Boise, Mississippi, and Toledo … The Swagger Express continues to be a moving target. We have truly become a “HomogeNation” when Boise ID, Jackson MS and Toledo OH all start looking alike AND we hear silly coach talk from goofy fans wherever we go. There is something disquietly calming about it all. Two simultaneous Spurrier Sightings highlight another week. Lydia predicts Week 5 (big deal – she picks Tigers over Dawgs)
I was standing on the first tee at Annandale Country Club in Jackson MS and who walks up? The only fellow from Yazoo City Mississippi NOT named Jerry Clower that you’ve ever heard of – Haley Barbour! Haley is now the Governor of Mississippi but is better known as the RNC Poobah during Bob Dole’s ’96 campaign versus The Man From Hope. Which is a resume killer along with Head Iceberg Spotter on the Titanic.
If Hollywood ever does the Life & Times of Raleigh “gadfly” Bernie Reeves, Haley will play the lead role. Me and Haley chatted for a few minutes about campaign strategies. The Dems are busy as usual registering tombstones and trying to get Haiti confirmed as the 51st state. Governor Barbour and I reaffirmed our simple credo of “Vote Early & Vote Often”. He asked me about Raleighite Johnny Edwards. I said “who”. Haley guffawed. Guffawing with Haley Barbour in the heart of Mississippi … another anecdote for the BobLee Alive series.
The occasion was a PGA Tour stop. I ran into long time PGAer Bob Estes. Bob has had consistent success on Tour for 15+ years and is an Orangeblood (UT Longhorn). Any time I run into a Orangeblood (Justin Leonard, Tom Kite, Crenshaw. etc) the subject quickly turns to MACK. I asked Bob if he thought this would be Mack’s year to grab a W in next week’s Red River Shootout with the Sooners. Bob said he doubted it but had a hot rumor for me … gather round folks and listen up. The Hook’em Horns Crowd is convinced that Mack may be canned in favor of STEVE SPURRIER! Yee Haa!
Yes Indeedy … this week there were (at least) TWO Ye Olde Visor Boy Sightings. An eagle-eyed snot nosed sophomore from the 3rd floor of UNC’s Craige Dorm spied Steve on Franklin Street … while a goggle-eyed undergrad at UT’s giant Jones Dorm saw the ever elusive SS on Austin’s 6th Street. While in Mississippi I thought about heading up to Tupelo to see if Steve and Elvis were sharing a fried banana sandwich and playing Madden 2005. I’ll see Darius Rucker and the Hootie boys in two weeks … no doubt the Spurrier to South Carolina certainty will be reaffirmed.
Here’s BobLee’s Guide to Spurrier Sightings … the more ardent the “I swear it was him …” the less likely he was within 1,500 miles of that location. I am pretty sure that Steve Spurrier IS indeed “Somewhere” right this very moment. Otherwise ALL the conjecture is pretty futile, huh?
Speaking of “Mack” … among the more bizarre rumors has Mack coming in as AD and bringing big brother Watson in as Head Coach. STOP … don’t rush to tell your favorite message board loonies. They will commence to defiling Watson Brown and we don’t need that. Plenty of time for defiling dozens of “how about …” candidates in late November.
Oh … I noticed a sweet gum tree that appeared dead on the golf course. I asked a local fellow what happened to it. “Tommy Tubberville killed it” he sardonically replied. It seems the folks in Mississippi ain’t about to forget that “Tommy lied to them boys” when he “pulled a Mack” and snuck off to Auburn about 5 years ago. Yep, no matter where I travel, the goggle-eyed loonies are thriving there.
Wal-Mart Shoplifting Punter Update … I cannot confirm this but apparently UNC’s David “how did that get in my pocket” Wooldridge has been reinstated for the FSU game. Not entirely surprising as it was Papa Bowden that immemortalized the legal opinion that “misdemeanors don’t count”. We do know that David Wooldridge was apprehended red-handed with the pilfered computer accessories so the standard “I am really Dexter Reid” or “I thought the skank in the crop top was the hotel maid” alibis can’t work this time.
Normally any laxity in setting examples for Bad Boyz crimes really fries me. Under the current circumstances maybe putting him back on this team is considered more punishment than returning him to the “regular student” population. As we approach the 20th Anniversary of Charles Shackleford’s amphibious revelation, I give “Wal-Mart Wooldridge” about a 6-8 year run in the Wuffie-Tar Heel “yadda yadda” war. This one has much greater long term potential than Jeb Terry’s quote three years ago.
