Horseshoes, Hand Grenades and another Heartache

January18/ 2000

… Because of all the prior week’s hubbub, the normal sting of yet another Joe Dailey laser-guided sternum cracker was muted “amid the tall pines and lengthening shadows late on an Autumn Saturday” in Kenan.  The 2006 Tar Heels did as their embattled coach had predicted  – “continue to do what we have been doing all season”-  thud, clank, oops. ….A surprisingly abundant  and tolerant live audience mumbled their new mantra … “What about Butch? … “Whats a Kragthorpe?” … “Baddour is an idiot” … “Dontchaknow the Wuffies are pissed.” …  “Are you taking that train to South Bend?”

.  If Joe Dailey had not drilled Abbate in the chest with that end zone pass, and some how we had scored … I think John would have “gone for two” and the W.  We would have missed it, but it would have been a significant gesture and darn fine theater.

Did Coach Grobe really say … “Maybe God is, or is not, a Tar Heel but I know for a fact that Replay Official is a Baptist!” … I bet he is.  I don’t care what it costs; I want Jim Knight on the field for the State game on Nov 18.


   BobLee arrived on the hallowed campus around noon.  I had several appointments scheduled with various local cognoscenti.  Several of us “in the know” types had decided to compare WARs (that’s “Wild Ass Rumors”).  In times like these, WARs are like toadstools after a summer shower … everywhere you look they are popping up.

All of us agree on the #1 WAR and gut-wrenching fear gripping the Tar Heel Nation.  IS THAT DUFFUS BADDOUR REALLY IN CHARGE?  That answer is easy – Nope.  “That Damn Dickie Baddour” (TDDB) is playing Teddy Ruxpin this time around.  He is pre-programmed and speaks only when his string is pulled by those who pull strings.

Ye Olde UNC is just a tad “image-conscious” … just a wee bit.  Which is like saying “Shania Twain is sorta pretty.”  As we noted in our last column … if UNC started throwing all its clueless senior staffers “under the bus” there would be a lot of bumpy bus rides around Chapel Hill.

The reason it must appear that TDDB is still in charge of finding a new football coach is the same reason you’re not suppose to tear that tag off your mattress.  And we all know the reason for that … don’t we?

We have confirmed FOR SURE that there IS a “Thank The Lord” clause in TDDB’s current contract … it states on page 4 … paragraph 6:

“Dickie” shall be expressly forbidden from the following activities thru the duration of this contract and for a minimum of 17 years following his retirement.  Those forbidden activities being:

1.      Having a vote in any FB or BB coach hirings

2.      Playing with sharp-pointed scissors

3.      Driving any automobile in which Ol’ Roy Williams or Tyler Hansbrough are passengers.

Now, as 1,000s of SSays readers breathe a collective sigh of relief, please remember that 100s of universities have hired, fired, hired another, fired another coach, ad infinitum and all without TDDB being involved.  Ergo … The absence of TDDB’s magic touch does NOT insure that ButchKragthorpeJimboJohnson will (1) be hired …. or (2) be successful.  All it does mean is that when everyone blames TDDB anyway, they will be incorrect … which should not,and will not, deter 99% of Carolina fans from indeed blaming TDDB.  Like The Masters … “it’s a tradition like no other”

OK … Who will be “the new coach”?  No one knows at this point.  “Mo” doesn’t know (but it won’t be Jim Donnan so Mo is pissed again) … BobLee does not know (but my personal choice is Paul Johnson) … Dave Glenn doesn’t know … Lee Pace doesn’t know … Caulton Tudor doesn’t know … guys named “Eddy” don’t know … the best that real “insiders” can figure it is as BLS said in that last column. … “SluggoDaHeel” and “Eugene435678” are the only ones who REALLY know and they are hiding in the bushes outside Meezie’ office channeling Chuck Neinas thru their tin foil hats.

 It probably will NOT be Butch … it still “might be” Butch … but it probably won’t be Butch.   Before it is announced that FOR SURE it won’t be Butch, TDDB will be sequestered in a secret closet “deep in the bowels of Venable Hall” with a case of raisins and some Sunny Delite.  Actuaries have calculated that TDDB’s life expectancy will be “nil” once the “it won’t be Butch” announcement is made.

You know its “unusual times” in Chapel Hill when the Tar Heels lose to Wake Forest and the most overhead post-game comment was “well, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be” … Thank God Choo Choo is not alive to hear that.  BobLee had been hearing reports of a quite odious smell fermenting inside Kenan Football Center … the putrid odor of blatant staff insubordination and even a possible sabotaging of “Burly John’s Lame Duck Mini-Season”.  We had heard bits and pieces of such for a while … and it may still boil over but if we can hang on until November 26 maybe we will avoid at least one more embarrassment.

