Aw Hell, Not ANOTHER One!

January17/ 2000

… In a blatant effort to distract from NCSU’s upcoming bowl appearance, UNC officials dropped more bombs in the past 48 hours than Jimmy Doolittle’s boys delivered on Tokyo in WW2.  Mike Mason will NOT be joining Danny Talbott and Phil Ford in the pantheon of great Rocky Mount Tar Heels.  Marvin The Messiah flirts with returning to the Big 12.  “Major Y” trades in his baton for a celestial harp.  Britany cancels K-Fed’s credit cards … and the Swaggers gets a personal gift from “Jack Bauer”.

      I sensed impending doom when I read a CaroLoon comment earlier in the week … “what are we gonna talk about from now til ‘signing day’?”  As lethargic cyber-dorks began dusting off the classic threads … “best barbecue places”, “Ginger or Mary Ann”, and “what would you say to Dickie if you ever actually stood in the great man’s presence?” the Lords of Chaos were putting the finishing touches on their December surprise … that December 7 was the anniversary of Pearl Harbor was not coincidental … nor the opening of Narnia at “a theater near you”.

In no particular order of earthshaking interest to 99.9% of the human race …

Mike Mason, one of the last surviving members of the ill-fated Titanic Class of ’03, is no longer surviving.  “The tribe has spoken” and Mike’s torch was extinguished as he took the well-worn “perp walk” out of Kenan on Thursday.  The inevitable “how comes” ranged from “he had a ponytail” to “that celebratory kick versus UVa” to the usual drugs, sex, shoplifting, impersonating Bosley Allen, etc.

My all-time favorite was Chuckie Burnette, questioned as to how a room full of furniture all stamped Property of UNC Housing ended up in his apartment, stated “I dunno?”.    

Citing the usual yadda yadda about “we can’t violate Mike’s rights as a student miscreant by giving out the truth so we’ll leave it to your imaginaton” UNC FB SID Kevin Best kicked off what now promises to be a busy holiday season around “The House that Mack & The Fat Cats Built”.  

Student-athlete miscreantry tends to run in cycles.  Remember when “stolen phone cards” were all the rage back in the 90s.  Wiped out the entire Clemson D-line as I recall as well as various other schools across Div-1A including a certain institution “downeast” .  Then there was a rash of girlfriend bashings otherwise known as “Lawrence Philliping” after the Nebraska thug-alete that dragged his b*tch down a flight of stairs by her hair prompting Tom Osborne to give up coaching and join a relatively clean profession of “politics” … !!!??? … Circa 2005 and we have “fake drivers licenses”.

Apparently Mike was “carrying a fake” when apprehended back in November in Wake County.  That his own license had been revoked for some unspecified malfeasance is incidental.  The police report did not mention if Mike was using “a Dexter Reid” or “a Panther cheerleader”.  That young Mr Mason has a ponytail makes either a possibility we suppose.  It was another dismissed Tar Heel receiver, Bosley Allen, that popularized “the fake Dexter” back in 2001 prior to his being caught “making sex act sounds” in his Peach Bowl hotel room.  Notice how all these “aw hell, not another one” incidents seem to link together.

    Once again demon cannabis may be involved.  No mention of whether any friends of Michael Irvin’s had left “drug paraphenalia” in Mike Mason illegally being driven car but, hey, they are both “wide receivers”.  CaroLoons are divided on whether existing drug laws should be ignored based on whether one’s team is “bowl eligible” or not.  The legal eagles of LoonLand seem to think “blue chippers” should be exempt from state and federal statutes.  That Mike was a dues-paying member of UNC’s infamous All Thumbs Receiver Corps this past Fall disqualified him from this defense.

   NCAA regulations stipulate that marijuana is only authorized when found in 93 lb blocks.  Ounces are bad … pounds are OK ???

As “the wire services” were ablaze with Mason miscreantry, the boys over at PackLoon Central were not standing idly by.  No sirreee.  Black helicopters were in-flite as they activated their MediaWatch Conspiracy Corps.  This beady-eyed bunch of Lupine mouth-breathers rushed out to purchase copies of 100 “major metropolitan dailies” including The Manchester Guardian, Toledo Blade, and Sacramento Bee.  Tallies began of # of words devoted to the story, size of headline type, over-under “the fold”, and # of pixels in the photo.  Comparisons were immediately posted relative to Percy Mooreman’s rape trial, Tommy Burleson and the pinball machine, and the more recent Twinkie Bandits.

That the Mason Mess even appeared in the N&O indicated that “someone” had neglected to keep a healthy balance in UNC’s Hush-it-up Fund down at South McDowell Street.  It turns out the monthly deposit in un-marked bills had erroneously been made to Dean’s Hush-it-up Fund at Chapel Hill Police HQ instead.  Yet another black mark to Dickie’s tenure we fear.  With so many “rugs to sweep ‘aw sh*ts” under” it’s a wonder anyone can keep’em straight.  

