Revisiting the PDEW!

BobLee
January18/ 2000

… Our readership has more than doubled in the past two years.  Which is Great!  Thanks to all the newbees and thanks to the grizzled veterans for sticking around.  That means over half our readers never met the PDEW.  PDEW, Gimghoul Starchamber, Roy’s Press Conference, Pier Fishing w/ Dad and, most recently, Treehouses & How Tall Walls are our Top Five Requests.  We are blowing the dust off PDEW and serve it up to you again.  This special column, just like PDEW, just gets better with age!  Here they come !!! … oh, I did spruce it up a tad!

A recent note from a reader in LaGrange got us thinking about DownEast and a phenomenon long noted by aficionados of feminine pulchritude. ..A geographic area whose primary purpose is as a hurricane buffer for the more civilized Piedmont area of North Carolina;  DownEast has for generations birthed and nurtured some of the prettiest wimmen on God’s (supposedly) warming earth.  ..We’re not talking pretty “girls”. ..Every place has pretty “girls”.  We’re talking Women! ..PDEW = Pretty Down East Women… BobLee, of course, has some theories.

First we define our area.  I-95 is the Western boundary.  It serves as a Great Asphalt Wall as well as a pipeline moving Yankees back/forth to Florida stopping only for a pecan log roll at one of several Stuckeys’.

Some may think the Atlantic Ocean is the Eastern boundary … not so.  DownEast stops about 30 miles west of any brackish water. One then enters another region known simply as da beach … totally different set of demographics. The VA and SC borders further define DownEast at Checkpoint Emporia and Checkpoint Pedro (South of The Border).

    DownEast is dozens of communities ranging from 5,000 to 50,000 with most in the under 30,000 category.  Communities like Wilson, Rocky Mount, Goldsboro, Kinston, “Little Washington”, New Bern, Greenville, Clinton, Smithfield, Jacksonville, Farmville, Ayden, Warsaw, etc etc.

What are my qualifications for discussing this phenomenon?  BobLee grew up in the middle of it.  I left it and can make relevant comparisons to Peachtree Street in Atlanta … Market Center in Dallas … The Plaza in Kansas City … Riverwalk in San Antonio … The Commons In Boston.  … Hellfire, I’ve even married at least two Mizzou coeds over the years.   I once dated a Kilgore Rangerette in Big D.   I’ve served as a judge for a pro sports jiggle team competition.  Curve for curve, and winsome smile for smile Down East North Carolina Women take a backseat to No One No Where. 

We are talking relatively high maintenance elbow ornaments sharing the last names of prominent attorneys, physicians, land barons, and multi-unit car/tractor dealers.  Owning (or inheriting) 200+ acres of prime bottom land helps.  A true PDEW is home grown.  In China they wrap girls’ feet to keep them dainty … DownEast they never let them beyond the Great Asphalt Wall of I-95. Young DE girls are told from birth horror stories of crime and traffic in Rawlee and beyond.  There is no reason for a pretty DE girl to ever cross I-95 except, of course, for her debut at Rawlee’s Terpsichorean Ball.  They blindfold’em for that and get’em back across I-95 before midnight.

There is a price that DownEast pays for their preponderance of very attractive women … they also have (uhh, how should we phrase it) not-so-pretty women.  It’s an either/or.  At some point in early adolescence a decision is made that certain young gals get all-u-can-eat passes for the Golden Corral Potato and Dessert Buffet.  Others are assigned their own chaise lounges at the local country club pool.  As they reach 14, 15, 16 the herd has been culled and branded … prancing thoroughbreds or pulling a plow.

Not all PDEW are matrimonally attached to rich guys … go to either Rocky Mount or Tarboro for instance. Walk into any dentists’ office to ask directions to the nearest Bojangles.  4 out of 5 receptionists will be 25-35 y/o and swallow your chewing gum  pretty.  The other one will be scary … you’ll know when you go.  One of the pretty receptionists is single but having an affair with the dentist who has a PDEW at home none the wiser, except she’s having her own affair with the assistant golf pro at the club.  Somehow it all works out OK.

Go to any Member-Guest Weekend at a DownEast Country Club … any one.  Count on 3 absolutes.
(1) The band will be Embers Wannabes .. (2) They will play Proud Mary a minimum of eight times … (3) There will be AT LEAST 8 Michelle Pfeiffer, Morgan Fairchild look-alikes.

