Archie Kept His Fork!

February07/ 2008

Do ya know what the speed limit is on the Ol’ Miss campus? …. Did ya know that Olivia Manning was Homecoming Queen at Ol’ Miss? …. Did ya know that The Garden District of Nawlins where The Mannings live was spared by Katrina? …. You definitely know about the last two Super Bowl MVPs. ….. Today it’s Really REALLY Good To Be Archie! …… and BobLee previews Wednesday night’s latest Armageddon.

When Archie Manning retired after 13 years as the losingest QB in NFL history surely somebody said “well Arch, you were BMOC at Ol’Miss and Olivia is sweet and purty and the three boys were born with all their fingers and toes …. Ya can’t have everything Archie.” ……. Ya wanna bet?

The speed limit on the Ol’ Miss campus in Oxford is “18” mph ….. named for Archie Manning.  His 540 yards of total offense in a 1969 33-32 loss to Bear’s Tide is still the SEC record.  Archie never had much team support at Ol’ Miss.

Archie spent 10 of his 13 years in the NFL with the sAints.  Arguably one of the most woeful franchises in NFL history.  They didn’t keep “sacks” back then.  If they had Archie’s would be #1 in “sacked” (he sorta sympathized w/ Brady yesterday …. “sorta”, not too much!).

I don’t know Archie Manning but don’t you figure he probably cussed his luck at some point around age 40 and wondered “what mighta been if only ……?”

I don’t know if Archie is an evilgelical …. or if Olivia is a Southern Belle version of Pollyanna ….. but I hope someone at some time told Archie to “keep your fork …… because dessert is coming and its gonna be pretty sweet!” ….. YA RECKON!

If the cameras found Archie and Olivia yesterday I didn’t see it.  Yes, I saw Peyton numerous times leaning against the wall of the suite.  Yes, I saw Gisele doing whatever “famous underwear models” do at a Super Bowl.  But I never saw Mom and Dad Manning.  I thought about them though.

Most Dads are proud if their son is a pretty good athlete ….. letters on the high school team ….. gets some college offers ….. plays on Saturday amid “the color and pageantry …. gets a shot at The League …. plays on Sunday …. gets to a Super Bowl ….. (I’m sure Mr Hedgecock in Wallburg is agrinning and enjoying being Madison’s daddy even more today than he ever has ….. and he has enjoyed that for as long as I’ve known him. )….. but Archie ….. DAMN! …. to use the hip Urban vernacular ….. TWO SUPER BOWL MVPs Sons IS SICK …. Just SICK!  (in a good way!)

Because “sports” is a regular subtext here, I am constantly challenged to not succumb to the dumpster diving that dominates “sports” today.  Steroids, arrests, agents, Rock Star coaches, bungling NCAA bureaucrats, hypocrites up the wazoos, legions of loonies at every level, recruiting, bad boyz by the truckload, etc etc etc …..  If it wasn’t for politics in general and the United Nations, sports would be about the most corrupt entity we deal with ….. OK, other than “Hollywood”. …… and then theres “The Mannings”.

You know “The Mannings” are special since the gawd-forsaken loonies have hated them for years with the white-hot hatred that only sports’ bottom-feeder crowd can muster.

Archie was “a loser” because both Ol’ Miss and the Saints lost a lot when he was there.  Peyton was “a loser” because the Vols could never “win the big one” when he was there plus the Colts couldn’t either.  And Baby Eli was REALLY A LOSER  (the kid with the brown hair and permanent cowlick who does an awfully good impression of a guy with a blank look on his facethe worst draft mistake in the history of the New York Football Giants”.  Just two months ago Baby Eli (and Tom Coughlin) were pushing Isaiah Thomas for most defiled sports personality in New York.  How could it get any worse ….. would Olivia’s soufflé fall or would the Mannings’ dog get mange? …… Keep your fork, Archie!

OK, the dessert started coming out of the kitchen a year ago.  Peyton added “a Big One” to his host of team and league records.  As Baby Eli watched “big bro” stand at mid-field in the rain of Jacksonville as MVP do ya think mom or dad even thought ….. “your day is coming Baby Eli …. Hang in there Baby Eli”.  …. naaaay, nobody thought it or said it. ….. Maybe Mamma Olivia thought “poor little Eli needs a hug. We love him too.”

There were no odds on what happened yesterday if you even go back 60 days.  Baby Eli was throwing more picks than TDs.  Tiki was dissin’ him.  Coughlin may be the most un-likable looking HC in the NFL ….. the face frostbite in Green Bay didn’t help.

Now Baby Eli and the G-Men are THE Toast of American Sports.  Go figger!

I was OK with the Patriots and Tom Brady.  If they had won I was cool with it.  I think Bill Bellichek’s moody grump persona has gotten old but what the heck.  Tom Brady’s off-field life is fine and by comparison to “the norm” in sports, pretty tame.  OK, compared to The Mannings” it’s Mick Jagger on ‘roids but “The Mannings” are on their own Milk & Cookies Planet …… and I like that A LOT.

The reason the average sports-slut-derelict-loon “hates The Mannings” is because they really are “the real deal”.  Madison Avenue LOVES The Mannings.  If America’s consumer industry LOVED the Mannings before yesterday ….. its gonna be a Manning Orgy now.  That’s a “good thing”.

“The play” on the final drive when Baby Eli escaped the certain sack and threw the “no way even Lynn Swann or Jerry Rice catches it” pass to Tyree was THE most spilled nachos play in Super Bowl history.  In sportswriter heaven Grantland Rice and Jim Murray just looked at each other and said “…. Wow ….” …. Under a hot and humid Arizona sky Archie Manning understood why …… he had kept his fork!


   To paraphrase Duane Thomas ….. this month’s “ultimate game” is coming up on Wednesday.  The scene is set.  The refs, the ACC, the national media, ESPN, Caulton Tudor, that Gottlieb guy, Vitale, Packer, et al who exists only to conspire against “the Heels” have pulled off their usual shenanigans with the help of that FSU thug.  They injured Ty Lawson.  …… thereby giving UNCers THE single most important element in any UNC v Duke game  = the all-important ready-made excuse in case UNC loses. ….

The real question (other than of course who actually wins the game, duh!) is how much the University of North Carolina will be embarrassed on national television by a few jackass fans as regards Gerald Henderson.  Hopefully Ol’ Roy will issue a pre-game ultimatum that he will personally disembowel anyone that displays jackassity relative to Henderson.

Somewhere in a grungy dorm room or in a roach-ridden apartment, a total loser of a human hairball is preparing to make history by “defending Tyler” and doing something really really stoopid.    Alls we can hope for is that it happens off-camera (unlike the recent “back to the ghetto” blast from the Carolina girl).

The actual game should be a fine one as they always are.  If Carolina wins its because we are just so doggone wonderful …. If Duke wins its because “Rat Face” and the cheating refs were allowed to cheat us by all those ABCers previously listed.  yawn …. All that’s left is to play this latest “ultimate game”.


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