Rimshots 04/05/12

April05/ 2012

Chris Washburn, Meet Morris Claiborne
….. “470” has stood for 25+ years as the gold standard of low achievement for “student-athletes”.  470 was, of course, Chris Washburn’s SAT score.  Move over Chris – Meet Morris Claiborne of LSU.  Morris recently scored a whopping “4” out of 50 on the NFL’s infamous Wonderlic Test.  A score of 10 is “fog a mirror” on the Wonderlic.  “4” is so low it doesn’t even have its own nickname…. i.e. The Mendoza Line.
The Wonderlic is not a Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuits-type general knowledge test but rather measures analytical thinking and “have a freakin’ clue” for aspiring NFL bounty-hunters leaving the halls of academe for The NFL.
Claiborne will still be a Top Ten draft choice and will sign a multi-million $$$ NFL contract in the next few months for the same reason Kim Kardashian does not have to spend Saturday nights home alone – “brains” ain’t why Morris and Kim are popular.
Morris Claiborne managed to stay eligible at LSU for three years despite, apparently, being “dumber than a fence post”.  Three years at LSU and Morris can’t even spell L-S-U unless you spot him the L and the S.
 “Harumph, there’s no one at OUR school like that” say rabid fans across America; proving that the players aren’t the only dumb ones in the silly world of BCS Or Bust.

Will Success Breed Calipari CopyCats?
…… Now that John Calipari’s “Won & Done” recruiting strategy has proven successful, will other schools rush to copy it?  “Other schools” have already been copying Calipari’s strategy.
Recent Duke point guards haven’t stuck around long enough to get their uniforms sweaty.  Only “big white guys named Tyler” stick around Chapel Hill for four years any more.  Big Time College Basketball has been using “The Calipari Way” for a dozen years; he just does it better than anyone else.
Hate John Calipari because (1) he has left two former employers under NCAA sanctions, or (2) because he looks and acts like Eddie Haskell trying to con “Mrs Cleaver” but don’t hate him because he uses “existing rules” to his advantage.
A certain deified legend with his very own Dome once used exiting rules to create Four Corners and his fans loved him for it, opposing fans not so much. 

Morris Claiborne scores a “4” and The Calipari Way – How to “succeed” in Big Time College Sports in 2012.  And Miss America contestants get boob jobs.  Say it ain’t so Shoeless Joe.


Dear Billy Payne; Blondie and Kid don’t care.
…… A Tradition Like No Other = Bashing Augusta National for not having bidets in the members locker room.   “Is Tiger back?” is battling “No Women Members” as the #1 issue on Magnolia Drive this week.   I have three females in my family – Blondie, Kid and AnnabelleCat.  I polled all three to see if they cared that Augusta National does not have any female members.  They don’t so I don’t.
I figured “this week’s issue” would be “Does Augusta National allow teenage black kids wearing “hoodies” at Amen Corner?”  Tiger wearing a red hoodie on Sunday might create a bit of a stir…. huh?


…… The new TV show GCB is creating a bit of a stir.  It is an over-the-top parody on Dallas society “catty bitches”.  It also throws a punch at “religion among the nouveau riche Texas-style”.  I appreciate the reasons for the controversy but also think the show is funny as heck.
Oddly, one of my favorite actresses – Kristin Chenowith – is the most abrasive character in the ensemble.
To really appreciate the parody = reality aspect of the show one needs to have some hands-on experience with The Park Cities of Dallas.  This could be called The Real Housewives of Highland Park.  One of the reasons I will always love Texas and Dallas is that it is next to impossible to out-parody the hilarious reality of the place.  GCB – Check it out.


AT&T Fixed It!!
…. I use AT&T as my Internet provider.  Recently it had gotten sooooo slow I had run out of cusswords to yell as I stared at my screen.  “The AT&T guy” came out yesterday and fixed it.  It is 2012.  Anytime you can solve a problem it is cause to celebrate.


New Audiobooks Report
….. I’ve been into zombies and monsters lately with my audiobooks.  No, not the teeny bopper Twilight stuff but more of the Kolchak vs Undead Terrorists stuff.  Two authors to check out are Larry Correia (Monster Hunters) and Jonathan Maberry (Joe Ledger series).
Imagine Vince Flynn or Brad Thor “special ops” adventures but instead of Islamofascists the Jack Bauer / Mitch Rapp heroes fight George Romero-type ghouls.
The latest Ted Bell “Alex Hawke” adventure – Phantom – is one of Bell’s best.  Yes, they are James Bond knock-offs, so what?

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