Imperial Bowl Czar Named

January17/ 2000

…. The smoke wafted from the chimney at ESPN HQ in Bristol signaling the appointment of America’s First “Imperial Bowl Czar”.  The selection committee was composed of Keith Jackson’s “Nellie”, the guy who played Rudy, Miles Brand’s personal trainer, Kirk Herbstreit’s barber, and Valerie Bertinelli… The new “Czar” will have absolute power to do whatever needs doing relative to cleaning up the bowl and BCS mess…. 

    Actually Valerie Bertinelli was NOT on the selection committee.  But she did just announce her divorce from Eddie Van Halen after 24 years.  Speaking on behalf of “Guys Who Like Cute Girls”, I was never that upset about Valerie marrying Eddie.  Now when Heather Locklear married Tommy Lee … that was yucky fer sure.  I did get a little squemish imaging Valerie at backstage orgies w/ David Lee Roth.  Valerie and Eddie’s son Wolfgang Van Halen does have one of the coolest oddball celebrity names along with Bruce & Demi’s kids Rumor, Scout, and Tallula.  Where were we?

    Has Cindy Sheehan claimed a maternal link to that dead bi-polar moron “bomber” at Miami Airport?  If not, it’s just a matter of time.  Her bus, the Chock-Fulla-Nuts Express, is headed to Miami as we speak.

    Imperial BOWL CZAR … OK, you’ve figured out that yours truly, BL Swagger, has been appointed Imperial Bowl Czar of College Football effective immediately.  Here’s the new rules …


(1) Go ahead and play the Rose Bowl for #1 this year because that makes perfect sense.  Southern Cal versus Texas … Reggie & Matt versus Vince and Mack.  Must-see TV.

 (2)     In future years there will be a 7 team playoff.  (The #8 team gets to throw itself a “pity party”.) The #1 ranked team based on the existing BCS formula will receive a 1st round bye.  (A) #2 vs #7 … (B) #3 vs #6 … (C) #4 vs #5.  2nd Round – (D) A vs B … (E) C vs #1.  3rd Round = (F) Championship.   

 (3)     The final rankings, prior to the 7 team playoff, will include a special point allocation.  All teams will receive additional points equal to the average SAT scores of their starting 22 players.  Kickers and long snappers will not be counted. 

 (4)     Refer back to (2) … game sites for Games A, B, and C will be equi-distant between the opposing teams. Games A, B, C will all be played the 2nd weekend in December. Games D and E will be played the 3rd weekend of December at “really cool places that people might really want to visit that have either good weather or a domed stadium”.

 (5)     The World Championship of American College Football will be held on New Year’s Day in a legitimate big time location with afore-mentioned good weather but preferably with a domed stadium.  The game will start no later than 3:00 PM EST and the pre-game hoopla is limited to 2 hours maximum and cannot include Ashley Simpson, Rosanne Barr, Kid Rock or any pictures of Beano Cook’s chin.  One of the half-time bands MUST be from either Grambling or Florida A&M.  The Kilgore Rangerettes must be there too. (BLS once dated a “Rangerette”!)

    So much for “a National Championship” … now for all those totally meaningless “bowl games” that supposedly “influence” the collegiate decisions of athletically gifted 18 y/os with 3rd grade reading comprehension who think “Shakespeare” is a command.

Bowl Czar BobLee will call a meeting at The Ghost Bar of The Palms Hotel in Las Vegas 48 hours after the annual Army-Navy Game or Christmas Eve, whichever comes first.  A representative of each of the existing 25+ bowls will be on hand.  EVERY academic institution in Division 1-A not involved in the “play-off” may attend regardless of their W-L record or number of legitimate opponents played or number of felons on their active roster.  It doesn’t matter.

Each school pairs up with another school it would like as its opponent for “a bowl game”.  A school can only be in one pairing.    “Attractive schools” can “sell” themselves to other schools wanting to pair with them.  “Fat Cats” can come up with all sorts of under-the-table offers to snare an attractive opponent.  Likewise “unattractive schools” can offer bribes to get a partner.  It doesn’t matter. The same “pairings” cannot reappear for a four year period.  If NCSU pairs up with Liberty, it cannot do so again for 4 years.  Each “pairing” will be posted on a giant board kinda like they use at pro-am pairings parties.

Along with the names of the two teams (for instance Duke & Rice) will be a %.  That % is the capacity of the stadium that the two schools guarantee to fill up either with real fans, street urchins, unwed transvestites or cardboard cutouts of NASCAR drivers.  Duke & Rice – 86% would mean if a bowl picks the Duke & Rice pairing, they know 86% of their stadium seats will be occupied by something or someone at 50% of the face value of the ticket. 

