Holden Who ???

July11/ 2008

His name is straight from a Faulkner/Salinger novel …. He has the slightly rumpled yet youthful look of a chemistry professor, which he is/was …. He is the first Chancellor of “the flagship” who graduated AFTER MJ hit the jumper. YIKES! UNC ’86) …. Holden Thorp is UNC’s New Chancellor. …. Mel tells you whats what about the latest guy heading to the corner office at South Building ….. A HINT:  Erskine likes him.

    What Holden Thorp is NOT:

(1)   A sorta black guy w/ an odd muslim-esque name

(2)    A life-long socialist who sits down to pee (although he did also spend time at Yale)

(3)    A former POW married to a blond beer heiress

(4)    A former Dem Veep candidate married to an “Elizabeth”.

(5)    A fired nutjob president of William & Mary

(6)    A burly ex-linebacker who bleeds blue

(7)    Related to that Indian athlete, the black PGA golfer, or the comic strip coach.

 Also, he has  ….

(1)   Never had “a relationship” w/ Roger Clemens

(2)    Never wore a Jayhawk sticker on national TV (despite that picture …. hehehehe)

(3)    Never been a client of Jimma Sexton

(4)    Does not have a degree in “organ”

(5)    Does not own stock in a votive candle company

It is NOT true that Johnny Dawkins was UNC’s first choice but Stanford signed him first.   Here’s all you really need to know friends and neighbors.

Erskine likes him a lot !!!

    As long as Erskine Bowles’ office is less than a mile from South Building the institutional persona is not going to radically change.  Now that may be good or bad news depending on how far on the Left or Right edge you reside ideologically.  I am, of course, an ultra right-wing fanatic …. but hard-core Ersky-Liker-a-lot.  If EB had selected Simon, Alvin or Theodore (The Chipmunks) I’d trust EB’s judgement.  In his own words …. “let not your hearts be troubled my friends.”

New Chancellor Thorp is from Fayetteville He is 43 (I have t-shirts older than that!).  He was most recently Dean of UNC’s College of Arts & Sciences (whatever the hell that means ??? but it is a common academic term).  He has actually lived and studied at places not located in Orange County …. unlike a certain much-maligned Director of Athletics. …. in an interview at his unveiling, Holden referred to “a pack of Nabs”.  The look of “whaaaaa” on Meez’ face was classic.

With EB in the Big Boy seat and young Holden as his co-pilot we now have two native sons at the controls.  Contrast that with the Broad – Moeser Era when neither knew Tar Heel was two words or which barbecue was vinegar-based vs tomato-based.  Both EB and young Holden have lived and learned as inquisitive Prodigals …. and THAT is a Very Good Thing !

NOTE:  I take Holden’s youth as a definite sign from Ersky that he, Ersky, intends to be around a while …. at least until Holden’s voice changes and he’s shaving twice/week.

I’ve touched base with my cadre of highly placed insiders within a mile of The Old Water Fountain and all initial reports are positive.  His youth is the primary “yikes” factor.  Most had Holden pegged as a likely candidate next time around.  ….. He has also headed up the Morehead Planetarium so he can run the legendary Zeiss Instrument at faculty picnics if need be.

Before we report on the reactions from the carnival midway crowd …. You mainstreamers can rest easy that

(1)    Hark The Sound is not going to be replaced by Deutschland Uber Alles …. and

(2)    Football is not going to become “a club sport” …. and

(3)    ElRushbo is not going to be UNC’s commencement speaker any time soon.

(4)    Heteros are not going to be required to register and wear those ankle alarms

   NOW …. The responses to The Holden Hire from the Freaks, Geeks, Loonies, Lefties, Lesbos, Mohammed The Not A Terrorist, and N&O Journo-dorks: 

The selection process involved a selection committee composed of responsible adults such as Erskine, Nelson, and Roger plus a table full of assorted yahoos filling the required diversity categories.  Erskine and Nelson and Roger being the only ones who really mattered.  The Albino Dwarf Double Amputee did have a good idea at one meeting …. it was reported.  The very overweight mulatto hermaphrodite w/ the lazy eye did not.

Not one pointy-head from the N&O’s Self-Important Dweeb Team was involved in the selection which was not accidental.  By being totally shut out of the process that gives the Self-Important Journo-dorks on South McDowell Street at least three self-righteously indignant Op/Ed columns on the subject.

Holden is a Caucasian Male who, to the best of our knowledge, prefers the romantic company of the Two X chromosome set.  For you non-geneticists, that means we are sure that Holden Is A Hetero.  That being the case, we can count on the usual self-righteous indignation from the Bi-Trans-Fem-Homo-Lesbo-PuppyDog-Sheep-AfroCentric-Illegal Alien-IslmoNitwit crowd.  It should amount to about a 3-4 day protest in “the Pit” …. depending upon the weather.

I’m certain Holden Thorp has never in his 43 years been so drunk or so stoned to even consider voting Republican.  He likely chokes on his own bile at the words “Jesse Helms”.  The letter “W” has been removed from his blackberry keypad.  He never considered inviting Ann Coulter to the prom.  I take some solace that some things will just always be the way they’ve always been.

The Board Monkeys and Lunatic Fringers will be a tad worried when they learn that Holden is NOT ‘xactly a paint-his-face-blue and set-his-hair-on-fire “real fan” of intercollegiate athletics.  He has some ridiculous notion that athletics is a part of the collegiate environment but not the primo reason it exists.  That might send Jimma Sexton to his rolodex just in case.  We are not implying that Holden Thorp hates the ravenous beast with the voracious appetite known as “big time college sports” but he likely will NOT rubber stamp every monosyllabic knuckle-dragger that shows up looking to showcase himself for a year or so on the way to “the league”.  Butch, Blake & Beav may have to get creative with the Wite-out on those transcripts.  ORW should be fine.   Holden DOES however know that “a football is not round” and that those “jerseys in the rafters” were not just hung up there to air dry.

Holden was a nationally ranked Rubik’s Cube Champion at one point ….. a factoid that might frighten the most cretinous of the lunatic fringe.

We do not know yet if he “claps like a gay seal” but the odds of two of those back-back are pretty long.

It is also our understanding that when the roll is called “up yonder”, Holden’s name may not be on the list.  He has written rather emphatically that he favors Darwinism over King Jimmy’s Genesis.  That will set well with the Franklin Street Anti-Christian crowd but is not likely to mean the end of our Thursday on-campus Bible Study.  

I know for a fact that some of you never trusted me when I kept reassuring you that The Apple-cheeked Fraud From Robbins was NEVER on “the short list” …. But he never was.

But really …. As long as Erskine Bowles is just up the street nothing that really matters to mainstream Old Wellers will radically change.  Don’t be fooled by any hootin’ hollerin’ about this selection.  Consider him like a new point guard with ORW still callin’ the shots.  Erskine Bowles runs UNC …. and THAT is a very good thing!

Welcome Holden Thorp – New Chancellor of “The Flagship” ….. we will have an indelible nickname for Holden in plenty of time for Fall semester.


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