It’s sure “comforting” to know that TDDB is personally holding Mike Paulus’ hand until then … oh yeah … “comforting”.  I wonder what it would be like to have TDDB hold your hand for a month even figuratively.

 Ringy dingy … 

“Hello” …

    Hi, Mrs Paulus, this is That Damn Dickie Baddour, can I speak to Mike?” … 

   “Sure, just a minute  … Mike, honey, it’s That Damn Dickie Baddour AGAIN!” … 

   “Mom, he’s creepy, tell him I’m busy praying with Coach Richt” … 

   “Honey, I can’t tell him that.  He might cry.” … 

   “OK,  Hello … 

   “Hi. Mike, I just wanted you to know ‘the sleeping giant’ is still dreaming about you coming here, waking us up and leading us to BCS Heaven” … 

   “You WHAT?” … 

   “Nevermind, it’s a local joke.  Did you see we almost beat Wake Forest?  Joe Dailey hit another white jersey dead center.  Coach Cignetti has really improved his accuracy. Imagine what he can do for you?” … 

   “You are creepy.  Would you do me a favor?” … 

   “Golly yes, ANYTHING!” … 

   “Tell Coach Cignetti, Coach Weber, and Coach Brock that I’m pitching that package deal we discussed to Syracuse and there’s definite interest.  The fact that UNC will still be paying their salaries anyway makes it a no-brainer.” … 

   “Sure, I’ll tell’em that.  By the way, I’m sending you a football autographed by all the former UNC quarterbacks who have played in the NFL.  … 

   “Er, uh, yeah , ok, sure, swell.  Listen Mr Baddour, I got a lot of studying to do. I really gotta go.”  …

   “Oh sure, emphasize those academics.  That’s what we like to hear. Wait til I tell Lissa Broome over at the Law School. She’ll be thrilled. One more thing Mike … Mike? … Mike? I guess he hung up.  I wonder what he meant about that “package deal”?  Wow, this recruiting stuff is fun.  Maybe I can help Roy too!


    Meanwhile up in Hooville, A Triangle-based team finally scored on algroh’s gridiron warriors.  Alas, only seven points.  UVa AD Craig “Lifetime Contracts” Littlepage is petitioning Little Johnny Swofford to let the Cavaliers play “those Triangle doormats” twice each year instead of venturing east of I-95 where it gets tougher.

Wuffs in a for real quandry.  When you hear “Bring back Red Zone Mazzone” you know its getting scary.   Talk of conspiracies abound … UNC gets to fire their coach but NCSU forced to keep theirs.  Damn you Erskine Bowles … Damn you!

Don’t blame Erskine for this one.  This one has roots in Bristol CT.  ESPN has notified Miles Brand at NCAA that the thought of TDDB AND Lee Fowler BOTH conducting major coaching searches at the same time would produce “smart ass comment overload” for their Gameday anchors.  Lee Corso would dress up like Jed Clampett and Herbie would be a very confused chipmunk…. Chris Fowler would poke himself in the eye with a stick to stop laughing while two cheerleaders in the background hold up signs saying “The Sleeping Giant” and “College Football’s Next SuperPower”.

    In times like this one can only turn to “the Big Guy” Arthur Carlson of WKRP in Cincinnati …

 “As God is my witness, I thought Turkeys could fly!”


 In which states were the following western towns located … Deadwood, Virginia City, Tombstone, Dodge City?


    Who says Tar Heel fans are not resourceful?  The “Shadow of The Bell Tower” Gang refutes that.  Somehow TDDB caused Brad to misplace the grill to his grill so Eric, Deems and I ripped limbs off of trees around Wilson Library to form weenie roast sticks and had a fine time as always.  Oops, maybe I shouldn’t oughta said that part about “ripping limbs off trees”.  Forget that part.  . …… in South Bend, maybe we will toast marshmallows over Knute Rockne’s grave. …. Hark The Sound y’all

  Just supppose … Joe Dailey sends John Bunting a Christmas Card … “Dear Coach; Hope all is well.  Guess what?  I had an eye exam other day … and I’m totally color blind.  Isn’t that a hoot?  Thanks again for letting me transfer from Nebraska.  Best Wishes, Joe.

   The Guys are booking BobLee for Holiday events … civic clubs, sports clubs, et al.  No Profanity … No Politics (really!) … Contact The Guys for details and availability.  BobLee will be at Sanford Rotary this Tuesday.

   Want to e-mail Swagger?

[email protected]

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