Karl Goes KooKoo and ….

Karl Hess
February19/ 2012

It had been a terrific day.  I was seated in Sec 109; Row R in Dean’s Dome – Primo Fat Cat Country….. with special pals.  Earlier I was with an Old Trenchfighter and an engaging guy via Tulsa by the name o’ Bubba.  The Clem-streak was safe.  THEN my iPhone started buzzing crazily as dozens of frantic e-mails poured in.   Hess…. Ref…. Corch…. Guggs…. RBC in riot mode…. ??? HUH ??? 

My latest column on chapelboro was about “I was there” sports episodes.  At 6:30 PM on Feb 18 we got us a brand new one?  Over 248,000 hard-core Wolfpack fans will be able to pass polys that “they were there” when “that a**hole Karl Hess, under direct orders from Swofford, threw Corch and Guggs out of the RBC”.

Within the first 24 hours I have heard from about 67,000 of’em.

Assuming you’ve all seen the video, you know as much as I know about whatever happened with 6:40 to go in a routine game on Saturday last.  In the space of thirty seconds, veteran ACC referee Karl Hess joined retired ACC Football referee Jim Knight as the only zebras to have bounties placed on their heads in The Brickyard; at Amedeo’s and at Two Guys Pizza.

A small faction of WuffNation is permanently unhinged under the most benign of circumstances.  There is nuthin’ “benign” about the bizarre circumstances that KooKoo Karl has unleashed.   I have contacted Wolfpackers that I knew “were there” and likely seated in the RBC lower level.  They all saw “it” but none are sure exactly what “it” was they saw.

IF Corch & Guggs had sneaked up on Karl Hess and blindsided him with tire irons; beating him into raw hamburger, in full view of 18,000 fans; that faction of unhinged Wuffs would defend “their heroes” as justified under a century old paranoia payback.  But Corch & Guggs did NOT do any such thing.

Slightly more rational Wuffs are quoting The Bill Of Rights, Magna Carta and The Prelude To The Canterbury Tales for all the rights & privileges that Karl Hess violated.  Under Hammurabi’s Code, Hess is subject to being boiled in oil.  Who knew?

No matter how thin the pancake, it does have two sides.   By Monday there will be an official statement on “it” by Little Johnny Swofford.   Unless Johnny publicly beheads Hess with a scimitar, nuthin’ he does will satisfy the Brickyard mob.  If Little Johnny performs hari-kari on himself with a box-cutter a handful of Wuffs will say “OK, that’s fair enough.”  Maybe a handful.

Frau Yow is even being criticized for not “poppin’ a cap” on Hess right then and there.

There will be an official comment from Karl Hess unless he is already in some Central American dictatorate with no extradition treaty with Wuff-Nation.   I can not imagine how Hess will even attempt to justify what has to be the worst over-reaction to “rabbit ears” in ACC history.   This act was so stoopid my first thought was “check Dickie Baddour’s alibi”.

While we await whatever ACC officials will / will not say or do….. the knee-jerking reactions of WuffNation is off the chart.

Immediate Secession From The ACC is apparently “a given” for the more terminally rabid Wuffikins.  Like a pouty kid packing a gym bag to run away from home after being denied dessert, the ACC Secessionists have no clue where they might go; but go they sure will by golly.

The Norris Division of The NHL is apparently a possibility.   An exploratory letter to ECU about forming a Super Conference with Campbell, Elon and Appy State is being faxed to Terry Holland.

As for The SEC, their Commish Mike Slive did issue this statement:  “If NC State thinks they were short-sheeted in the ACC,  they ain’t seen nuthin’.  Ask Mississippi State and Vanderbilt the last time they got a favorable call in the last 2:00 of a close game.  Sure, our schools would love a new punching bag.” 

A spokesman for the Center For Disease Control in Atlanta has declared this latest strain of Lupine Paranoia to be “potentially lethal” and likely to remain so for a minimum of 35 years.

I WILL be in the lower level of The RBC this coming Tuesday when Royz Boyz come to visit.  I wouldn’t miss it.  Corch & Guggs are scheduled to be honored.   The mind reels.

Instead of Corch & Guggs, if it had been two buck-teethed goobers with bad haircuts from Harnett County, the bounty on Hess’ head would be $8.56.  But it WAS Corch & Guggs!   As noted…. from what I have gleaned, this incident qualifies as:

“one of the gosh-darnedest I’ve ever seen”  
(not involving Roy)

As a chronicler of incredibly bizarre stuff, I don’t even know whom to thank for this one.


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