Despite my many years of warnings, some of you ARE College Football recruiting addicts. Among scary addictions that ranks between elf porn and sniffin’ grandma’s lingerie drawer.
Wednesday was your annual day to slobber ‘n drool over 18 y/o’s with 5th grade reading skills who “chose Mississippi State for its outstanding akeydemiks”. Not me. This was also:
National Cheerleader Signing Day. While you galoots were glued to ESPN2, I was tuned to E!
NOTE: “I chose Mississippi State for its outstanding academics” was reportedly muttered by L’velle A’postrp’he from Oddspellin’, Alabama. If so, L’velle was (1) THE silliest goober of Signing Day 2011 …. and (2) NOT one of the 396 can’t miss blue-chippers who signed with either Gene, Nick or Dabo.
The Provost at Mississippi State, a strappin’ fella named Eugene, hearing of L’velle’s comment, dropped a cowbell on the great toe of his left foot. If Jackie Sherrill was dead he’d arolled over in his grave.
Chasing their dreams from all across America, but primarily south of The Mason Dixon Line, hundreds of fetchin’ little gals with names ending in “i” or “ee” will get to flip up in the air and be inhumanly cheerful in front of 100,000 pervs, geeks, board monkeys and all the uncute coeds not fetchin’ enough to cheer.
There’s a broken heart for every light on Broadway so surely there were as many tears shed by homely girls with less than perfect complexions whose parents could not afford ProActiv or tumbling lessons.
Failing to use a bronzer was noted as a no-no by E!’s Cheerleader Analyst Cyndii Sue SomethingSilly. Cyndii’s stepmother Claudia SomethingSilly was Asst Associate Chief Cheerleader for The Crimson Tide when Johnny Musso played for Bear in the early 70s. How Johnny got his nickname The Italian Stallion is a SomethingSilly family secret.
The Rivals Top 652 (ranked by degree of ADD) were adjusting ballcaps, smiling like possums and muttering inanities about “really enjoyed my visit and bonding with Coach Trooper …. and I fully intend to be long gone within three semesters max ”.
One cover corner with great lateral anticipation (?) named Ra’Shaun forgot to say the magic phrase great academics. That required a do-over, costing his “uncle” $2,340 from the paper sack handed him by a no-neck coach from K-State. Coach No-neck’s business card identified him as the 13th Best Recruiter in states that start with a K.
Not to be outdone; the choosing cheerleaders had their own scripts to recite into the intoxicating camera’s eye.
“… I chose Southern Cal because they have had more girls selected to be on The Batchelor than any other school, I think. I know they’ve had a bunch.”
“I am choosing The Univ of South Florida because it is in Florida and also in the South ….”
“… I look forward to cheering for The Longhorns and doing that cute little hook’em thing they do with their fingers.”
“I’m not sure where I’m going but my mamma’s new boyfriend tells me it has to be far away ….”
“… I’m not sure where I’m going either but my mamma’s new boyfriend says he will buy a condo there and I can come over any time if I bring two other cheerleaders with me.”
“I chose Arizona State because I think it’s in the State of Arizona which is near Mexico or Virginia. I forget which… ”
“… I chose THE Ohio State University because it starts with “The” and I hear they have really nice tattoo parlours there.”
“I chose LSU. The nice man that recruited me owns a used car lot in Boosier City. He had me jump on a trampoline for an hour while he drank beer and took pictures with his cell phone. He says he has connections “in show business”. I plan to major in Red Carpet Walking and he says I can if I want to….”
We can’t do a column about Cheerleader Signing Day without this very special story from, yes, Starkville. Starkville, MS – where they have great akeedemiks, cowbells and Taylor Stone/Corley. Ya gotta read this one – CLICK.
Q: Is there really such a thing as “elf porn”?
A: In a country where Joe Biden can be Vice President why would you even doubt there might be “elf porn”?
Yes, there probably are some signees that can actually spell the name of the academic institution they intend to attend / and not all cheerleaders are ditzy airheads. But who cares? BCS Or Bust – Yeeee Haaa!.
Wednesday – Feb 2, 2011 is A Day Of Infamy ….. Both a UNC FBer (A J Blue) and a former State BBer (Anthony Grundy) were written up in the local paper for DUIs. On the same day. What are the odds on that?