Meanwhile on The Flagship of Mis-Fit Toys

February28/ 2013

I have not jumped into the “Great Unpleasantness” at UNC because….. because BobLee has done such an absolutely incredible job chronicling it from Tweet One three years ago. When BobLee “explains it” the rest of us just say “yeah, me too”. … Today he’s letting me in the batting cage for some swings at the latest “UNC IS DOING WHAT?” on that Flagship of Mis-Fit Toys in Orange County.

I was “there” with BL (and those two Comparato cuties) when that old Governor delivered his:

“Move along people. There’s nothing to see any more. The rat (Julius) has left the barn, aka skedaddled, and any way Julius was the only rat (oh gawd… puhleeze!)…. so there’s nothing to see here any more…. and, no, we didn’t talk to Coach Williams because for four months he didn’t have a spare fifteen minutes….”

There’s usually a two-drink minimum when you see stand-up comedy that good. I mean REALLY. …… And the old Governor’s sidekick, that Ugly Betty chick “from 100 miles away carrying a briefcase”….. what was the deal with her?

You know me. My first thought was “DUMPLIN” Perdue. With Dumplin’ they woulda had (1) a vacuous chick & (2) a Governor all in one. Order one less doughnut. More guvmint waste. It never stops.

But I distinctly recall Governor Martin saying with great assuredness something to the effect –

“…. yeah, we had a bit of academic unpleasantness (for 10-12 years) but it was just that one African fellow and his co-hort and we can’t find them anywhere so we figure they’re long gone…. so now everything’s fine. Can I go home now?”

And everyone said “Amen Hallelujah” and that pretty little trustee gal from Memphis asked “how’s recruiting?”….. and me and BobLee went to Panera’s and had a bowl of soup with the Comparato twins.

So whats this latest noise all about? ….. a campus-wide physical inspection that all classes are actually being held.

“They” are conducting physical classroom inspections. ??? We don’t know who “they” are. We never know who “they” are.

And who/what are “they” looking for? That African guy and his co-hort?… Jennifer The Tutor ?…. one of Butch’s Super Bowl rings ? ….. Roy’s glasses ? ….. Dumplin’s brain ?

Don’t “they” trust Governor Martin and Ugly Betty? Has someone seen a sinister looking African guy eating a chili dog at Sutton’s? Did someone check-in at The Siena under the name J. Nyang’oro? How many of them can there be?

So many questions.

I’m not a tenured academic nor did I stay at The Carolina Inn Express last night, but I feel certain “most” classes at UNC are really taught. (The twisted convoluted revised ideological crapola they teach is a subject for another day.) But some foppish dude/dudette does stand up front and prattle on for 50 minutes while 40-50 totally disinterested post-adolescent snot-noses listen to Rihanna thru their $200 Dr Dre headphones. Yes, I’m confident the UNC-CH classroom experience is movin’ right along.

So now we have this special ops team of classroom inspectors bursting into classrooms…. “Don’t mind me. I’m just making sure you’re here. Carry on.” Are they wearing “jackboots” and carrying riot batons and flash-bangs?

Are these inspections like “bed checks” at summer camp? Can a “prof” stuff pillows under the blanket to look like he’s there and crawl out the window? That always worked for us at camp.

Did they hire outside inspectors for this? Are they ugly and carrying briefcases too? Are they using undocumented aliens for this? Is Tami Hansbrough one of’em? (NOTE: She is mucho better on the eyes than Ugly Betty!)

I just heard a rumor that Dr Jim Goodnight over at SAS has offered to send over a busload of SASsys to help with the “inspections”. They will bring their own M&Ms of course.

So, suppose an inspector kicks in the door to a 3rd floor classroom in Bingham Hall and there’s Julius, Deborah, Jennifer, Butch, Drew, Tami, Matt, Dickie, Dumplin. Marvin, McAdoo, BOTBob, Black Santa and three homeless Viet Nam vets all named Pancho and they are in deep discussion of “What Napoleon thought about Russian Winters” ….. whats the “inspector” going to do?

Slap’em all in flex cuffs….. toss’em in the back seat of a black SUV with deeply tinted windows and drive’em to an undisclosed location where Dan Kane will browbeat’em for 72 hours without food, water or restroom privileges.

I sure hope this has all been carefully thought out.
Hey, I’m sure it has. This IS UNC-CH after all.

Thanks again to BobLee for letting me play with this one.

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