THE most ridiculous two weeks in American Sports are – The Two Weeks Before The Super Bowl. Sorry Augusta. This is “A Tradition Like No Other”.
It’s Media Mardi Gras. Every dingleberry with a laptop gets knee-walking drunk on his/her own byline (1) creating storylines out of nothing…. (2) giving every deep snapper his Andy Warhol “15 minutes”….. and (3) beating every dead horse into unrecognizable goo.
Two years ago, These Two Weeks were all about What Will The Weather Be Like For The Game. It was in New York in the middle of winter. On the first play from scrimmage, the center snapped the ball over Peyton’s head for a safety and the game was, for all practical purposes, over.
Last year’s it was What Will Marshawn Lynch NOT Say Today.
This year, OF COURSE, it is Cam Cam More Cam and Then Some More Cam.
I “get it”…. Cam Newton is The Story. The Carolina Panthers are The Story of The Year in The NFL…. and Cam Newton is the In-Yo-Face of The Panthers.
And, in case you haven’t noticed, Cam Newton is Black. Not really really black but “black enough” that his Blackness can be The Story because in the twilight of Obama’s Reign….
Blackness Is Part of EVERY Story About Everything.
If you think CAM IS BLACK / BLACK IS CAM / BLACK IS CAM IS BLACK is All There Is Now…. just wait’ll Next Week. You ain’t seen NUTHIN’ yet.
For the next ten days – CAM IS BLACK – replaces Global Warming / Climate Whatever as The #1 Issue On Earth.
EXCEPT in those CPI home security commercials with “Luke” thwarting the World’s One & Only White Home Invader. Those CPI commercials are “whiter than a Jimmy Buffett Concert @ The South Pole” …I digress.
When a young man named Russell Wilson – relatively unknown beyond Richmond, Raleigh and Madison – emerged as an elite NFL QB with two Super Bowls in his first three years – the persistent question has been Is Russell Wilson Black Enough?
Apparently, Russell doesn’t “act Black” ?? Divorcing his blond wife and dating a hottie black singer has helped Russell “black up” a little bit. Albeit that “chastity” thing sure didn’t score him any points with da bruthas.
In Baseball, this is known as Derek Jeter Disease. In The NBA this Black Enough Question is now manifesting itself in Steph Curry.
…. When Halle Berry won her Oscar back in the day before Blacks were “blacklisted” by Hollywood’s elite… before Halle could even get to the Oscars After-party at Spago’s the headlines were screaming that Halle won because she was “not too Black”…. “Mocha” don’t count.
Apparently there is a PMS Wheel of Blackness and Halle was too close to the Wonder Bread end of the rainbow. Who knew? Give Whoopi an Oscar and lets move on.
Who can ever forget “Bozo Joe” Biden back in 2007, commenting that a certain one-term junior senator from Illinois might have a future in national politics because he was “a nice, clean black”. THAT never got the media play that Dan Quayle’s spelling of “potato” received? Huuumm?
Cam Newton is The LeBron James of The NFL. An awesome physical specimen who does incredible things on a football field. Mano a mano…. More power to him.
In January 1988, “The Greek”, at the time employed by CBS Sports, in an interview with an NBC-affiliate, proffered that what was happening in pro football – in 1988 – with an rising preponderance of black athletes could be traced to:
Then, of course, there was The Dodgers’ Al Campanis’ theories on Blacks not having the necessities to be a baseball manager. Of the two, I thought the Yeee-HA Factor was much higher with The Greek than with Ol’ Al.
…Ask Cam if his Great Great Granddaddy was a Mandingo Warrior?
…Will the words “stud fees” be uttered. OMG!
…What would Mel Kiper Jr pay for a vial of Cam sperm?
Can men possessing Lebron and Cam’s “raw athleticism” – rarely if ever found in human beings of their physical size – be traced back to their ancestors running down lions in The Kalahari?
Is this some heretofore dormant manifestation of Athletic Darwinism?
I’ve addressed in earlier columns how the mucho ballyhooed Pseudo-Tsunami of Cam Hate Sweeping Across White America – except for The Great State of Mecklenburg, of course – is a GIANT PILE ‘O CRAP – but it is 2016. GIANT PILES ‘O CRAP is what “the media” strives on!
A dozen or so LTTEs and one incredible fool out in Seattle wanting Cam banned from ever setting foot in Seattle for disgracing that 12th man flag now represent EVERY registered Republican especially those listening to Talk Radio…. and everyone living in Trump Tower.
I can see it now….
Scenario #1: The Super Bowl comes down to a final Mega-Controversial Play – either the Broncos Win with Peyton a/k/a Captain White Bread In His Swan Song – doing something …. OR …. The Panthers Lose with Cam a/k/a The Future Of The NFL failing to “do something incredible”.
Either way it is Soooo Controversial that a million replays cannot determine if Peyton or Cam did or didn’t score. A TA’s Knee situation times 100. ….. a very white referee – Registered Repub, a devote Christian and maybe even a distant cousin of Jim Knight – rules in favor of The Broncos…. and Peyton.
As the confetti is falling over Levi Stadium:
Pandemonium hits America on a level of The Yellowstone Caldera blowing its top. Right out of Revelation…. Rivers of Blood – Raining Frogs – The Return of The McRib – The whole Kit & Kiboodle. CHAOS REIGNS!
President Obama and Valerie Jarrett move quickly to:
- Declare Martial Law….
- Abolish the 22nd Amendment declaring BHO Emperor For Life….
- Dispatches Death Squads of “Black Lives Matter” Commandos to seize control of Twitter, Facebook, and all of Donald Trump’s golf courses.
The entire Manning Family – Daddy Archie, Mamma Olivia, Eli & His Family, Peyton & His Family, even Cooper “The 3rd Brother” – are shoved into black SUVs with tinted windows and never seen again.
As a similar SUV pulls into my cul-de-sac “for me”….. I hurriedly post the following question: Suppose the Panthers had drafted Russell…. and the Seahawks had drafted Cam ??
- Would Mecklenburg Morons Hate Cam for “dabbing”? …. Sure.
- What would Jimmy “The Greek” think about “dabbing”?
- What the hell IS “dabbing”?
Scenario #2: Cam and The Panthers Win…. as the confetti falls on Levi Stadium, Marine One lands at the 50 yard line. Barack Obama steps out – (1) declares Cam “the son I never had”….. (2) they fist-bump …. and (3) Father, Son and Beyonce dab around the stadium as The Florida A&M Rattler Band plays “some inspirational rap anthem I’ve never heard of”.
.. Asked by CBS’ Tom Brookshier re: his speed: “Duane, are you that fast?”
Later, Duane was asked: “How does it feel playing in The Ultimate Game?”
Duane: “It it’s the Ultimate Game, how come they’re playing it again next year?”
Duane Thomas was voted Super Bowl VI’s MVP by an overwhelming margin BUT…
Because Duane had boycotted “the media” through the season and prior to the Game – SPORT Magazine, that was presenting the award, didn’t know how Duane “might behave” at the presentation banquet. Uh Oh! So SPORT’s Editor Larry Klein threw out the votes and announced Roger Staubach as the winner. Oh My! Didn’t know that did ya?
Roger Staubach was “The Peyton Manning of 1971”. Duane Thomas was Black. You probably figured that out already. Huh?
That was forty-four Ultimate Games ago. A Tradition Like No Other.