The Rule Of 3s

January30/ 2008

Everybody knows that celebrities always die in 3s. …. Unlike “Dean only recruited Eagle Scouts” and “Mike Krzyzewski has cloven hoofs”, the Rule of 3s IS actually “a rule”. …. (1) Suzanne Pleshette – (2) Heath Ledger – (3) ????  Apparently there is a NEW Rule of 3 ….. Three “celebrities” will stick their foot in their mouth on/about the same period of time ….. Kelly Tilghman – Dana Jacobson – Rick Majerus ….. Oh Goody!  This is a belt-high fastball for BobLee – WHAMMO!

Everyone on Earth and adjoining planets has heard by now about Kelly Tilghman and the “L” word.  The six Tibetan monks who had never even heard of Tiger Woods HAVE HEARD ABOUT Kelly and the “L” word.  Nothing turns a tiny spark into a global inferno faster than the combo of a white gal, a mocha “one name” superstar, and, apparently, the new #8 word on George Carlin’s list of words ya better not say …. (am I the only one who thinks George’s list might be about to add about a bazillion new verboten words really soon?  “Buckwheat” is a goner for sure and both “step” and “fetch it” are standing on banana peels.).

Didja hear about Dana Jacobson’s ill-fated attempt to join the potty mouth boys club?  Dana is the zaftig co-hostess for ESPN’s morning show that is no longer called Cold Pizza, no longer has Woody Paige, but still has ratings hovering near the Couric-Mendoza Line.  There was a “roast” in Atlantic City about a week ago to “honor” Mike & Mike’s eighth anniversary of their simulcast morning talk show.  Who knew #8 was the “roast” anniversary?  …. (NOTE:  I like Greenie and Golic and I even like Skip Bayless.  I knew Skip from our mutual time in Dallas in the early 80s.  Skip’s role on the show is to really really piss off “board monkeys” all across the country with his snide comments.  Gotta like that!)

You know what “a roast” is.  A bunch of otherwise proper and semi respectable adults do their impressions of Larry The Cable Guy doing his impression of Chris Rock.

How many bodily functions, sexual innuendos, F-bombs and barnyard epithets can you cram into a three-minute backhanded tribute to the honorees.  There IS “a line” you are not suppose to cross but that “line” is like the yellow first down line.  The audience can see it, but the players can’t.

It is especially hard to see if, like Dana did, you are swilling vodka straight from the bottle before it’s your turn.  I don’t know anything about Dana Jacobson except she is a Michigan alum and during her several year tenure on ESPN she has gained the equivalent of a Mini Cooper in weight.  No doubt, like “they say” about every chick in sports journalism, she is “either a switch-hitter or a skank”.  I’m not sure why that is but it’s what “they say”.  Better not argue with “they“.

Dana was not the first “roaster” but after her “performance” it was pretty much “stick a fork in this” time.  She attempted the public speaking equivalent of a Karl Wallenda quadruple somersault ….. using the name of Jesus (the famous Galileean, not the third Alou brother) and an F-bomb in the same sentence really close together.  Bless her drunk on her fat butt heart, she tried it THREE TIMES.  No one has ever done that maneuver successfully …. And that is still the case after Dana’s recent effort.

   Lewis Grizzard (often referred to as “the pre BobLee”) did a bit about a Baptist revival where a fella got so washed in the blood that he stood up and began recounting all his various “sins”.  Everything was OK ‘til he got to the one about “having intimate relations w/ a billy goat” at which time the preacher interrupted “I don’t believe I’d told that one.”

Dana is Jewish but even the rabbi could not save her on this one.  ESPN has announced they are “disciplining her” which, considering the prurient nature of the whole mess could mean nearbout anything you can imagine.  She has, of course, done “the Kelly” by muttering numerous mea culpas and swearing to Abraham that she has nothing against Christians …. and even agreeing to wear a wet Mike Huckabee t-shirt.  Since her remarks were aimed pointedly at Golic’s alma mater Notre Dame there have been some suggestions for fitting punishment that involve all the members of the Notre Dame team and Charlie The Hutt (who was in attendance!) but we’ll not go there.

Speaking of overweight sports people who get into trouble when they use their mouths for other than a pie hole ….. Didya hear about Rick Majerus?  Talk about coincidence!  The same week that SI runs a “Rick Majerus Is A Loose Cannon” article, Rick goes and “loose cannons” his way into a brouhaha with the Archbishop of St Louis.  Prehaps thinking he was still living among the Mormons in Utah, Rick felt it necessary to publicly announce he “supports abortion” ….. and likes Hillary Clinton.  Since Mormons tend to like both Mitt Romney and having babies that would not have gone over big in the Wasatch Mountains either …. Being as Rick is now a high profile employee of the very Catholic Univ of St Louis his advocating the vacuuming execution of unborn babies was pretty much a “Dana” on the richter scale in quite Catholic St Louis.

