Sugar and Spice & 300 Yard Drives

January17/ 2000

 “The Open” at St Andrews with Tiger at the top of his game against the world’s best …. yet El Tigre has to share SportCenter minutes with Michelle Wie at the US Public Links Championship.  What does this say about the sanctity of golf or sports in general?  You gotta know in the bathroom of The Butler Cabin in Augusta Ol’ Hootie is coughing up a hairball.  .… Gack.  BobLee introduced many of you to this par busting phenomette two years ago …. time to check in again.

 Imagine these headlines even 10 years ago.  

 The Top Two Golfers in The World Are Blackskinned Men 

The Top Two Golf Celebrities in The World Are Sorta Asian.

    Are you old enough to recall the hubba hubba in 1975 over Lee Elder qualifying for The Masters?  The mortal fear that Old Tom Morris, Francis Ouimet, and Jimmy Demaret would soon be replaced by Sidney Poitier and a herd of lusty Mandingo Warriors has never quite materialized.  That separate water fountain and locker room annex that ol’ Cliff Roberts installed was maybe a bit premature.  But you never know … there could be another 2-3 of’em in the next 20 years.  Better safe than sorry.

    Back then there were actually many more “colored men” walking the fairways of Augusta than there are now.  In “those days” Masters entrants used full-time Augusta caddies and they were pretty much a closed society. “Iron Man” Avery was always Arnie’s “man on the bag” for that week in April and “Willie” Anderson carried for Mr. Nicklaus.  Now a PGA Tour caddy lounge looks like a Kappa Alpha Old South Weekend.  I can’t recall the last black caddy I’ve seen on either the PGA or LPGA Tours.  The Champions Tour still has a few depending on whether Jim Colbert (Willie) or Lee Trevino (Herman)are playing that week.


BobLee will address NC State’s Terrorist Bomber 

and Ol’ Roy’s KU Unpleasantness in Monday’s Column.    


    There have been various “Asians” around golf for a while.  Jumbo Osaki enjoyed a brief cult popularity because he was called “Jumbo”.  Isao Aoki was (and is) a dapper fellow.  (NOTE: After 20 years playing golf in America, Aoki still pretends he can’t speak English.  Be VERY careful not to fall for that.).  Every year some anonymous “Asian” shares an early round lead in some high profile event but is hardly ever around at 5:00 PM on Sunday.  Their name usually end in “…ayaki” and they are always noted as being “very polite”.  Which is about like how we describe Kid’s Siamese Fighting Fish … “it doesn’t eat much”.

    Well, anyway when Tiger exploded on the scene it became important to note he wasn’t a pure-bred.  You never heard anyone say Charlie (Hey, that man’s a NEGRO!) Sifford was 1/8th Cherokee but most of you have never heard of grumpy old Charlie.  He never pulled off The Charlie Slam (still 18 behind Nicklaus in Grand Slam wins) or married a Swedish nanny.  

   Harumphing country club presidents were comfortable with Tiger’s Asian (Thai) ancestry and sorta mocha skin color.  So now we have Michelle Wie.  Michelle was born/raised in Hawaii, the daughter of first generation Korean American parents.  Both Mom and Dad Wie were educators before Daddy Wie became full-time Michelle spokesman and designated hoverer. Zenophobes will have to make do with that.

   Michelle Wie is 15 YEARS OLD … Michelle Wie is FEMALE … Michelle Wie is PRETTY … Michelle Wie would be ranked #1 in the universe among PRETTY 15 YEAR OLD FEMALE golfers if there was such a ranking.  When Michelle Wie plays in an LPGA or PGA Tour or US Public Links Championship she plays from the same tees and with comparable equipment as everyone else.  She does not use a “smaller ball” (as in girls basketball).  Her weight is not “a factor” ala Danica Patrick (she is taller and bigger than Fred Funk!).   The porta-potties on course are uni-sexual so she is accorded no special dispensation there.  Most tour pros don’t use the locker room anymore except to hide from the media so no concerns about “where’s she gonna change her clothes?”.

   Michelle Wie is 6’ tall with the figure of an athletically healthy supermodel if there was such a thing.  Every time she bends over to pick up her golf ball some gap-toothed cretin in the gallery behind her snorts the sort of carnal observation that should get him 5-7 “breaking rocks in the hot sun” or at least cult-hero status on a message board.

   I don’t recall how old Mary Lou Retton was when she nailed “that vault” but it had to be 15-16 at the most.  Kid Swagger is incredibly well-spoken and poised but, at 17 not quite ready for the world stage.  I am much older than Kid and am “not quite ready for the world stage” either.  Michelle Wie is center-stage in the Golf World at 15.

   As of Thursday afternoon, Michelle Wie had won her first three matches in the US Public Links Championships.  For the unschooled in Golf … the US Public Links Championships is a national tournament for golfers who play primarily at non-private courses.  95% of the participants are serious collegiate golfers and/or sons of men who own their own insurance agencies or real estate firms.  Think “Tin Cup” driving range galoots if you want to, but these are flat-bellied PGA wannabees who are playing or practicing golf “fulltime”.  They use for-real equipment just like real golfers and most don’t play “winter rules” like every one of you guys do.

   There are eight “players” left in this event from 80+ that started on Tuesday.  Those 80+ were culled from 1,000s that originally tried to qualify.  Of those eight, seven shave, drive, vote, and stand up to pee.  One is a pretty and poised 15 year-old girl who only shaves her underarms and legs and cannot drive (a car) or vote (except in American Idol).    

   NOTE: At 11:05 AM Friday, Michelle lost her quarter finals match in the PubLinks tourney.  Every toilet seat at Augusta National was ceremoniously raised to signal the occasion.

   Michelle Wie not winning The US Public Links Championships will spur the legion of cretinous morons to belch “hell that she-chink ain’t winning nuthin’ “.  Irrelevent comparisons will be made to Anna Kornikova who was/is indeed pretty and female but not “15 and playing VERY competitively against adult male professionals in her sport”.  

   Michelle Wie was “in the hunt” to win the recent US Womens Open several weeks ago.  She just missed making the cut in the PGA Tour’s John Deere Classic last week.  Neither of those accomplishments considered separately or together are Hall of Fame credentials … Unless there is a Hall of Fame for 15 Year Old Girls.  If there is I nominate Michelle Wie.


 Swagger’s Stumper

 Who was Fritzi Ritz’s niece?


    Dennis The Menace was our comic question.  We thought it would be a tougher question … it wasn’t.

    BLS’ column on The Farmers Markets drew several 100s reader comments … even more than WAFFLE HOUSE did.  Those type of columns are soooo much more fun to write and discuss w/ readers than yadda yadda sports crap.

    Our pal “Hokie Jim” wrote us about a silly Hoo he knows that tried to discredit VaTech by claiming VaTech was “just a seven trick pony” after VaTech beat UVa in 7 different sports last year.  And you thought UNC had all the pompous jackasses in fandom!

    A fine time was had with the Wilson Kiwanians.  Successfully debuted a new bit about “Pancake Suppers”.  Thanks to Buck and his buddies for having Swagger back.

    BobLee ALIVE now booking for the Fall.  Civic clubs and Sports Clubs looking for “better than what you usually get” programs should contact [email protected]

[email protected]

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