Meanwhile … the Fat Cats of The Gimghoul Starchamber were, to a cat, quite unhappy.  Yes, they do LOVE to read about “bad boy” incidents among Wuffs, Noles, Deacs, Dookies, and Hoos but they have an aversion to being reminded that “our boys” are culled from the same herd of miscreants.  Mrs Bunting might consider letting Coach John open his gift of kevlar undershorts a few weeks early for this.   

As I read about “the Mason Mess” I couldn’t help but think of that Daily Tar Heel punk pundit who lamented recently that “UNC MUST return to the glory days of LT …”… YIKES!  

    (NOTE:  the “buzz” is that Mason is “just the first” of what could be a few more to take “the perp walk” outta Kenan in the days to come … sob, sigh, sniff)


    They call it The Other Manhatten – “The Little Apple” … but CaroLoons are all atwitter that Marvelous Marvin The Messiah might be tempted to return to his Big 12 roots.  Yes, Carolina’s designated Assistant Coach We Like Because He’s Black & Comes From Nebraska might be leaving.  He says he might not but CaroLoons recall a coach, who was “Brown”, that said the same thing only 8 years ago … as the U-Haul pulled into his driveway.  

Will Marvin join ex-Hoo Ron Prince in the middle of some God-forsaken wheatfield OR assume the designated “former UNC DC” position at College Station recently vacated by NASCarl?  Golly, we sure don’t know.

UPDATE – 12/11


Signing a $250,000/yr 3 Year Guarantee Deal!

But the Loons will still hate Dickie, just because …

     Loon logic, of course, measures the limits of  “Heaven” as “as far as you can throw a hushpuppy from the intersection of Franklin and Columbia”.  Manhatten Kansas is 1,800 miles beyond any blue-blind junior woodchuck’s ability to “chunk a puppy”.  Could Marvin Sanders be just a tad bit more worldwise than the cyber children of Granville Towers?

    If Marvelous Marv does indeed opt for “the color purple” look for (1) “Kill Dickie” t-shirts to be a hot gift item for many CaroLoonies … and (2) expect UNC to still field a football team next Fall and for BobLee and his tailgate pals to be there to watch’em.        


Aye Zigga Zoomba Zoomba Zoomba

Aye Zigga Zoomba Zoomba Zay

Roll’em Down Ye Tar Heel Warriors  

 Major John Yesulaitis (the legendary “Major Y”), longtime UNC Band Director died this week at his Chapel Hill home at 89.  With all the assorted constipated nuts and squirrels that vie to symbolize “Chapel Hill” … I, BobLee Swagger, prefer to remember the “good guys” like Sarge Keller, Morris Mason, John Lacey, Arthur Beaumont, Doug Clark … and “Major Y”.  R.I.P. 


 Speaking of neato keen Christmas gifts … the FedEx Elf delivered a Lollapalooza to Swagger Manor of Thursday … the 4th Season DVD of 24.  Pretty cool, huh … oh, have I mentioned that it was autographed “To BobLee & The Mizzus, Best Wishes Kiefer Sutherland” … Yes Sirree … “Jack Bauer” his own steely-eyed, angst-ridden CTU Field Operative self signed our copy.  Of course BLS and The Mizz were up til 2 AM Friday night and got thru the first 8 hours.   So much for whatever our original weekend plans were.

   Then Saturday afternoon, Mizzus Swagger met George Tenet … yeah, THAT ONE … coincidence … yeah SUUUURE!


 Swagger’s Stumper

(A Swagger’s Says Repeat)

Speaking of “bombs” … who “rode the bomb” In Dr Strangelove? 


 … and #1 Duke stomps #2 Texas behind “overrated” JJ’s 40+ … and you wonder why God is so unpopular in Chapel Hill …


    Alex “Mongo” Karras was “Webster’s Daddy” … and the lovely Susan Clark was his TV wife. Wonder whatever happened to Emmanual Lewis?

    As referenced above … Britany Spears, Hollywood’s latest Mommy Skank, has canceled hubby K-Fed’s credit cards as pop divas vie for mag covers.  Rumor has it that Kevin will take his collection of wife-beater t-shirts, and very potent sperm count, and move in with Jessica Simpson’s daddy.  Oh me, oh my!  

   If Marv is worth $250,000 … and maybe he is … what are Jared Haase and CB McGrath worth? … I’d say “a whole bunch”.  They didn’t give up two 4th quarter bombs to Maryland or 69 points to Louisville.

    Kid saw a sneak preview of Narnia with her God Squad chums and gives it a solid “thumbs up”.

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