A fellow Internet provocateur received a “And Furthermore Letter” this week. Seven of you sent me copies of it. I would copy it here but propriety would require me to redact 620 of its 731 words. It was “colorful”.
“BobLee, what’s a And Furthermore Letter?”
Oh, I’m sorry. That’s an in-house term Internet Provocateurs use for a “fan letter” of considerable length and raging passion. Paragraph 10 begins “And furthermore….”.
By paragraph 10, humanoids compelled to write (and send) such missives have exhausted all the standard profanity, obscenities and usual suggestions found on toilet stall walls and launch into “unknown tongues”. I call it Pentecostal profanity for that reason.
I get lots of request from wannabe Internet Smart Alecks asking for career advice.
Dear Mr BobLee:
My mamma and my sisters Bambi and Amber would like thimblefuls of your bathwater. I am enclosing three thimbles. It would mean a great deal to them… “
Oops, wrong letter. Here is one.
I want to be An Internet Super Hero admired by millions and despised by roving gangs of human debris. What advice do you have for me?
Your Greatest Fan Ever,
Pete From Pocatello
It sure beats croppin’ tobacco; but there is a dark side to the adulation and all that unsolicited feminine lingerie we get in the mail. After a few years I started giving any package that smelled like gardenias to the UPS guy. Any package that ticks or smells like cordite is placed in a concrete box on the back porch.
All of us professional smart alecks get used to reading some pretty amazing comments about our mammas and recommendations that we perform anatomical gyrations requiring unbelievable dexterity.
If pictures of mutilated domestic animals and colorful Swahili obscenities bother you, I suggest you consider Pharmacy or Auto Mechanics as a career choice.
Anywhooo, I got copies of this one sent to my fellow provocateur. It exceeded two paragraphs and 75 words so I immediately put on safety goggles and a HazMat suit.
Nasty-gram Rule #9: If a (Mad as a) Wet Hen scribbles more than 75 words it’s – DANGER Will Robinson; Stop, Drop & Roll. This one weighed in at a hefty 731 words.
Paragraph 6 was devoted entirely to why Butch Davis should be canonized as a Saint and placed on The Mount Rushmore of Unfairly Persecuted Great Men of The 21st Century. After THAT he started getting kinda silly.
Wet Hen never addressed the either/or – Butch was either “a blind fool” or “a stone-cold liar”. I didn’t expect him to.
You might guess that Wet Hen had other suggestions for my pal and for Chancellor Thorp. “….. anatomical gyrations requiring incredible dexterity”.
Midway paragraph 3, I realized “I know this dude”! Like serial arsonists, every nasty-gram writer has a unique “signature”. This was either ______ or _____ . Damn, I’ve been doing this waaay too long.
It was ______ . Dude even signed it which is rare but not that uncommon. Who knew there is a Lake Norman BCS Before I Die Or My Head Explodes LLC. There is. Wet Hen is the CEO.
I contacted his target and congratulated him on “getting a real doozy”. I suggested he submit it for an award at our annual convention.
Yep, there is an International Order of Internet Smart Alecks Marching & Chowder Society – IOISAM&CS. Yours truly is Vice President of Obscure Nicknames & Obtuse Trivia. No surprise there, huh. We get together every two years in a cave in the south wall of Palo Duro Canyon. If I divulged the exact GPS coordinates our “fans” like Wet Hen might show up and it could get messy. RPGs are not that hard to come by.
A highlight of our biannual get-together is comparing colorful And Furthermore Letters. A minimum of 18 unique obscenities is required to enter the competition. This one definitely qualified. We also conduct workshops on topics of mutual interest. Standing topics include:
When to notify local law enforcement
How deep to plant claymore mines in your yard
Training a Rotweiller to enjoy the taste of board monkey
We name our award “The Toots” after N&O columnist Caulton Tudor who has wallpapered his lake house with Furthermore Letters. It is a large house.
My pal has been a member of IOISAM&CS for many years and has won a few Toots’. This was not his first rodeo.
It is a common myth that only knuckle-dragging cretins write (and actually send) Furthermores. Not so. ______ is a certified member of a quite respectable profession not normally associated with writing toxic letters that go viral on the Internet.
Another friend of mine once received a for-real death threat on a sports-related issue from a bar-certified attorney. Local law enforcement is very good at tracking down these perps. Wet Hen, of course, did sign his. That makes it easier for all concerned.
Do these “things” bother us? The first dozen or so do. After a while you just pity their immediate families and their family pets. Living with such a tortured soul must be “interesting” what with constantly replacing broken furniture and apologizing to the neighbors for the high volume cussing at 3 AM after his team is “cheated by the stoopid refs” or disparaged by “the damn media”.
If we think we might have an award-winner, we move it to a doozie file. Otherwise we hit Delete and go watch reruns of Criminal Minds.
Q: BL, how many copies of this will Wet Hen receive?
A: Just one. It will be posted on his gang’s clubhouse wall.
Sort of Related: This past week an infamous local monkey chummer wrote a widely circulated piece exposing a massive conspiracy surrounding The Unjust Ousting of St Butch The Divine. “St Butch The Divine” is a popular subject with the hair-trigger hairshirt types.
“A monkey chummer”? …… is a blogger who specifically targets board monkeys with his articles. Like Quint trolling for “Jaws” a monkey chummer “chums” for a goggle-eyed bottom-feeding audience. His headline and opening paragraph causes their beady eyes to bug out and their blood pressure to go TILT.
That sometimes happens with my columns too but his specific audience despises me.
He goes for the I KNEW IT reaction. Take 1-2 actual facts and then concoct labyrinthine conspiracies involving suit & tie authority figures. Board monkeys distrust all suit & tie authority figures so they believe any shady shenanigans he feeds them.
His latest one has current UNC BOT Chair Wade Hargrove being a member of The Tri-Lateral Commission (or was it the Cary Rotary Club). It got a bit murky when he started quoting Nostradamus’ quatrains.
I’m for anything that keeps board monkeys occupied. If they are reading monkey chum they can’t write Furthermore Letters. They don’t multi-task very well.