Ol’ Roy & The Wuff Bomber (UPDATED)

January17/ 2000

A FIRESTORM SPECIAL! … UPDATED! As of noon Friday it was already “hats & horns” at Swagger World HQ.  NC State had produced the 1st international terrorist from this area and UNC’s anti-American hate-a-lots were in a jealous twit.  THEN the ESPN headline broke at 4:15 … “where were you when you heard” … Ol’ Roy, The Blue Messiah, was publically accused of CHEATING. NOT Ol’ ROY!  The cheers from WuffWorld reached the decibel level of DT reentering Reynolds after he fell on his head.  On Franklin Street it was Deny It, Trivialize It, Blame Dickie.  And somewhere Tom “The Bag Man” Abatemarco and Pete Gaudet giggled.

    The Chapel Hill-Carrboro Marxists & Anarchists Society was in disbelief that NCSU was the first area academic institution to produce an international terrorist.  They feel like the Russians did when Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon … “That is supposed to be us!”. Like it was their birthright.  What this does to NCSU’s global reputation as an incubator of violent un-American activity is incalculable.  Imagine an 18 y/o Blue Chip terrorist in Sumatra trying to decide where he should go to learn to hate America and bring down The Great Satan.  

NOTE:  Terrorism is a very SERIOUS issue.  The uber-looney crowd in Chapel Hill however is “a joke” and an institutional embarrassment.  These remarks are intended to ridicule that bunch and not to belittle the horrors of the terrorist threat.

    Does he go to UNC where they spent two years trying in vain to blackball a 5-member Christian fraternity … OR go to NCSU where Mohammed El-Wacko actually learned to blow up subway stations?  It’ll take more than a pizza party to pry these world class suicide bombers from West Raleigh. If El-Wacko says he was wearing Wolfpack boxer shorts when the bomb went off it could mean a 5-star recruiting class for NC State.  “The pirate captain” will be so proud.

    Will Carolina’s previously top-ranked dysfunctional ideologues rebound?  When Carolina basketball loonies were faced with Duke’s winning a 3rd National Championship, they managed to dig up a completely meaningless Helms Award from the 5th century BC that they counted as UNC’s 4th championship.  It meant zilch but it did comfort bruised egos until Ol’ Roy could notch a real #4.  We can expect such creative disinformation from Susie Estroff’s commie commandos.  

   A suggestion that Che Guevarra had once been a stockboy at Maurice Julian’s haberdashery was rejected.  The call has gone out to bring in Ward Churchill to advise Chapel Hill’s left-wing cocamamies how to deal with this neighboring threat to their area dominance.  Damn those Wuffies … 

   Meanwhile in West Raleigh, SWAT teams rounded up all swarthy middle-eastern types for internment in a Big Lots warehouse in Knightdale.  This effectively shutdown every retail establishment within 5 miles of the NCSU campus.  Subway stores and Econo-Lodges were especially hard hit.


   The deification and inevitable vilification of any “celebrity” is at the whim of the respective mob constituencies. Think “The Man Who Would Be KING” with Sean Connery and Michael Caine. The incredible humor in these scandals d’jour is the totally predictable responses of the respective camp followers.



UPDATE!  Sunday 8AM

   Ol’ Roy issued his official contrition statement on Saturday afternoon after this column was originally posted.  Limited by the English language he used words and phrases used previously by other “coaches under fire”.  The simple litmus test is ssk yourself … “would I believe those words if they were being said by Amato, Krzyzewski, Jim Valvano, Skip Prosser, Paul Hewitt, Rick Pitino, Rick Barnes, Tom Izzo, or 50 other Div 1 BB coaches?”  If so, I commend you for your openmindedness.  BobLee believes Ol’ Roy.  The first UNC fan who can convince me he/she would believe it from Coach K or Chuck Amato wins a lifetime of free BBQ from my buddy Jon The Bear at The BBQ Joint in Chapel Hill.

As of Sunday AM, the race to see which Lunatic Fringe can exhibit greater idiocy over all this is pretty much a dead heat between Heels & Wuffs … in other words … Situation Normal!  Ain’t a froghair worth of difference between the lot of’em.


   Like a well-rehearsed Civil Defense drill.  The siren goes off and everyone scurries to their appointed station.  The side on defense “goes to the mattresses” to defend dear old alma mammy.  The side on offense smells blood and grabs pitchforks and torches.

    Carolina was caught unaware having deployed three brigades of howler monkeys along I-77 at Rock Hill all week firing “ha ha ha rockets” at South Carolina for their “getting caught”.  UNC officials immediately dispatched buses to bring’em back to fill sandbags and man the barricades at the Chapel Hill city limits. Circle the Wagons boys!

   The Triangle is a no-holds-barred mosh pit for sports slander, half-truths, and just plain horse hockey.  Most manure is pitched by UNCers and Wuffs because they so outnumber the Dookies.  It’s the monkey house at the zoo with the different colored apes throwing feces at each other.  The Ol’ Roy Cheated headline is a fresh load of ammo.

   Like a Catholic child learning his catechism … a young Tar Heel is taught the 666 mortal sins of Michael Krzyzewski.  Sure it is all slanderous bilge but a thousand monkeys flatulating long enough  will sound like a Brahms Lullaby.  The Wuff orgasm over this is the EXACT same reaction seen from Chapel Hill when Coach K gets a parking ticket.

   Coach K did have critical back surgery and there never was a Wolfpack parade but that does not stop Tar Heel loons from beating those dead horses into silly putty.  The actual resolution of Ol’ Roy’s KU oops will not effect it having the halflife of a uranium isotope in the never-ending Triangle gig’em war.

The official Wuffie version of all this was set in stone 10 minutes after ESPN broke the story.  

  • If Ol’ Roy is still alive and employed by UNC as of noon on Wednesday then it will be ANOTHER massive cover-up by the UNC media machine. Where is Claude Sitton?
  • If Ol’ Roy is fired, beheaded, and disemboweled like a slaughtered hog on Tuesday … IT WON’T BE ENOUGH!  Dean should be gutted too and Dudley Bradley should be charged with a foul on Clyde Austin.

    As for Duke … they’re too busy washing surgical instruments in hydraulic fluid.  MedMal lawyers … the line forms over there by Washington Duke’s statue.  Take a number!

   Having studied these tribal rituals for many years, I give “Ol’ Roy Cheated” an active shelf life of 12 years.  That means it will be referenced EVERY DAY over those 12 years by some Lupine howler monkey somewhere.  After those 12 years it will only be used whenever the word “amphibious” is used by UNC howler monkeys.

   Unless it turns out that Ol’ Roy also had necrophilial relations with Dr Phog Allen, this latest incident will not reach the lofty legend status of Affair de’Gaudet or anything associated with Chris Washburn.  What Ol’ Roy did was akin to kissing your secretary and slipping her some tongue … it may not be illegal but it is ill-advised.

   The actual announcement that Ol’ Roy mighta screwed up was not the real fear jolt that rocked Tar Heelia.  The NOOOOO! was the companion announcement that Prince Tassel Loafer was considering a press conference … giving Dickie Baddour a microphone is like giving Gallagher a watermelon.  When he’s done there will be a mess for somebody to clean up.

   Dickie needed 24 hours to “get ready”.  He’s gathering a dozen Special Olympics kids and a box full of homeless kittens to emphasize what a fine human being Ol’ Roy is.  Let’s hope he puts’em in coats and ties (but not $400 suits!) and not a repeat of Mad Matt’s Pissed-off Posse.  I’m betting Ye Olde Legend will be NOWHERE near that press conference.

   Dickie will use his “righteously indignant chipmunk” persona.  Fear me bunny rabbit! 

   Why was Ol’ Roy distributing gifts to departing players?  KU is like UNC, you have two categories of players.  Category A consists of three skinny white kids on the far end of the bench who only play in garbage time and actually graduate so they can take $30,000 trainee jobs with a bank.  Category B have athleticism, street cred, major in “staying eligible” and move on to either the NBA or a Portugese pro league at a minimum of $200,000.  Category A is happy with a letter jacket and coed leftovers from Category B.  Category B already gets enough gifts from street agents, shoe reps, and horny fat girls.

   Believe it or not, just last week I was thinking how Ol’ Roy had never committed a deadly sin.  There was the Bonnie Bernstein interview but let he who has not said “s**t” on national television cast the first stone.  Not so fast there Krzyzewski.  Roy could only be hated because he coaches at UNC.  Bill Gutheridge did that.  K has the aforementioned 666 mortal sins headed by (1) back surgery … (2) Laker offer … and (3) That Commercial.  Throw in Sideline Tourette Syndrome and he’s set for life.

   Ol’ Roy dropped his monkey, gained a ring and has now picked up a resume millstone.  What will the Cameron Crazies first cheer be? … 

“Hey Roy, I’m graduating.  I wear a 42-Long?”

    The actual guilt or innocence of any public figure is totally unrelated to the intense circumspection he is subjected to simply by his very existence and fame.  

   Ol’ Roy, Coach K, Chuck, Lou Holtz, etc know “it comes with the territory”.


 Swagger’s Stumper

 Who were Candice Bergen’s “wooden brothers”?


   As this is a Category 4 Firestorm in Progress we may be updating this column over the next several days.  If “something big” happens check back here to read what you should think about it.

    Yes … this column will get passed around like a drunk cheerleader on a beach weekend.  Just hit the Tell-A-Friend icon up at the top or down below here.

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