DON’T DO IT WILLIE!

BobLee
January18/ 2000

… As you all know, making A Kenan Gameday more fan interactive is a priority over in Chapel Hill… We share that priority here at BobLeeSays   In fact we have offered several suggestion to that end with one in particular regarding “the Men’s Facilities” at Kenan Stadium.  Long an advocate for a return to the peeing walls (aka trough system) such as used in The Legend’s Lair, we are now recommending to Sr Athletic Director Willie Scroggs DON’T DO IT WILLIE!

WARNING … WARNING … WARNING 

This one has got a very high YUCK FACTOR to it…. ESPECIALLY to those of you with heavy duty C-Blue glasses on.  This story will not set well with those prefering to think that no one could  possibly be finer than those folks at Carolina.  We are talking about a crime committed recently by a UNC Senior Faculty Member … not a silly pot-banging protest … not a harumphing political statement … not a self-righteous ideological bloviation … A CRIME! … A Very YUCKY CRIME! …. Proceed At Your Own Risk.

    It is my educated guess that The Univ knew nothing about this until this story broke Fri night over the Atlanta TV station.  As you read further use that assumption.  THE STORY may turn out to be NOT the  individual but the institution AND the media.  How will UNC chose to handle this matter?  A quick resignation / retirement saves a lot of embarrassment for all concerned.  How will the local media deal w/ this?  Is it “as serious” as a racial epithet hurling?

UPDATE … 11 PM Monday …. Story now All Over The Place … An interesting study of the power of the Internet in such cases. …. UNC acknowledging seriousness of charge … will let Georgia judicial system rule first.  We agree w/ that policy at this point.

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   Remember when you learned that UNC’s very own Charles Kuralt had himself a little secret Love Muffin stashed away in Utah.  It made those puffin at the end of his CBS Sunday Morning Show just a tad less cute.  Well, this is sort of along those lines.

You know how when you go into a Public Restroom and you see those notices about The Dept of PUBLIC HEALTH Requires That All Employees Wash Their Hands After Using This Facility … well, those notices are gonna have a special meaning from now on.

You remember that incident down in Tampa a year ago October and the resultant headline … Two Panther Cheerleaders In A Toilet Stall …  that was a funny one, wasn’t it?

It’s a pretty good rule of thumb that any story that has the word RestRoom or Toilet in the headline is a story you do NOT want your name to appear in … especially Your Name … Your Title … and the name of the Prestigious Academic Institution at which you are employed.  The alumni and fans of Prestigious Academic Institutions particularly don’t like that 3rd part … At All.  … But rival fans sure do!

UNC fans recall how delighted you were a few years ago during one of Derm’s endless bizarro crime dramas de jour when the phrase NC State gay male escort appeared in the paper.  Do you recall all your Wuff acquainti you razzed about that?  Avoid those Wuff acquainti for the next decade or so.

Here is the headline from Atlanta’s WSB-TV2 on Friday night.

Airport Restroom Indecency On The Rise

If your choice of stories to have your name appear in are:

  • Lottery Winner is a BobLeeSays Reader
  • Heidi Klum Leaves Husband For BobLeeSays Reader … or
  • Airport Restroom Indecency On The Rise

You never pick that 3rd one … never

UNC Professor Dr. Hugh Tilson didn’t have a choice.  Or maybe he did.  The quite esteemed School of Public Health Professor ( A Haa-vaad man no less!) was among a bunch of men caught “red-handed” (ouch … it gets worse, trust me!) … NOTE:  Yes, we realize that Dr Tilson does look like you-know-who but any reader replies refering to playing his organ will be politely ignored.

A men’s restroom at Hartsfiled-Jackson International Airport which has become the playground for men who want to pleasure themselves in public and try to pick up other men according to police. Since December, officers have arrested and charged 11 men with public indecency. The list includes University of North Carolina Professor Dr. Hugh Tilson and Spelman College Professor Lev T. Mills.

He was masturbating while watching other patrons in the restroom,” explained B.C. Williams with the Atlanta Police Department.

   We were there when Mills went to court to answer the charge. The men are accused of using what’s known as the “West Crossover Bathroom” to commit their crimes. Police think they know why the bathroom has become such a hot spot.

   “We have found web sites where people have mentioned meeting at Hartsfield-Jackson,” said Major Darryl Tolleson with the APD.

   Police reports indicate men from North Carolina and Missouri have traveled to Hartsfield-Jackson and were arrested. One man focused his attention in the bathroom on military men and another performed sex acts with children nearby.

   “Makes me want to go to the bathroom before we come to the airport,” said parent Anthony Montoya.