How do PDEW get that way?  I have research on this.  #1 is a lifetime of going to da beach almost every weekend … #2 is pouring salted peanuts in their Coca Colas … #3 is never finding out their value in the outside world.  If a PDEW gets to Rawlee or Greensboro much less Charlotte or Atlanta she learns she can get all kinds of flattering attention with little more than lip gloss and an ankle bracelet.  DownEast attorneys, physicians, land barons, etc do not like their PDEW to learn much about the outside world.  Copies of Southern Living are screened to exclude specific references to faraway places.

Also, it’s genetic. If you find a baby bear in the woods, look out  Her mom is nearby.  If you see a PDEGirl (16-18) … count on a mid 40s PDEMom at home … AND a still fine looking 65-70 PDEGrandma not too far away too.  They pass down the genes and the beauty secrets.

If you ever find yourself in the presence of three generations of DownEast-grown Steel Magnolias (plus a plate of deviled eggs) … pinch yourself cause you might have died and gone to Heaven.  Mad Mohammed can have his 70 virgins.  Give me a DownEast Steel Magnolia of any generation … Jimmy Capps’ Our Best To You on the AM radio … and a cucumber sandwich.  That defines Heaven to any man-boy lucky enough to know what I’m talking about.

The worst mistake a PDEW can make is not using an industrial strength sunscreen.  Da Beach is wonderful for keeping a healthy glow and showing off the hard bod but if the skin starts looking and feeling like saddle leather the PDEW better start looking for a divorce lawyer.  Every 50 y/o PDEW knows there are two 25 y/o PDEW chomping at the bit to get her locker at da club.  Of course, any decent DownEast divorce lawyer knows that pay her club membership for life is standard text in the opening paragraph of any settlement.  A PDEW without a local club membership is a desperate individual.  Paunchy, bald and horny DownEast chiropractors cruise for this particular category of desperate damsel in distress.

PDEW who find themselves in a 40+ mid-life mess (i.e. incompetent divorce lawyer) usually move to Rawlee and study for their real estate license.

So long as a PDEW stays with SPF 30 and above and doesn’t supersize on Bojangles’ seasoned fries, she can be the Princess Di of Lenoir County or wherever.  Of course, being a former Kilgore Rangerette isn’t a bad life either.

>>><<<

   When PDEW was first published in 2002, it’s socio-cultural impact drew immediate comparisons to the opening of The Coral Bay Club at da beach … and ECTC getting University status.  Among the Great Moments In DownEast History it ranks above Jim Gardner buying Hardees and Digging Up The Ram Neuse.

   BobLee still gets random packages of ADPi underwear and naughty polaroids of 55 y/o women wearing pettipants and circle pins.  Mizzus lets me keep one out of every six.  We just got #5 in the current cycle.

   Part of the great fun of doing these columns is knowing that more like this one are probably still buried wherever this one came from.  Just got to keep taking Ginkgo Boloba and hoping one day I get to headline at The Coral Bay Club … Madison Square Garden and Caesars Palace are mighty fine but they ain’t [email protected] …. Packed to SRO with Baby Boomer PDEWs. 

   Oh, if its anything like the last time … this column will get passed around more often than Madonna on her Prom Night!    Which we always appreciate.

>>><<<

   Incredible response to the Coach Emory column.  Hard to imagine that so many of you had your own Coach Emory … actually scary that THERE ARE OTHER COACH EMORYS!

    This might be the perfect time to announce – I BOUGHT THE SEERSUCKER SUIT! – plan to unveil it in the eagerly-awaited and soon upcoming BobLee Video.  Matlock & Atticus look out – there’s a new Big Daddy in Town !

    BL & The Mizzus are headed up to Georgetown for a fancy schmanzy “do” on Friday at the elegant manse of a influential she-lawyer / inside-the-beltway gadfly.  How fancy you ask?  Mizzus demanding I wear socks!  A possible column awaits? – Ya Think!  

   Yes, we’ll do a follow-up on Professor Peeper … plus, yawn, there are updates on “Crash Nifong” that need discussing.  All in good time … All in good time.

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