Bloody Movies & Bloody Marys

BobLee
January18/ 2000

… This is one of our famous “potpourri columns” about several otherwise unconnected subjects …. I went to see APOCALYPTO this weekend…. I came out with no lingering fear of marauding Mayans but it ain’t Mary Poppins…. BobLee offers a KENAN GAMEDAY EXPERIENCE update (the “Bloody Mary” in the title!)….  A few more words on “Semper Fi” and some thoughts on The Pale Rider’s posse.

Did you like Lonesome Dove?  Was it “too violent” for you?  How about “A Man Called Horse”?  Did you like Braveheart and/or The Patriot?  Were either of those “too violent” for you?  If you liked those movies with their realistic portrayal of times in history when life was not as precious as we like to think it is today, then I think you will enjoy Mel Gibson’s latest APOCALYPTO.

If you refuse to see it because Mel Gibson got stopped for DUI at 2 in the morning and, in a drunken stupor, said some stoopid crap to a policeman by the side of the road, then stay home … and let the drive-by media and the Hollyweird hypocrites tell you what to think.  Enough about that … lets get to the beheading and exposed entrails part.

A friend of ours had a personal screening of Apocalypto early last week with the aforementioned Mr. Gibson hisownself.  His advice to Mizzus Swagger was it is “probably too violent for your taste”.  That was incentive enough for us to go Saturday night.

Twenty five years ago I read the book Aztec, historical fiction about the final days of Montezuma’s empire.  I still remember some of the more graphic passages in the book.  For all their “advanced civilization” stuff, the major “indigenous tribes” of Central America were quite blood thirsty sumbitches.  I knew what to expect in this movie.

This story takes place in Central America in the 16th century just before the Spanish conquistadors arrived to “save the Indians”, “steal their gold”, and “slaughter all the saved Indians”.  All the dialogue is in a native dialect with subtitles but don’t let that be a factor in seeing it or not.  When a guy is getting stabbed, gutted, and beheaded whatever is being said is pretty incidental.

The comparisons to Lonesome Dove occurred to me early on.  Yes, Lonesome Dove was a great “buddy movie” and “Old West like it probably really was” without “singing cowboys” and pearl-handled six-shooters.  It was also Blue Duck and lots of characters you liked dying in pretty gruesome fashion … Danny Glover, Bob Urich, et al.

For “yuck factor” the final scene in Braveheart rates high … and stuff in The Patriot too.  Going back to his Mad Max days, Mel Gibson movies tend to be “gory” but not “scary”.  “Scary” is The Shining, Psycho, Jaws, The Exorcist and any movie involving a babysitter or a summer camp or “a Count”.

For years I’ve asked “guys my age” about movies that they sort of wish they had never seen because of scenes they wish they could forget.  The movie that gets mentioned the most is Deliverance.  Ned Beatty has done 100+ films.  Which one will be mentioned first in his obituary?

Deliverance, Psycho, and Jaws COULD maybe “really happen” to you or your family.  Even Texas Chainsaw Massacre could maybe happen if a dozen bottom-feeder fans got hold of a leather mask and a Poulan. …. The odds of a war party of Mayans invading your cul-de-sac at dawn and carrying you off to be sacrificed is about as likely as, oh lets say, Wake Forest winning the ACC and going to The Orange Bowl. ….. oops, better check the dead bolt on the patio door tonight.

If you can handle the blood and gore on this website, you can handle Apocalypto.  The really “yucky” stuff is pretty easy to anticipate and you can put your hands over your eyes (and peek thru your fingers, like Mizzus Swagger did!).

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    We mentioned a week or so ago that The Kenan Gameday Experience was being tweaked in what most Carolina fans will hail as a positive fashion.  “Most” do not include loonies who never hail anything in a positive fashion.

I am not going to unveil any of the “tweaks” today because it is not my place to do so but “tweaking” is well underway.  The pre-tweaking began in what UNC historians generally refer to as “when Norwood was around”.  It has accelerated under “The Steiny Regime”.  BLS has been an extremely underpaid consultant from the beginning.  Chuck Neinas gets $35K for one freakin’ phone call … I get a pecan waffle at Breadman’s.

As UNC Athletic Dept admins, South Building facu-squirrels, and Chapel Hill’s notoriously dysfunctional civic dingbats gather to determine “the earth is flat” and “man will never fly”, BobLee hereby sounds the clarion call of the optimistic prophet.  Some noticeable positive changes will be in place by next September.

Please note that as UNC sincerely addresses how to enhance this much maligned aspect of UNC Football, several other Div 1-A institutions are dealing with significant “issues” of their Gamedays getting out-of-control.  Both Blacksburg VA and Athens GA are dealing with “alcohol” and fan behavior” issues; and are having to invoke new “restrictive policies”.  Neither school has contacted Tom Stafford for his suggestions, but VaTech is considering a version of “The Stafford Plan”.

SSays regulars recall in my epic F-Bomb Alley treatise, I warned “this is a societal issue MUCH bigger than a few Wolfpack hooligans needing to be exiled to a Cool Hand Luke prison farm”.  Other than Morgantown WV which many consider WORSE than a Cool Hand Luke prison farm, college football officials across America are concerned about the increasing issue of hooligans and alcohol-fueled jackasses out to really mess up Gamedays everywhere. …. Except in Morgantown where couch-burning is as accepted as marrying your daddy’s daughter.

