Real Housewives of Dallas… Oh My!

RHs of Dallas
BobLee
April12/ 2016

99% of you not named “Albert” have probably blown out a few brain cells watching some/or part of one or more Real Housewives Of _____ reality shows.

There are 5-6 of these things on the Bravo channel.  The concept is the same with each one…. go into a “Big City” and find 6-8 nouveau-riche high-society housewives a/k/a “residential mega-divas”.   Mic’em and follow’em with a camera as they slice ‘n dice one another in a series of exaggerated “cat fights” over the most inconsequential of socio-cultural non-issues.

They range in age from late 20s to “she’s had A LOT of work done”…. reek of “cougar” and “trophy wife” and a four-letter term we will NOT use here.   These shows are not for the uninitiated in the wicked ways of “cable channels” and do not speak well for Human Evolution in general.  If the word “vapid” is in your vocabulary quiver, you will use it after about 15 minutes as the cast o’characters make their entries and exits.  These shows make “soap operas” look like Shakespeare.

“Cameras w/ live mics” following these gals as they go about their quite pampered daily lives totally obsessed with pop-psychology analysis of each other.   Each one quite convinced “I’m the only smart one in this bunch… and the only one with her original boobs”.  Yeah, right.

So far there are RHs Of….. Beverly Hills…. New Jersey….. New York…. Miami….. Atlanta…. Orange County and Potomac that I can think of without googling.

Blondie and I admit to a several years long addiction to RH Of Beverly Hills.  It is not anything we are proud of but admitting an addiction is Step One to kicking it.  We have followed this gaggle of mani-pedied she-squirrels thru all sorts of spats and slaps and thrown drinks and stilettoed-HARRUMPHs.

These leggy-loonies get paid rather well based on some sliding scale of lovable outrageousness they can exude.  Feigning a manic faux-intellectual insanity is what they all strive for.  Supposedly it is NOT scripted but NO ONE can be this “vapid” without professional help.Kyle and Mauricio

Counting spouses and “others” there are 12 or so characters in each show.  On RHofBH, there is only one – Kyle’s husband Mauricio – who has the gumption to be teleported into Hope Mills or Siler City or Hickory and survive more than twenty minutes.  Mauricio has built a real estate empire among the Rodeo Drive glitterati.  He has a swarthy Antonio Banderas-vibe going for him.

His wife – Kyle – is one of the VERY few RHs who might be able to walk to the mailbox without a 45 minute make-up session…. maybe.

Best Description of a typical RHof cast ….. imagine if The Fox News hotties all had evil catty step-sisters.  THAT be these RH gals.

I’m here to tell you about THE LATEST “Real Housewives Of _____ that debuted last night. …… The RHs of Dallas!

Why’d it take’em so long to “do Dallas”?  “Dallas-divas” have been auditioning for “this” for decades.

The backdrop of RHoD is the high-toned world of Dallas Charity-dos.  The star-diva is going to be “LeeAnne” LeeAnneLocken – the self-annointed Queen Bee of Dallas Charity World.   “LeeAnne”  is late 40s-early 50s with kinda a Jackie Collins-vibe working….. lots of jet-black hair, always “working the room” and convinced she can “make or break” any “wanna-bee” trying to invade “her world”.

“LeeAnne” lives with Larry The Cop who has been married “a lot” and hoping not to add to that “lot”.   Oh…. have I mentioned that LeeAnne was born / raised “in a carnival”.   She was “a carny kid”.  That’s a new wrinkle for RHof shows.  We’ll probably see figures from her murky past emerging in weeks to come.

“LeeAnne” does not “have $$$” but the arm-candy gals that do via “Daddy” or a SugarDaddy recognize LeeAnne’s ability to organize charity do’s so she gets to hold the Rolodex of Who’s Who in Big D.

LeeAnne’s primary protagonist is “Brandi” ….. Brandi Redmond …. and GUESS WHAT “Brandi” is …. you’re gBrandi Redmondonna love this classic casting …. a Former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.   Is that “out of leftfield” …. NOT.

According to Brandi, she got the cherished cover of the DCC Swimsuit calendar not once, but twice, during her 4-5 years as a DCC.  “Brandi” seems to be “early 30s” with auburn hair and a mischievous twinkle in her feline eyes.  Her rather doltish husband “travels a lot” determined to “make his millions before he’s 40” in a yet-to-be-revealed bizness.

