Big Ben & Angry Little Haley ….

April15/ 2000

 I’m sure this is the only column written this week that mentions both Ben Roethlisberger AND Haley Koch.  Ben you know as the Steeler QB with a penchant for lascivious behavior.  “Angry Little Haley” is UNC’s first Morehead Scholar to be arrested.  What’ll you hear what “Angry Little Haley” is saying now!

I have little tolerance for the self-indulgent hedonism practiced by professional athletes (also by professional entertainers, politicians and foreign diplomats!).

Lets take all pro athletes not named Manning, Mauer, Brees or Warner and line them up single file down I-40.  Have them count off by “threes”.  Have all the “twos” step forward.  Gather them up and take them to the edge of that ash-spewing Iceland volcano.

Turn them loose without cellphones or credit cards.  The ones with enough personal gumption to somehow make their way to a designated Wendy’s in Fort Smith, Arkansas get to resume their lives of unbridled self-indulgent hedonism.  The ones who don’t make it back – we’ll consider as “collateral attrition” and move on.  Repeat this process annually.

That said ….. the new standard for interpretation of the NFL’s “personal conduct” clause opens up interesting precedents for Roger Goodell.  I don’t care for Roger.  He revealed himself to be a lying duplicitous weasel in the recent Rush & The Rams brouhaha.  Lying duplicitous weasels, once outed, like rattlesnakes and brown recluse spiders should not be slipped into the sock drawer of anyone you care for.

What exactly has Ben Roethlisberger done?  You may not like him “because”; but what has he actually “done”?  The motorcycle accident ….. a psycho-trollop in Reno tried to extort $$$ in a scam as old as trolloping itself ….. and the recent “whatever happened in Milledgeville”.  “Whatever happened” did not result in any criminal charge against #7.  Does “poor judgement” and being in the wrong place now constitute violation of the “personal conduct” clause ?

ACC historians will recall the case of NCSU receiver Naz Worthen.  Naz was a star player for Dick Sheridan who was involved in a mini-fracus at a Raleigh nightspot.  Sheridan suspended Naz for an entire season for “poor judgement in even being there in the first place”.  I admired Coach Sheridan and his star-blind justice.  Of course, I thought Judge Roy Bean was an effective jurist too.

Big Ben’s Milledgeville Incident had some of the elements of Pacman Jones’ Vegas strip joint episode except no bouncer was paralyzed for life.  AND ….. no charges were filed against Ben.    For Ben to take his posse on a wild night of boozing and groupie groping in Milledgeville was incredibly stoopid.  If “being incredibly stoopid” becomes a reason for suspension in pro sports (and in politics!); multi-game suspensions” will stack up like cordwood.  Many NBA games will become 3 On 3.

Prior to this, the % of miscreants punished by the NFL has been consistent with the ethnic % of the league rosters.  Ergo “more black guys do stoopid stuff because there are many more black guys available to do stoopid stuff”.

Roger Goodell is scared spitless of the NFL Players’ Union and the upcoming contract negotiations.  Coming down hard on Big White Ben will, Roger hopes, balance out Michael Vick, Pacman, Plaxico, et al and add some “diversity” to his suspension balance sheet?

The legendary jock hobby of “cruisin’ for groupies to grope” has taken on a new “edge”.  Will it result in a renewed sense of civil behavior among the “sweatin’ for millions” bunch?  Naaaaaaa.


Chapel Hill has long been noted for two Traditions:

(1)  A severe shortage of parking spaces
A severe abundance of angry junior anarchists

You should recall “Angry Little Haley” from “Tom Tancredo Comes To Campus – Part 1” last year.   Haley Koch is a Morehead Scholar and alumna from Sidwell Friends School in Washington.   “Being a Morehead Scholar” pre-Haley was once the highest academic rank among the Old Well Crowd.  “Being a Sidwell Friends alum” has pretty much always meant one is a very very angry junior anarchist with greatly inflated opinions of one’s rank in the pantheon of halfway decent human beings.

Chelsea Clinton, Algore’s demon seed, and the Obama girls have all been/are students at Sidwell Friends School.  Enough said.

Last Spring “Angry Little Haley” became the first Morehead Scholar to be arrested on campus for bringing dishonor and international embarrassment to the Universiy of The People.  “Angry Little Haley” is gearing up for another round of the same next Monday.

“Tom Tancredo Comes To Campus Part 2” next Monday at the invite of UNC Prez Erskine Bowles and UNC’s Popular Young Chancellor Holden Thorp.  Bowles & Thorp were both mortified by “Angry Little Haley’s” disgraceful behavior along with her mangy cohorts from whatever dopey acronym they are operating under this week.   The top UNC admins apologized for Angry Little Haley’s jackassity.

BobLee’s buddies Bowles & Thorp were the first UNC admins to ever take a stand on behalf of Conservative speakers who have been persecuted during their UNC appearances.   In doing so, they were not advocating Tancredo viewpoints but rather his right to express those views in an arena of civility.  Seems logical what with all the pontificating about “free speech and diversity of thought” that gets lip service from the faculty snoots and tenured senior anarchists.

….. “Angry Little Haley” will have none of that.  On Wednesday, to a salivating local media, Angry little Haley” declared: “The university has made it very clear what side it’s on,” she said. “It’s on the side of white supremacy.” …… YEEEEE HA!

“The University …. is on the side of white supremacy!”

A sophomore from Lillington, walking by that little cemetery across from Carmichael, reported that both Frank Porter Graham and Charles Kuralt’s ghosts rose from their graves ….. turned three somersaults and bit the heads off of two gray squirrels quietly feeding nearby.

UNC historians dove into their archives to see if anyone (including coaches and student-athletes) had ever said anything so incredibly stoopid.  In a rare show of unanimity, all agreed that “Angry Little Haley” Koch, on April 21, 2010, uttered THE #1 STOOPIDEST QUOTE in UNC’s 200+ years of existence.  The staff at Sidwell must be soooo proud.

If you are interested, stoopid quote #3 belongs to former Chancellor Moeser.   That one where he said Mohammed The Very Mad Muslim was distraught and just letting off a little steam when he drove his very mad SUV through The Pit.  Where’s my votive candle? 

#2 Stoopidest Quote is left vacant for whatever Mean Gene Nichol or Bart Ehrman might say next.

Stoopid bloviations by very angry pseudo-intellectuals is as much a Carolina tradition as beating Clemson at home in basketball.  I know what you’re thinking.  What about Makhtar Ndiaye?  His quotes are #9 and #17.


“Big Ben” Roethlisberger the self-indulgent hedonist jock ….. and “Angry Little Haley” the profanity-spewing junior anarchist ….. at the end of the day not much merit to either one.  At least Big Ben was won two Super Bowls.

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