What We’re Hearing

January18/ 2000

… Who is “In The Know” on the next coach?  … These are the current “hot topics” wherever you go..  (1) Will North Korea nuke the entire Eastern Seaboard or just Delaware? … and  (2) Who will Mike Paulus pick for UNC’s next football coach?…  BobLee does not have the definitive answers to either (but Rhode Island seems more likely than Delaware.)  As for the other ..… BobLee does know who does know.

The Two guys who REALLY KNOW  “SluggoDaHeel” on CarolinaBlue and “Eugene5476856” on TheTarPit.  Alas, for the time being … “Sluggo” has the mumps and his mom has confiscated his mouse.  And as for “Eugene” … well, “Eugene” has gotten the zipper on his straight jacket caught in his pubic hair (again!).  Attendants at “the home” have been dispatched to find a pair of vice grips to free the all-knowing cyber seer.  Either or both should be back in action shortly.  Until then all frantic fans are advised to “sit on their thumbs and spin”.

Go figure … People who profess zero faith in Dickie Baddour (basically all of humanity not blood-related to Dickie excluding his Cousin Shirley!) seem to have odd reactions to any/every word that the diminutive AD supposedly says in these firestorm situations.  If he supposedly says something one agrees with he is said to be “finally getting it right”.  If he supposedly says something one disagrees with he is said to be “still bent on destroying “the University””.

On Tuesday night, Dickie called the Rosemary Street Papa John’s and ordered “a large pepperoni with extra Kragthorpe”.  There ensued a 26 car pile-up on 15-501.  All 26 drivers were carrying Bosley Allen drivers licenses.  Mike Nifong is investigating.

Dickie has supposedly boasted that he (Dickie) will make “the final decision” after consulting with “The Meez” and “some other people”.  For some reason this did not go down well across Tar Heelia.  Most Tar Heel fans were hoping for something to the effect of “HELP … I’ve fallen into a another fine mess and can’t get out … glub glub glub.”  Actually that was exactly what Dickie WAS saying if one can decipher Baddourian dialect.

NOTE:  Do Tar Heels REALLY want “a guy named CHUCK selecting their next coach?  Yikes!

For the record … Dickie’s public mention of Chuck Neinas’ involvement was a bit unorthodox.  If one hires an assassin to kill an evil warlord, one does not go on TV and say “I’ve hired Carlos The Jackel to shoot somebody”.  By outing Neinas, Dickie limited Neinas’ effectiveness by 50% but improved his own life expectancy to “at least 3 days after a new coach is hired”.  Yes, Neinas was one pair of “the capable hands” that BobLee has referred to.  Unlike Dickie, I preferred to keep Chuck at full effectiveness. Oh, well.

Neinas will supply Dickie with 2-4 names of legitimate pre-screened candidates.  Any one of whom would be acceptable to at least 32% of the UNC fan base which is more than any prior coach since Carl Snavely.  That list will magically get to those aforementioned “some other people” on the “not a formal search committee”.  “Some of those other people” will meet some or all of Chuck’s 2-4 candidates and “recommend” their choice to Dickie.  Dickie will agree … then Dickie will get to actually meet the candidate.

I know what you’re thinking … what about “Meezie?”.  Not to worry, until the new coach signs his multi-year commitment, he will be told “our Chancellor is in Iceland setting up a satellite campus” and he will be shown a picture of Tom Brokaw and told that it is Meezie.  You feel better already don’t you?  I told you all this was “in capable hands”.

Before we set forth into this very very strange period known as “Burly John’s Lame Duck Mini-Season” I, for one, formally lament the approaching end to the Burly John Chuckles Show”.  Never in the 50+ years of The ACC have NCSU and UNC had simultaneously two head coaches so similar yet different yet both so easily lampoonable.

   Both former linebackers 

Both prodigal sons returning “home”…

Both bleeding their respective team color …

Neither having any experience whatsoever as the CEO of a Div 1-A football program …

Both having distinctive physical features that cartoonists pray for … 

Both apparently unaware of the inherent dangers of live microphones and tape recorders 

Both linked one to the other like Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier running from the bloodhounds in The Defiant Ones.