Our last two columns have both made it to various UNC message boards igniting the resident Bundy Boys to full rant.
… “Hey Al is this Swagger guy making fun of us?
… Yeah, Bud I think he is. What we gonna do about it?
… Let’s go throw some rocks at “That Damn Dick Baddour” and talk about it.
… Sounds good, Al. By the way where’s Chapel Hill?
… I dunno Bud I thought you knew.
… Hell no, I ain’t never been there but I’m the world’s greatest Tar Heel fan I know that.
… I think they oughta get that Lawrence Taylor as Head Coach.
… Naw, we don’t need no more UNC graduates as coaches.
… No problemo, Bud. He never came close to graduating.
… OK, Al lets go get him.
Swagger’s Open Debate Offer Still Stands
… he’ll meet ANY message board loonie on the steps of Wilson Library 90 minutes before any UNC home game to discuss any aspect of this column or UNC Sports. Only requirements … loonie must crawl out from behind his keyboard and, of course, no skateboarding allowed. … over 50 public appearances and this website … it ain’t like BobLee is hard to find.
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Swagger’s Stumper
This chesty wench played
Maude’s daughter and girl friend of “The Swamp Thing”?
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Lydia’s Picks
Signs that the Apocalypse is upon us: … Nebraska, Auburn, and Notre Dame are all using the “West Coast” offense effectively. We live by 10 commandments from God, there are only 27 amendments to the U.S. Constitution, and yet there are 32 pages of rules for the presidential debate and the NCAA compliance manual has to be delivered by U-Haul. What’s wrong with this picture?
Joe Paterno has now lost more games in the last three years than he did in the last DECADE!
Leno has announced that he will retire in 5 years – and that his replacement will be O’Brien. Just think what would happen if Universities would do this with football coaches? The weather channel has higher ratings in September than ESPN.
LSU V. GA – Richt unhappy with offensive production and says that his team gets the “heebee jeebees” in the red zone. Tigers get in the swing of things and do the “hokey-pokey” in the hope that this dawg is all bark and no bite. Record crowds expected as UGA tries to get revenge for two losses to Tigers last year. Saban worried that his team has forgotten how to play the “LSU way”. Not today – Tigers will run the right way between the hedges and win a close one.
NC State V. Wake – McLendon manages to be MVP even though his mail is being forwarded to the training table cuz he’s injured so much. Amato says “In order to have a great year, you have to win all your games and we lost to OSU, so we stole one last week.” What? Winning and stealing are the same thing? Get this coach a PR man! Wake’s WR “Willie Idlette and the Deaconettes” looking for a top ten hit, but flop.
Auburn V. TN – Showdown in the SEC at Knoxville. Area put on “high” terrorist alert due to plethora of orange polyester in Neyland. (And people are worried about the presidential election?) Volunteers and War Eagles – who have both gotten by with a little help from their friends – THE REFS – have to win legitimately this week. Checkerboard design in TN end zone confuses Cadillac who takes a wrong turn. Vols win!
ARK V FL – Leak and Jones do great imitations of Farve and Manning as they duel for best SEC QB! Look for TD records to be set in this high scoring contest. Jones and the Razorbacks win a close one as the last offense on the field wins.
UNC V. FSU – It’s all over but the crying for Bunting at UNC. This will be another nail in the coffin. Fans are thinking about canceling the rest of the season due to poor turnout and lack of interest – by the players! FSU Sophomore QB has it all – straight A student, movie star name right out of central casting, and he’s a hometown boy – Wyatt Sexton? Why not? Could this be the next Burt Reynolds?
TX V Baylor – Okay, UT has played N. TX, Rice, and now Baylor as tune-ups for THE game next week. Love affair with Daddy Mac will be over quicker than Brittney’s first marriage if Longhorns lose again. Let’s just fast forward to the good stuff.
Purdue V. Notre Dame – Boilermakers try to break 13 game losing streak to Irish while Irish tries to sweep Big 10 opponents for the second year in a row. Purdue QB Orton has 13 TDs and O interceptions; resurgent Irish are known for “Immaculate Receptions and Conceptions”. Which streak will be broken? 13 years is too long for anything…Purdue steamrolls to victory.
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Fred and Ethel Mertz were Ricky and Lucy’s landlords and best buddies. Mrs Trumble was Little Ricky’s babysitter.
BobLee hisownself will be speaking at UNC on Monday night. He’s introducing one of his ultra right wing extremist buddies who’s in town to see how many faculty squirrels he can flummox. UNC Student Union at 7:00 PM Monday night.
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