8,000,000,000 Chinese Fools

January18/ 2000

… must have read our last column.   Lordy, that little missive made it around the world twice before the sun came up Monday morning and we got our first threatening e-mail from a CaroLoon.  How do we follow that one?  So “Know-It-All Swagger” is The Man with all the answers, huh?  …. In the Land Of The Blind, the One-Eyed Man is King! …. Yes, we talk about “The Brawl In The OB”.

The first KIA casualty of the Carolina Football Dilemma occurred early Monday morning.  “DERF” … Legendary message board Loon (and longtime loyal SSays reader and BLS Buddy) was BANNED from TheTarPit for “vicious personal attacks on fellow loons”.  DERF’s well-known loyalty to John Bunting found him outnumbered by a goggle-eyed gang of “at least 100” TarPit crazies.  The valiant Tar Heel warrior took a bunch of’em down before he was taken out by an over zealous mod’s zapper.   BobLee offered to write a letter on DERF’s behalf to Billy “Buck” Sanders seeking reinstatement but DERF has wisely decided to mend his slothful ways and try to make a legitimate contribution to society.

He will be helping out at the Guilford County soup kitchen on alternate Thursdays.  DERF invites all his former board buddies to come by for a bowl of chicken noodle and a biscuit.


   To all our loyal SSays subscribers and to you quite angry “drive-bys” … and all our new Chinese fans on the upper tributaries of the Yangtze River ………

   You are in a snit about Carolina Football?  Everyone connected to Carolina Football is in that snit with you.   I wish I could have my hometown hottie Jaime Pressley (aka Earl’s ex “Joy”), drop by and tuck each of you in for a nice six week nap.  When you awoke all this sturm and drang would be over.  Ol’ Roy, Tyler and Friends would be rompin’ and stompin, that North Korean nut with the nukes would be “dealt with”, and season six of “24” would be just two months away.  I can’t do that … but I am going to do the next best thing.


    Whenever a large segment of the general public fixates on an issue (be it sports, politics, business, etc) what quickly emerges is an “obvious” and simplistic solution “that any fool can plainly see”.  The more “obvious” and simplistic that solution as viewed by the clear seeing fools, the greater the urgency for decidedly “non-fools” to take charge of the issue at hand.”      – BL Swagger (Oct ’06)


   For what it’s worth (and it is worth quite a lot) … the current dilemma with Carolina Football “is in very capable hands”.  That is all I can really say at this time.  The timing, six weeks left in the season, is a problem only solved by time itself.   What, if anything, happens in the very near future is “fluid”.  Yes, there are 3-4 “options” that all have precedents in similar situations at other schools in recent years.  Each of those options creates additional complications.

Again, the situation is “in capable hands”.  I was given that assurance within the past 48 hours and I take comfort in that knowledge.  Many of you cannot believe that because YOU DO NOT TRUST ANYONE AT UNC.  Does it surprise you that I DO?  Not many mind you, but in this case, I have total confidence that the long range future of Carolina Football is “in capable hands”.

Look … BobLee, and everyone else connected with UNC, knows exactly what every Tar Heel fan’s greatest fear is as all this plays out over the next two months.  Duh!  All I can say is … it is all in very capable hands.  (And I don’t mean “Panxutawny Mo” from Burlington … bless his heart!)

How the “future” will be specifically orchestrated probably will not satisfy that fan faction who has knee-jerk solutions to every situation on earth for which they have no responsibility.  Those folks do not have responsibility over really important stuff for a reason. This applies especially to all the fuzzy-cheeked geniuses born after 1985 and to anyone over 30 still living with Mom and Dad.

Continue to wake up each morning expecting some great cataclysmic announcement and you will likely be disappointed for a while yet (or maybe not!).   As for “the rest of the season” … I will be at every game including Notre Dame enjoying the fellowship of friends and “the color and pageantry”.  If you choose to boycott the games, that’s your choice.  If you choose to wear a paper bag and/or yell dumb crap at John or Dickie, that’s your choice too.  Just realize that every Wuff, Deacon and even Dookie will be laughing AT you in your silly little protest.  Whatever … the future of Carolina Football IS in very capable hands. …. which is more than anyone is saying about the future of Miami Football.