For the past six years any discussion of one automatically contained the phrase “but at least he’s not (the other one)”.  

For sheer entertainment value, Burly John Chuckles” definitely beat Dean v K, Dean v Jimmy or Frank v Everett.  The only combo that comes close is Dickie v Tar Heel Nation.

What to expect this Saturday?  Beats me!  No one seems to know.  I’m hoping its “Hats & Horns & Trickerooskis – Everybody GO LONG” … however … if all the UNC assistants are calling in sick while they frantically work the phones for jobs, we could have the equivalent of “the 10-run rule” at the half.  BobLee is recommending extra tailgate food, plenty of strong spirits, and good binoculars to check out those cutie cheerleader abs if the game gets really scary.

To show your support … when the Tar Heels come out of the tunnel, lets have everyone on the South Side yell “GO” and the North Side yell “LONG”.  Maybe Frank will get the message.

NOTE:  John is indicating he will not deviate from the current game strategy … in other words, bring binoculars and check out the cheerleaders.

A Hot Shot Coordinator du jour’s name that keeps coming up is “Jimbo” Fisher at LSU.  Could UNC be so blessed to have an AD named “Dickie” and a Head Football Coach named “Jimbo”.  Let’s bring back Dean of Women “Kitty” Carmichael and hire “Lumpy” Rutherford as Chancellor.  BobLee will NEVER run out of material … NEVER … NEVER.

The latest Messianic Savior of Tar Heel Football is supposedly Mike Paulus, brother of the Duke guy with the broken foot.  “Supposedly” Mike and Dickie have talked recently.  Uh oh … Supposedly Mike said something pretty silly relative to his importance to the future of The University of North Carolina.  Fear not fretting Tar Heels …

 Top Five Reasons UNC Will Survive 

With/Without Mike Paulus …

 #5 … Dickie & Meez has been a duo for 9 years … UNC has survived That!

#4 … They took the “peeing walls” out of Kenan.  We learned to use urinals (most of us anyway)

#3 … Dean is still in the basement if “a savior” is really needed.

#2 … Jeff’s closed … Frat boys found alternative sources of porn and cherry cokes.

#1 … UNC survived Tom McMillan’s mother … NOTHING will ever top THAT

Our column on “peer management” generated over 70 e-mails from other self-described “really lousy managers”.  There is significant interest to form a support group – ISAMOT (I Suck At Managing Others Too).  The potential membership is billions and billions … among government workers alone.  Once we can agree on a logo we will have our first meeting.  Determining who will be “in charge” looms as a real problem.

    Say good night BobLee …


 What kind of old dinosaur does Maurice “Mo” Koury remind you of?  Sinking in a quicksand bog but still bellowing “I’m Mo Koury and I’m still relevant … aren’t I?”

   Extra credit for UNCers Only: Does State even play this week, and, if so, Who?


 Why is Dickie being allowed to pretend he is “in charge”?

(1)   Its Halloween and Dickie always wanted to be Alexander Haig.

(2)   There is reluctance at institutions such as UNC to allow public humiliation of goofy senior officials.  The concern is in setting a precedent that could get quite prevalent very quickly.  The Guys @ SwaggerSays appreciate all that but still wish JUST THIS ONCE …

 The Porthole was destroyed by “progress” about 20 years ago.  Speaking of Franklin Street institutions … when The Rat started using coed wait staff it was a sure sign of the Apocalypse.  Make peace with your deity of choice ASAP.

   Carl “Alfalfa” Switzer played “Angus” in The Defiant Ones.

   Speculation over John Bunting’s next position include … UNC AD … LB coach for Barcelona Dragons … Head of Vascular Surgery @ UNC Hospitals … Bouncer at Thee Doll House … Durham County District Attorney … SpokesExCoach for Crossroads Ford.   

    Want to e-mail BobLee?

[email protected]

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