Rick, as you may recall, was, according to legend, Dean’s personal choice when Ol’ Roy said “I’m staying” and right before The Dickster said “Heeeere’s Matt”.

That a BB coach could get into a ticklish situation by overt political advocacy brings up a contention I have long held.  Ye Olde Quite Liberal Legend could mount his political soapbox whenever the mood struck him because he knew the wooly boogers in South Building were of like-mind.  Since they themselves were and still are forever ramming their radical politics down the throats of taxpayers and non like-minded alumni they thought Deano was quite cool to be doing likewise.  ….. More than a few alumni thought otherwise.

From what I know of Majerus it is doubtful he even knows what “abortion” is and his interest in Hillary more than likely involves a hot tub filled with Jello and a Barry White CD.

Dave Glenn did a most worthy rant earlier this week about the minute-minute challenge of talking unscripted into a live microphone for hours on end …. In a society under siege from the PC police.  Like Dave, yours truly has stood behind many a podium and muttered inane tripe to dozing audiences while juggling hand grenades of potentially offensive words. ….. Case in point …. I was speaking to a civic club in Virginia three years ago, in a church fellowship hall no less ….. when, what to my wondering ears should appear but a sneak attack by the Tourrettes leprechaun.  My mouth got about a step and a half lead over my brain and I nuked’em.  …… uh oh!

Anyone who’s ever done it can tell you it’s like hitting “pause” on your remote.  Time comes to a complete stop.  The audience is frozen while you debate your options …. (1) apologize profusely and insure everybody will then know what you just did …. (2) keep going like nothing happened since, at most, 3-4 people MIGHT have caught it ….. (3) fake an epileptic seizure and scream “Somebody call an exorcist!”.  I chose #2 but think I might go for #3 next time it happens.

  • Kelly Tilghman simply chose an unfortunate phrase to convey her meaning about “the only way to stop Tiger”.
  • Dana Jacobson mixed a bottle of vodka with her insecurity about being a zaftig chick in a room full of chauvinist jocks.
  • Rick Majerus was simply being the loose cannon that everyone knew he was/is for the past 20 years. …..
  • and, of course, the N&O’s one trick pony, Sportin’ Life Barry Saunders, played his 3-race card-monte by demanding sweet naïve Kelly be disemboweled and that Tiger (who Sportin’ Life despises because Tiger is handsome, rich, successful, smart, married to a mega-hottie and pretty much every thing else that Sportin’ Life never will be) be forced to wear cornrows on Sunday at The Masters.

I know what you’re thinking …. what about “the apple-cheeked fraud from Robbins“?  He’s always sticking his weejuns between his perfectly capped molars.  I limited this to People of Significance.


    “Lippy” in LD was played by William Sanderson who was “Larry” in Bob Newhart’s second series.  Suzanne, of course was Bob’s wife in his first series. Wow …. there are A TON of Lonesome Dove fans reading this website …. A TON!

   Rev. King has his “Day” and Paxutawny Phil the groundhog has his “Day” ….. and even board monkeys have their “Day” ….. National Blue Chipper Pulls A Cap Outta The Bag Day is coming up in two weeks.  As you know I avoid “the boards” because it’s not worth the tetanus shots and putting on the HazMat suit …. But I did sneak a peek what with “…. Outta The Bag Day” coming up. …… The Blue Messiah might have his Hall o’ Fame vote recounted for having the gall to lose to the Terps last week.  The pimply-faced Internet wunderkins are in a dither and rippin’ Ol Roy several “new ones”.  Tough crowd! …… Dicky better find Larry Brown QUICK!

   Correct me if I’m mistaken but …. One year ago the loonies were swinging from their tires in assuredness that “BCS Butch The Saviour will be luring bunches and bunches of 4 & 5 “stars” to “badly in need of lots of expensive bling” Kenan”…..  Now, one year later, the same loonies are saying “BCS Butch The Saviour doesn’t care about “star ratings” and will recruit hidden gems that no one else knows about.” ….. Gosh, what can we expect a year from now …. “BCS Butch The Saviour will field an entire team of walk-ons ….”  ….. This recruitin’ stuff sho gets confusin’ …. Don’t it.


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