Somewhere between hooligans and trial lawyers eager to sue large state universities, there is an ever-shrinking world where decent people can gather and enjoy themselves while behaving themselves and respecting the rights of others to do likewise. UNC officials are actively seeking that mythical world.

In the meantime, we recommend you totally ignore threads on the above subject that always begin “Baddour is an idiot and here’s what those morons should do ………..”.  That was one of my first recommendations in exchange for the pecan waffle.  I had a bunch of others too. …… 90% of the bitching about Kenan Gameday is “urban legend crap”.   The other 10% is quite fixable.  Stay tuned.

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    Thanks for all your suggestions for the OFFICIAL bobleesays.com nickname for new NCSU Football coach Tom O’Brien.  We have decided on “Semper Fi” as his US Marine background will surely influence how he runs Wolfpack football.  So it will be The Pale Rider vs Semper Fi.

We have also decided on a new nickname for our friends in the cyber asylums.  Henceforth those lovable creatures shall be referred to as “Shineolas”.  Because … well you know, because “they don’t know ….”.

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    While Semper Fi will likely bring most of his BC staff with him after their bowl game, The Pale Rider continues to round up his posse.  The process by which Butch is doing it is making total sense from an executive management standpoint … which means the Shineolas are going nutzo about the whole thing.

Burly John “knew” ONE man on his original staff … if you consider “played beside him 25 years ago” as “knew”.  Other than James Webster NOT ONE of John’s assistants in 2001 had ever known him before he joined him.  The only thing they had in common was they were all “football coaches”.  “Staff problems” plagued John for six years … duh!

Imagine Neal Armstrong climbing into his Apollo capsule … “Hi, I’m Neal”.  “Hi Neal, I’m Buzz, that guy over there is Michael” …. 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … BLAST OFF!

“Coaching football” isn’t nearly as complicated as being an astronaut.  To quote “Rosemary’s Other Baby” and Chevrolet pitchman, Michael Krzyzewski, it’s a lot about relationships.  Please don’t get all torqued about where Butch is getting his guys.  “Fresno State … OH NO!” Where they are “at” is 100% irrelevant.  That Butch knows each one of them and how they will FIT into place in his staff is all that matters. 

Butch doesn’t have time to deal with “problem kids” OR “problem coaches”.  To learn in six months that Assistant So & So (from “a big name school” … oooh, ahhh!) is … an alcoholic … a philanderer …  a thief … a procrastinator … an alibi-Ike … a malcontent … a potty-mouth … a druggie … a homophobe … a rogue … a loose cannon … a know-it-all … etc … etc.

Remember Yul Brynner assembling The Magnificent Seven.  Each man filled a need in the team.  Yul knew each man’s role … Yul had a plan, Butch has a plan … just like Ol’ Roy has a plan.

   How many Shineolas would hire Jared Haase or CB McGrath or rehire Steve Robinson?  Who do you trust? …. Butch Davis, Roy Williams or a sack of Shineolas many of whom don’t even have a full growth of pubic hair yet.

   Trust The Pale Rider.

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 Who was NOT one of The Magnificent Seven … Josh Randall, Derek Flint, Jim Rockford, Napoleon Solo, or Paul Kersey …?  …. Ooooh, I LOVE this question!

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    The party” was a Super Bowl pizza party several days before signing day attended by A.J. Davis and members of the Wolfpack football team.  State fans said “so what” … UNC fans screamed “Death Penalty” … the truth, as always, was “somewhere in between”.

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   BobLee’s Platinum Pals Club… There IS a world beyond SwaggerSays.  Every so often BLS sends out special secret messages to “the 3rd ring of The Inner Circle”.  This is cool stuff that (1) is NOT “political” … (2) not porno … (3) just not right for a column.  BobLee’s goal of World Domination necessitates we expand “the 3rd ring of The Inner Circle” so we can qualify for diplomatic status and can double park the F-150 outside the United Nations building.  

   If you would like to join BobLee’s Platinum Pals Club just e-mail us and say “Let me in”.   We don’t care about your politics or fan allegiance or which is your favorite Bond girl.  If you want in on BLS’s previously secret e-mail messages … the magic portal is now open.  If we charged you what this is worth, only Rick Martinez, “Boots” and Little Ricky could afford it so we won’t even bother.  Just e-mail TheGuys and say “Let me in”.

 Just a thought … is anyone keeping track of when Philip Rivers might pass Scott Stankavage’s career NFL stats? … ouch! … That’s kinda gotten lost in the Bob Knight v Dean thing.

   Duke’s little “students play at government” club voted not to let UNC students enrolled at Duke (why?) get BB tickets.  Also, The Hansbrough Hottie has been banned under the “too pretty and might intimidate Duke coeds” rule.

   Mad Mo “Not A Terrorist … Just A Really Bad Driver” will enter a plea on Tuesday.  Votive candles are on sale 3 for $1 at the Eckerd’s at Eastgate.

E-mail BobLee at … [email protected]

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