I could go on but you won’t like it, trust me.  I’d rather go right on to the rest of the story.  The complete story is available on WSB’s website.   When reporting stuff like this I like to recall my first thoughts.  The story broke in Atlanta at 6:25 PM on Friday night.  My pal Beowolf e-mailed me the initial story at 6:28.   A 3 minute delay?  I suspect the lupine sumbitch was gloating too hard to type.

My first thought was if I was an Atlanta undercover cop, that’s NOT the assignment I would volunteer for.…. then I wondered do these restroom pervs ever got together with the gray walking dead in those Atlanta Airport Smoking Lounges.  Then I realized my serious obligation is to get all this to you folks in some coherent fashion which is harder than you think when one is spitting up Dr Pepper all over one’s keyboard.   This Guy Was A PUBLIC HEALTH Expert !!!  Well … here goes …

What will Meezie do?  … now, you’re all trying to get ahead of me on this aren’t you.  I write … you read.  Well, knowing Meez …

    1. An all night candlelight vigil outside a construction Port-A-Pottie by Venable Hall is a natural.  92-99.7% of Carrboro will likely show up.  Everyone bring their own votive candles and several boxes of Kleenex apiece.  Posters of the UNC swim teams and gymnastics teams will be available … both genders … pick whichever one works for you.
    2. Make sure Dr Tilson declares I am not a Terrorist.  Which in Dr Tilson’s case will not be a problem but it worked so well with Mad Mohammed let’s go that route again.  Get Matt Kupec to write another whizbang letter reconfirming that Dr Tilson is not a terrorist.
    3. Lets name something for him.  Maybe he has a favorite bush or light post he hides behind on campus.  A simple plaque with the WSB headline oughta work.
    4. ANY references to Silent Sam shooting off his gun will be turned over to the United Daughters of The Confederacy to deal with.
    5. Will Dr Tilson be FIRED … yeah RIGHT! … more likely they’ll give him a raise, make him a martyr, and give him his own stall and peep hole at the Carolina Inn.  Think about that the next time you’re at The Carolina Inn (just down the street from the Public Health School.)

The timing of all this could not be better for UNC’s dysfunctional wacked-out radical misfits.  They have been quite jealous of all the attention their counterparts at Duke have been receiving.  Reliable sources are already reporting that 88 UNC dysfunctional wacked-out radical misfits are crafting a letter/ad as we speak.  Unlike their Duke misfit buddies, the UNC’s Gang of 88 are asking Dr Tilson … (1) Exactly which restroom is it …… (2) Is there a best viewing time …… (3) Is there a secret handshake (that one was Mizzus’!) …… (4) Is there a companion restroom for the Sisters of Sappho, surely there HAS to be …… (5) What is involved in getting such a fun facility in RDU’s new terminal.

As far as Kenan Gameday is concerned … as a little BobLee I remember my dad’s first lessons about going to games in Kenan Stadium:

  • Wear something Carolina Blue 
  • Stand up and be reverent when they play Hark The Sound
  • Sing Aye Zigga Zoomba really loud
  • Sing Don’t Give A Damn For Duke University even louder.
  • When we go to the Men’s Room keep you eyes up and straight ahead

I never really understood that last one until now.  Fifty years ago … my Dad must have known somehow.

So as much nostalgia as those peeing walls represent I just don’t think it’s such a good idea for the next 20 years or so.  I’m sure General Bill is crappin’ 50 calibre hollow points over this latest news as is.  Now he won’t be goin’ in any Men’s Room within 30 miles of The Old Well for, hell, at his age, may EVER AGAIN.  A long peeing wall with no visual barrier just isn’t going to be very comforting to a lot of folks.  Not that any of’em likely have anything to be ashamed of but it’s just not something one needs to be worrying about on Gameday.  DON’T DO IT WILLIE! …. 

   Oh, before we forget … Welcome To UNC, Butch … get used to bizarro stuff like this.  It’s all part of what makes Carolina so gosh-darn special.

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 What famous UNC Student-Athlete once made a BIG $$$ 

contribution to the School Of Public Health???

 >>><<<

   Mark Wahlberg was an original member of New Kids On The Block and subsequent underwear model in Times Square.  A billboard which probably should NOT be reproduced anywhere around UNC for awhile regardless of how many anonymous requests might be received from the School of Public Health. 

   A few of you might be thinking this column is in poor taste BUT those same ones of you will go on fan forums and chortle all day like magpies over any bulls**t rumor about Coach K or any NC State coach or player.  This is a documented news story.   Assuming the Univ knew nothing about this until the Atlanta TV station took it public and assuming Dr Tilson had a spotless “public life” … how do you think this scandal will be handled ??? …. how would YOU deal w/ it as an Admin ???

  Prince Albert … I’m not explaining this one to you.  Ask Danny or Chuck.

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