    Well well … how is Little Johnny $wofford’s “New ACC” looking today?

VaTech continues to have the same “issues” it has had since Frank Beamer built a  “top twenty program”.  At least Frank actually seems contrite these days.  On the positive side … VaTech has a GREAT FAN FOLLOWING both home and away.   But VaTech is not the #1 headline in sports today is it?

The surprise among the national sports media to the “Brawl In The OB” is that no one seems surprised at all.  If all this was simply a throwback to the camo and fatiques of Vinnie Testaverde’s day it would be unfair criticism.  I would even cut them slack if all I could dredge up was Larry Coker recruiting Willie Williams w/ 13 “priors”.  But when these thugs have embarrassed the ACC in three of their last seven games (Peach Bowl brawl after being whupped by LSU and stomping Louisville logo before being whupped by Louisville just four weeks ago) you would think some serious repercussions might be in order.  “Being suspended for the Duke game” ranks behind “go to bed without dessert” and “not getting to see the pre-game porno flick”.

It was pure coincidence that Duke is Miami’s next game but more creative punishment is called for.

First … that idiot Lamar Thomas should be gutted, stuffed in a garbage bag and dragged behind a cigarette boat to Key West and back.  If he survives that then recreate that scene from Scarface.  You know, the one with the chainsaw in the bathtub.

Second … “Uncle Fester” his own pitiful self … Fire his pathetic butt after he cleans the floor of every restroom on South Beach with a toothbrush … on a Saturday night.

   Third … the Hurricane team … line’em up across the Orange Bowl’s 50 yd line.  Have’em count off by threes.  Castrate all the twos.  Use the same chainsaw used on Lamar Thomas.  Have Horatio Caine’s CSI team oversee the procedure.

Fourth … Miami’s core fan base … 16,274 drugged-up thrillseeking parolees.  Move’em out of the OB and play their games in the parking lot at Killian High School.

Spare me yadda yadda about Clemson & USoCar.  That was bad and they forfeited bowl trips.  “Missing the Duke game” somehow doesn’t equate.  95% of Duke students, alumni and faculty “miss EVERY Duke game” and they were not in any brawl.

Miami flaunts their street thug image … always has … apparently will continue to.  Probably very unfair to the University itself and 99% of the student body.  Spare me yadda yadda about FIU “starting it”.  The FIU thugs were all high school thug buddies of the U of M thugs.  Same species, different uniforms. Crips and Bloods!

Mark it down … there will be another incident before the season is over.  There will always be “another” incident with Miami … it’s who they are.  Until Little Johnny and the NCAA send a HazMat crew into Coral Gables to disinfect the whole festering mess.


    Assuming most of you saw “Kim/Nikki/Ho#2” on 60 Minutes on Sunday.  Her uttering the phrase “… little dick white boy” was a first for CBS.  Wonder if it made Katie Couric blush?  Stick a fork in Mikey Nifong and lets all move on.   The next job for Nifong will be shoeshine boy for Malik Zulu Shabazz.


    With all this new exposure for SSays, of course, comes “criticism”.  Alas, BobLee is not universally loved!!  Maybe for the Wake game I’ll get Big Bobby, CokeDaddy and Swampy to dress up like County Mounties and escort me around campus? … with six giant Nubians carrying me in a sedan chair … and a dozen Tri Delts in diaphanous gowns sprinkling rose petals in our path ???  I’m waaaay behind Dickie in “detractors”.  Got a lot of catching up to do.


What does “Scarface” have in common with a former 49er?


   Rick Dees is a UNC PiKA (’72) from Greensboro who became a quite famous LA DJ.  Little Ricky Packard taught him all he knows including being the inspiration for Disco Duck.

   Those of you hoping Lou Pinella would be UNC’s next FB coach … YOU LOSE.  Lou is going to the Cubs.

   Want to know how to best pass the time at the remaining UNC FB games.  General Bill, Dusty and I like to check out the “abs” on cutie cheerleaders.  Counting a hottie’s “six pack” from the upper deck without binoculars is an art.

Want to e-mail BobLee? See below … 

   Want to kick the arrogant sumbitch’s butt?  Take a #.

[email protected]

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x