Ain’t Never Gonna Happen

June15/ 2015

Everywhere I go, I get THE Question. Especially if I am around two or more born and bred ABCers (“Anybody But Carolina”). I defy you to find a corner of this planet without two or more ABCers.

THE Question:  BobLee, when will Obnoxious Carolina Fans (OCFs) finally “surrender”?

THE Answer:  Google Masada or The Alamo…. or Hillary Clinton’s Presidential Campaign.

Were there always so many ABCers? Are they those trees falling in the Deep Woods that fell unheard for so many years? The Internet amplified their ABC-ness and brought awareness to the sheer volume of their numbers.  Have their ranks swelled since Marvin tweeted – Spring 2010 – and UNC started handing out fat lifetime pensions as “rewards” to anyone who could permanently stain its once-assumed pristine image?Carnival Barker

UNC doles out those lifetime pensions like kewpie dolls at a carnival midway’s sucker games. “Step right up and – Be complicit in a decades-long eligibility scheme.  Win a nifty Rameses plush toy…. or thousands of taxpayer bucks for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!”.

Where was I? Of yeah…. Ain’t Never Gonna Happen.

Fire Roy after making him eat a bug and kiss Coach K’s butt in the intersection of Franklin and Columbia streets…… Bulldoze the Dean Dome and salt the ground it is built on…… Cut up “the banners and the jerseys in the rafters” into toilet paper squares…… Admit Dean Smith probably once jaywalked and tore a tag off of a mattress….,. yeah all that would be fun to watch BUT:

What the average ABCer REALLY want is for his/her personal “Obnoxious Carolina Fan” (OCF) to admit he/she/it has worshipped a False God for their entire life which……. Ain’t Never Gonna Happen.

Every ABCer HAS a personal OCF. It may be a neighbor, a co-worker, a civic club member, a church pew sharer, or, worst of all…. one’s sister’s no-count 3rd husband who ruins every Thanksgiving by simply showing up.Carolina Fans

Despite reminding entreaties by an ABCer’s spouse and mamma to “try and be nice this year” and one’s earnest attempts to indeed “be nice”; such good intentions are usually smashed to smithereens within 45 minutes of sister and no-count OCF’s arrival.

ABCers have never realized that a covert UNC committee HQed in a secret grotto beneath “The Rat” sends out Be Obnoxious reminders to all OCFs the week before Thanksgiving as well as other traditional family gathering holidays. They have been doing so since at least the early 70s if not before. The tradition became more formal in April 1982 when the Be Obnoxious reminder notices became a Rams Club annual budget item. You didn’t know that? Come one…. everybody knows that.

Enduring Myth #27:  That the worst OCFs are “Wal-Marters”.   I’ve never bought into that.  “Wal-Marters” are no different than Wuffie bottom-feeders – they are attracted to bright, shiny things that might offer respite from their so-called “life”.  The hard-core OCFs are the 3rd-4th generation Old Wellers – a/k/a The Lower-Levelers.   Their bulging portfolios are all invested in ONE stock – Carolina Basketball.  If that goes belly-up – they got nuthin’.   On Oct 29, 1929, such non-diverse investors did swan dives out of Wall Street high-rises.  IF the NCAA drops the hammer on RoyWorld, the lower-level OCFs will be “Geronimoing” off the roof of Dean’s Dome or The Blue Zone.

This burning tire landfill fire is not going out in our lifetime. “Our” is anyone currently living and/or in a womb. This mess soared passed The Jimmy V Scandal in degree of magnitude two years or so ago.

UNC admins, in their own delightful fashion, keep dousing the fire with jet fuel while screaming “OUT DAMN FIRE ….. OUT I SAY!”  Bless their hearts.

ABCers expecting humble epiphanies from their personal OCFs are playing solitaire with decks of far fewer than 51.  Humility 101 has NEVER appeared in a UNCCH course catalogue…. and NEVER WILL.

It could be argued who is “lunkhead dumbest” on this. The OCF who can (and will) simply continue to be a Holocaust Denier / Madeleine forever and a day….. or the eternally frustrated ABCer who keeps thinking the next revelation (or the next one…. or the next one or….) will bring the OCF to his knees seeking redemption. Ain’t Never Gonna Happen.

Call it a Mexican Standoff. The OCF and ABC should team up to teach pigs how to whistle. Something that might actually be possible to achieve.

Anyone who has ever had a cat for a pet knows there is only so much you can do when the cat starts peeing on the carpet, furniture, et al. Change litter every hour. Change brands of litter. Have litter boxes in every room. Admonish the cat. Plead with the cat. Buy scented sprays. Have all sorts of kidney/bladder treatments from a sympathetic vet. Consult “experts” on “cats peeing on the carpet and upholstery”. Yadda Yadda Yadda ……

What it will come down to is what is more important to you – your cat or your carpet and the olfactory circumstances. Pretty much the same with having an OCF in your personal / professional orbit.

Is it worth breaking your mom’s heart and NOT “coming home” for Thanksgiving thereby avoiding the OCF? Keep this in mind…..

If your OCF is that obnoxious he will eventually be your sister’s 3rd ex-husband opening the possibility that #4 might be an improvement. OR…. alas, the #4 she could bring home might be a really flatulent jackass who (1) is convinced there is another box of uncounted “chads” somewhere in Broward County with Al Gore name on’em…. and (2) he also pees on the carpet.

Say Good Night, Gracie.


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