BobLee Has A Plan For……

September26/ 2013

I was comfortable with the endless debates re: “the designated hitter”.  I still enjoy a lively dialogue about fiberglass polevaulting poles (Where is Don “Tarzan” Bragg??).  I get bored easily re: the proper length of basketball shorts and that whole thing about belly putters on The PGA Tour never rocked my world.  But none of the above matters any more…..

A new Debate Godzilla is threatening The Free World.  Is there still “a Free World”?  The call for HELP is answered – BobLee to be named Czar of Big Time College Sports……..

Chill.  I’m not busting out the whole Reorganization Master Plan in detail today.  If you don’t remember Don “Tarzan” Bragg I can’t expect you to grasp the nuances of this whole brilliant strategy.  It has already been labeled brilliant by at least one former poobah of “a major academic institution”.

Today I’m providing the “in a nutshell” version.  Which has far fewer bugs than Apple’s iOS7 update for iPhones.   If you haven’t downloaded THAT doozie yet – do NOT do it while driving on The Autobahn and trying to eat a hard-shell taco.  I digress…..

Yes, you think “your plan” is better because you are currently tied for 5th place in your eight member fantasy league.  It’s not. What can I say.   Just enough ammo for you today for you to amaze your buddies at Saturday’s tailgate.  You can claim “this all came to me in a vision”.

Mission Objective:   The sole purpose of massive reorganization of The Eeeeevil NCAA is to obliterate what now exists and create a totally new organizational framework that, within six months, we can all hate as much or more.  The Devil we will soon know being preferable to the old Devil we are tired of….. .   Every Administrative Body is doomed to be manned by quite flawed human beings all of whom are “out to get (insert your school)”.  That will never change.

BobLee’s Golden Rule:  All of Life is show prep and column fodder.

The ESPN Corollary to BLGR is:  The Sole Purpose of “Sport” is to provide daily content for 38+ ESPN pundits to chew on.  The “purpose” of everything is simply to feed the 24/7 sports news beast.  Yum yum eat’em up……

Here it is in that aforementioned “nutshell”…..

Step One:  Immediately create these TWO separations –
(1) The Six “Power Conferences” ….. the other piddly little schools can keep what they ‘ve got or do whatever.  Savannah State, Lehigh, Lafayette even Gonzaga you are all irrelevant in this…. bless your hearts.

(2)  All discussions re: $$$ student-athlete compensations within those Power Conferences apply ONLY to Football and Mens BkB in those six conferences.   This immediately removes all foolish prattle about “are we gonna pay field hockey players and fencers yadda yadda” from the discussion.  NO, we’re not paying field hockey and fencers.

Step Two:  Since some point in the mid 70s; all discussion re: “paying college athletes” has centered around two specific scenarios –  (1) “His grandmother died” and he could not afford a bus ticket to attend her funeral…. and (2) He can’t even afford “to go out for a pizza” with his fellow students.

As Czar of Big Time College Sports…. I will (1) cut a national deal with Greyhound to supply complimentary r/t bus transportation for every stud-ath needing to attend a family funeral…. and/or the funeral of his high school coach and/or AAU street agent. ….. and (2) a similar deal with “a major pizza company” (after sealed bids) to provide each stud-ath “one large pepperoni” each week in-season and one every other week out-of-season.  We’ll use a form of debit card to keep track.  Additional toppings can be negotiated locally.

That takes “grandma’s funeral” and “can’t afford a pizza” off-the-table.   See how quickly all this is clearing up.  Board monkey tweeting volume just dropped 83%.

Step ThreeCreate a universal “annual value of a scholarship”.   Eliminate the discrepancies between a UNC and a Duke tuition – room-board and the in-state vs out-of-state discrepancy.   Lets say that “universal value” is $25,000.   A “student-athlete” can opt for either (1) a $25,000/year payment OR (2) “free” college education (the current model).   That will save booster clubs A LOT of $$$$.  Not that THAT really matters to anyone.

Big Time Colleges will be encouraged to set-up cooperative programs with area community colleges where-in a % of a Stud-Ath’s $25,000 annual stipend can be applied at the Commu Coll.   Stud-Aths actually interested in “learning a marketable skill” and/or “learning to read and write” while playing BT College FB/BkB can do so at the CommuColl if the regular campus offerings are too daunting and/or totally irrelevant.

When one’s knee blows out, knowing how to hang sheetrock or change out freon in commercial AC units is much better than “being a drug mule” or “trying to break into adult films and/or WWE”.

Step Four:  Hold a Head Coach personally and professionally liable for any/all illegalities his staff is found guilty of.   Create a Top Ten No-Nos.   If caught in violation of any of’em…. the HC is fired (with zero “buy-out”) and banned from all NCAA AND NFL (and CFL) coaching gigs (or “consultant” gigs) for a minimum of five years PERIOD.   Head Coaches know and encourage the Blake-type crap and can stop it… When the RISK if caught is greater than the current REWARD for not getting caught.…. 89% of the current shenanigans will magically stop.

Not every AD is as clueless and incapable as “you-know-who” was; but only the Head Coach REALLY knows what’s going on…. or, as with Roy and Fats, should know.  Chancellors, Poobahs and Trustees don’t know squat, diddly or jack about what goes on inside their sports program and never will.

Step Five:  The $25,000 Option covers “paying players” vs “a college education has a value” to some kids.   There is no such $$$ amount that is “enough”.   As the prices for Escalades, Giant Plasmas and Bling goes up….. so will player $$$ needs.

The $25,000/yr simply establishes a new baseline.  All existing “under-the-table payments from mysterious outside sources” will continue in addition to the $25K.  As will “sex w/ hostesses”…. $500 handshakes….. etc.   Tutor fraud WILL stop as “those types kids” will opt out of the go-to-school option.

Step Six:   Allowing high profile players (Manziel etc) to make extra $$$ from autographs, appearances et al will completely destroy locker rooms with jealousy and resentment.  Yes, it happens in the pros…. but college kids are not ready for that “some are a lot more equal than others” reality.  It’s bad enough that QBs and the other glamour guys already get first dibs on the skanky “hostesses”.

Step Seven (Doomsday Option):  “Blow it all up and start over!”   This, alas, will result in multiple law suits by NAACP and ACLU…. but may be necessary.

That’s the BobLee Thumbnail Solution For Big Time College Sports.   I can write War & Peace on each of these steps if required.  I’ve considered every likely “what if” including the dreaded Obama 3rd Term and “Suppose Dickie Has A Twin”.

Step Four about holding a Head Coach REALLY liable is the key.   That Risk v Reward thing.  You’ll be surprised how dramatically that will flush out the current clogged septic tank.

Did you like this?   If you did, you’ll really like one coming up in a week or so:

“Braggin’ Rights & Bimbos:  When & Why Smart Men Go Stoopid”


The next time Obnoxious Joe In Purchasing shows up with his elaboarate Excel printout of revenues of SEC schools versus “what I heard last night on Sportcenter”, just send him a link to this column….. and a banana.

Re:  The news today that “PJ” is practicing with the team (likely game suspensions not referenced)…. within nine minutes of the announcement, 374 Wuff board monkeys had gnawed thru their abdominal cavities and were eating their own pancreas’.   An odd way to celebrate having THREE starting QBs in the NFL this Sunday.… but to each fan base their own.

“Young Maavin” being picked up by Miami Dolphins is just TOOO ironic.  Look Out South Beach !!!  The Dreadlocked Tweeter is back where it all began.  Maavin and Greg (and The Butcher) cashing NFL checks while a once-way too proud institution continues to pick up the pieces of its shattered self-image.  OUCH!

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