Bowl Poobahs will select the pairing they want for their city.  The order of selection will be based on a poll of the Top 100 Billy BlueChips of that year answering the question … “List which of these 25 cities you have ever heard of and/or can spell correctly?”  Ballots with 10 or more city misspellings will be sent to Algore for his personal collection of disallowed ballots.  

All Div 1-A schools not selected will be designated as “pathetic losers” (or even worse – as “basketball schools”!) on until “signing day” in February.  After that they can go back to just being “academic institutions controlled by ideologically warped squirrels”. 

Oh … schools will be responsible for all their own bowl expenses.  But, they get to keep 50% of all ticket sales to their own fans.  Each school will be given three 60 second commercial slots during the game.  They can either re-sell those spots and keep the money OR use them for those insipid “we are the coolest school in the world” info-mercials.  In addition, each school is responsible for providing the tacky “bowl souvenirs” to their own players … warm-up suits, I-pods, and cheap watches.

The bowl guys agree to stage ONE bowl-week “silly team competition” such as seeing who can eat the most rhubard pie while blindfolded and milking a goat.  A skanky “bowl queen” related to a local politician will meet each team “on the tarmac” upon its arrival but she will NOT provide sexual favors unless well-compensated in advance.

For the games themselves … each bowl can make-up it’s own rules.  Suggestions include:

  • Kick-offs from the 20 to insure more runbacks.  Focus group show “touchbacks” have amazingly low fan appeal.
  • Narrow the goalpost width by 10’ but increase the point value of field goals from outside the 30 yard line to 4. 
  • Each coach allowed two “we didn’t mean to” penalty flag pick-ups per half.  They cannot be accumulated.
  • Any sort of “end zone celebration” is fine so long as cheerleaders or dance teamers are not directly involved (unless it is after 10PM EST … then it’s OK). 
  • At the half Offensive Coordinators switch teams.  Our no-account moron calls plays for them and their no-account moron calls plays for us.
  • Each team allowed one “sniper on the roof” with one bullet.  That bullet can be used on an opponent’s star player, on a breakaway long pass or kick return, OR on any Athletics Director within range. … 

There will be no winner’s trophy.  Each “bowl school” can create their own tacky pile of crap so long as it is at least 8’ high w/ running lights and will impress the hell out of someone with the IQ of a doorknob or with 5,000 posts on a message board.

So much for “bowls”.  ANY “bowl school” outside the Top Twenty with fewer than 8 victories must donate $1,000,000 to the general scholarship fund of their fiercest rival in order to even play in “a bowl”.  Celebrating mediocrity should be “costly”.

Any school with fewer than 8 Ws that opts to not even try to get into a bowl because “we don’t deserve it”, gets two “get off NCAA probation” markers they can use “as needed”.  Those markers canNOT be sold or traded to a SEC school.


 Swagger’s Stumper

 Who played Webster’s Daddy?


   In a surprise move, Meineke Bowl officials are willing to rescind their invite to NCSU and instead invite Univ. of Puget Sound IF disgruntled Caro-loonies will agree to purchase 100 tickets as Puget Sound fans.  It’s called “Put your money where your malice is”.  Thus far, of course, not one disgruntled Caro-loonie has crawled out from under his keyboard to accept the offer.


 HEY … a copy of BobLee’s “Braggin’ Rites” is the PERFECT stocking stuffer for friends, family, or annoying neighbor … check it out over there on the right. Now in its 3rd PRINTING … Woo Hoo!

 Ricky Proehl is in his 16th NFL season.  Does he have the most catches in NFL history for someone who has never made All-Pro?  Someone contact Mick for that answer.

 Bud Carson has died … a UNC player in the late 40s … an Asst under Jim Hickey … and an acknowledged “Defensive Genius” in the NFL.  He built “the Steel Curtain” in Pittsburgh.

 Philip Rivers’ dad, Steve, went 14-1 at Raleigh’s Wakefield HS this season.

 Some punk w/ the DTH has come out with a “Fire John Bunting and promote Marvin The Messiah” rant.  If the punk was a Conservative, they’d fire him for such trash.

 UNC loonies have stop-action film showing that 38 seconds elapsed on Duke’s miracle shot to beat VaTech on Sunday. Who knew Abe Zapruder was on hand.  

 VaTech has the best fan following in the ACC but a consolation repeat trip to Jaxville will test even the HokieNation.

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