How about this. Every college campus in America to appoint a Vice Chancellor of “I Told You So” – VCoITYS. The position will be mandatory for all state liberal arts institutions and all snooty private schools. Optional for land grant schools with tangential relationships with reality…. but strongly recommended. A modified version of VCoITYS will be available for local school boards. It’s a game-changer concept….
The VCoITYS will be present when all major decisions are formulated and before they are implemented whether by students, faculty, administrators, angry townspeople, fat cat boosters, coaches and all appointed advisory boards.
STOP: Before the ubiquitous candlelight vigils on-the-steps-of (insert campus facility with recognizable landmark and good media access) RELAX all you hare-brained nitwits….. The VCoITYS will have zero approval authority.
No individual or institution’s divine-right to, time and time again, make a public fool of his/her/it’s self will be infringed upon one iota. THAT Right is sacred (despite not yet having it’s own amendment).
A VCoITYS has no Stop/Go/Lets Rethink authority over any flibbetty gibbet program or knee-jerk strategy. He/she is non-judgmental.
The institutions can absolutely continue to be public laughingstocks. Those that receive taxpayers funding can continue to throw those dollars down bottomless ratholes.
The historical three-way competition between students, faculty and administrators for the title for “Least Common-Sense Approach To A Perceived Crisis” will be as fierce as ever. Maybe more so. Here’s how it will work:
Whether the idea generates with an individual or with-in a just-plain committee, an Ad Hoc committee, a blue-ribbon committee or even Taaaa Daa – A Special Task Force the VCoITYS must be on-hand. If not, the hare-brained scheme cannot move forward towards its inevitable highly-public, embarrassing and quite expensive train wreck.
The VCoITYS simply listens as details of the inevitable train wreck are excitedly blurted out with appropriate raised voices sprinkled with obscenities, exaggerated hand gestures and, most importantly, extreme self-righteous indignation.
The initial presentation can last from 30-seconds (always preferred since VCoITYS have VERY busy schedules as one can imagine) to as long as 57 minutes. 57 minutes is the maximum however.
The presentation can be one impassioned soul pouring out his/her/its heart….. two guys with their plan scribbled on a cocktail napkin….. or a troupe of goggle-eyed fanatics with powerpoint presentations, Excel spreadsheets, celebrity endorsers, pathetic victims, placards on sticks, and even fireworks. There are no limits EXCEPT no mainstream media can be present at this original presentation.
The VCoITYS sits dispassionately thru the presentation wearing a Guy Fawkes mask, one of those human condom suits or a pair of Reflecto Raybans. It is important that the VCoITYS eyes are not a mirror to his soul. Clapping, giggling or muttering “are you ******** me” is to be avoided.
When “this is what we fully intend to do” seems to be complete, the VCoITYS asks “Anything else?” If there is nothing else, the VCoITYS steps into a special sound-proof isolation chamber that all VCoITYS will have at every presentation.
For up to a minute the VCoITYS can giggle, guffaw, bang his/her head against the wall of the chamber, scream Aaaaiieeee, gargle thumb tacks to divert the blinding migraine, or text his/her administrative assistant “You will not believe THIS ONE”….. then emerges from the chamber to address the eager and quite full-of-themselves presenters.
The standard spiel will be: “Thank you. I must say that was very interesting. I can certainly feel your passion for your concept / strategy / whizbang idea / revolutionary manifesto / champagne wish / caviar dream / totally misplaced outrage / …. etc. It was one of the most “interesting” I have heard in quite some time. I commend you / both of you / all of you for taking the time to be here.
That said…. IF you proceed with this concept / strategy / whizbang …. blah blah blah here is what will most assuredly happen… “
The VCoITYS then succinctly outlines the immediate ramifications upon implementation to include: tear gas, pepper spray, public urination, rock throwing, next day headlines in the UK Daily Mail, immediate loss of funding, street riots, Internet firestorm, website meltdowns, loss of cellphone service, legislative knee-jerking, general public outrage, prominent alumni outrage, use of rabid K-9 corps by local LEO, implosion of professional reputations, over-night incarceration with people named Big Enos and Mad Marge, demands for immediate resignations, horrific embarrassment to spouses and offspring, ruination of your family name and the reputation of your hometown, and strong likelihood that your name will become a verb for complete incompetence citing the example “to Nifong”.
That now said….. if you will please initial both copies of this “I Told You So” form I will be on my way. You keep the ecru copy.
Gotta scoot. I have another presentation in ten minutes with the Assistant Vice-Provost and Students Against Students Against Pretty Much Everything (SASAPME). Best of luck with however you decide to proceed. If my office can be of assistance in recommending a good bail bondsman or alternative career directions, here’s my card. …. Can someone help me dismantle this isolation chamber?”
From that moment on whatever happens happen. The signed “I Told You So” form becomes part of the official public record AND NOT protected by HIPPA, FIPPA or Duchess Kate’s sister PIPPA.
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I know what you thinking – Where can you apply to be a VCoITYS.
I’m still working on that and other details such as business card design and the always pesky “Observe Casual Friday yes/no” option. Applicants with experience as an addiction counselor, hostage negotiator, and/or with a military bomb-squad will be given priority.
A National Association of VCoITYSs is already in formation. To be headquartered in Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico…. DUH!