Brandi’s partner in glam-mischief is “Stephanie”.   Stephanie was an Oklahoma farm girl who grew up in some sort of Pentacostal family thingy.  She rebelled as her physical charms manifested.   She met a “rich boy” at a party…. they “made out” three weekends in a row then she married him.   He’s a Boomer Sooner good ol’ boy with a Mommie Complex which Stephanie ain’t…. but she can fake it.

In exchange for a Gucci bag full of credit cards, BoomerBoy gives her “a to-do list” of chores around the house like programming the garage door opener.   She calls Brandi over and they end up drunk on “Jesus Juice” – Brandi’s term for “wine”.   Stephanie has a unique “flatulence skill” that is a first for RHof shows.

THE LINE last night that blew up the Dallas Twitter-verse was from LeeAnne.   She spies Brandi & Stephanie discussing that aforementioned flatulence skill and proffers….  “There a lot of Plano going on over there.”  The good citizens of Plano – a well-known Far Fashionable North Dallas (FFND) mega-burb – were not pleased AT ALL.

In last night’s premiere…. LeeAnne learns that Brandi is doing unflattering “mimics” of her.  LeeAnne confronts Brandi at a “trunk show” for Breast Enhancements For Poor Girls. ???  The episode ends with LeeAnne telling Brandi (and Stephanie) that “You don’t want me as an enemy…..”.   It’s probably too late for that.

BUT WAIT….. There’s More.

I lived in Dallas in the early 80s.  I knew the 80s version of these Leggy Loonie She-Squirrels who are now long-ago retired leggy loonies or dead of over-botoxification..

A dear dear friend – and very devoted BLSays disciple of many years – is “Princess Fairmont”.  “PF” has been known to comment here on occasion.  She still lives in Dallas and, in a former life, was Concierge at The Four Seasons…. and Personal Assistant to a Top Five Mega-Wealthy Dallas Family.  PF also dated Frank Sinatra Jr for several years, but, hey, we all dated somebody, didn’t we?  I dated a Kilgore Rangerette back in the day.

“Princess Fairmont” and her BFF “Debbie The Party Planner” KNOW both LeeAnne AND Brandi.  …. and they know me …. and I know YOU …. and here we all are!   Cool, huh?

This AM I texted “PF” and she will be sending me “the behind-the-scenes dirt” on The RHs of Dallas.   With Dallas High Society there is always lots and lots of “dirt” to be sent.

Check your cable listings for Real Housewives Of Dallas.   Send me any questions you might have and we’ll have PF and DV get us “the scoop”.

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BobLee

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Old MacDonald
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Old MacDonald

I think you overestimate the viewership of those things BL — I have never seen a second of one and would not even know where to look for them.

Charlotte Wuffie
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Charlotte Wuffie

I didn’t even see the show, but your vivid description was click bait for Bravo.
I must be very near royalty to learn that…”“Princess Fairmont” and her BFF “Debbie The Party Planner” KNOW both LeeAnne AND Brandi. …. and they know me …. and I know YOU …. and here we all are! Cool, huh?” Kinda close to that famous several mere degrees of separation, huh?
Great work BL.

Tom the Wuff
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Tom the Wuff

Zowie, BL! Real Housewives of…..(anywhere) and those type of reality shows have zero, zilch, notta bit of interest to me! Toss me some Black List, Madame Secretary, Good Wife and Blind Spot and I’m all in! What I really want to know is what did Hickory ever do to earn your blasphemy? I was born and reared there; left after finishing HS and never returned to live! Still love my “home town” however!!

TerriInWilm
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TerriInWilm

I saw IT last night. Your description was waaaay funnier than the show itself. It truly is vapid on steroids. LeeAnne is very scary!

Doug
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Doug

There’s a new? (2014) show on Bravo called Southern Charm filmed in Charleston. SC not WV. I only learned of it this week. An acquaintance described the show as “awful but wonderful.” Although I’ve only seen 1 or 2 minute glimpses of RH programming, I surmise they are all about the same and most, if not all, of the stars have at least one thing in common. None of em still have Genuine GM Parts. DDD and Fixer Upper monopolize most of my viewing these days as I await the arrival of a new season of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries.