Nearer My God To Thee …

January17/ 2000
Now, where did I file that Doomsday Scenario column? Oh, here it is. …..OK, Tar Heel faithful … yes, you can cue the Marchin’ Tar Heels to play “Nearer My God To Thee”. Yes, we COULD win a couple of the rest … but UNC is now the Dennis Kucinich of college football 2004.  We don’t have a chance. Everybody knows it. We will enter each week’s primary anyway.  The Death Spiral has officially begun.
   All I can say for those of you not in Kenan on Saturday is “it was NOT as bad as the Hooville Horror”.  The Football Gods are giggling up a storm.  They dangled a sliver of hope over Chapel Hill last Saturday and Tar Heel fans devoured that morsel like the last Pringle in the can …which it quite likely was.  

   A mere loss to Louisville was not unexpected … but a 34-0 listless rout was not among the “we can live with” possibilities.

   I credit John Bunting and his staff and the players that they rebounded from the UVa rout to beat convincingly a decent Yellow Jacket team.  It was painfully obvious versus Louisville that whatever fumes were still in the tank ain’t there any more.  She be on “E” with seven games still left to go.  This team’s “get up and go” went last week.

It is Officially “Gut Check Time” for The Sons & Daughters of The Old Well”.

   You highly intelligent readers of this website WILL set the standards for Carolina Gentlemen & Ladies decorum over the stormy weeks to come.  It will be very difficult.  Those infernal Wuffies will be stuffing “crow” and “humble pie” down our throats 24/7.  Do whatever it takes to survive but maintain your dignity.  WE ARE CAROLINA BY GAWD … but we are also football road kill right now.  Be Proud but don’t be braying jackasses for goodness sakes.  

   Sure … you can “quit” and claim you are just a Carolina “Basketball fan” … as many have already done.  

   Sure … you can blame and defame The Dickster and Goofy Moe … as a GREAT many have done and will REALLY start doing now.  And that helps How?

   OR … you can simply say “Aw Sh*t” and go on about your life. A reorganized UNC Football program will emerge from this ash heap regardless.

   There will be a new football coach at UNC next year.  Dickie Baddour will not have an active role in selecting that individual.  That individual is 99% certain not to be Steve Spurrier.  You can join the howler monkeys in the Internet Asylums plotting some peasants rebellion of South Building if you choose.  I got a buddy who can sell you pitchforks and torches at a terrific price. 

   Regardless of how much bile you choose to gin up … the mechanism for a change is now in motion.  A 50-0 rout over the Wolfpack on October 9th MIGHT slow down the process but probably not.

   I’m very sorry for John Bunting.  I know John on a casual basis.  I wanted him to succeed.  If “want to” was all it took he would be BCS-bound.  He has had a ton of “want to” from Day One. His unfamiliarity with the nuances of modern big time college football did him in. The learning curve was simply too steep “thanks” to the rapid success of Mssrs Amato, Friedgen, Groh and Grobe … and Johnny Swofford’s silly “New ACC”.  

   I had a “dream job” once.  I don’t have it any more.  I reorganized my priorities and now I have a much better “dream job”.  I hope The Buntings find a much better “dream situation”.  

   The best advice I can give is in this picture.  90% of the crap from here on out will be coming from either “Bud Bundy” or “Al Bundy”.  Which one of these “shining stars” do you trust … 19 y/o human zits or 40 y/o guys with $20,000/year careers?

   99% of the Bloviating Bundys on those infernal message boards have no connection to UNC other than a mesh-back Carolina cap they shoplifted from Wal-Mart. (Pun fully intended!) DO NOT E-MAIL ME TO VERIFY A “BUNDY RUMOR”!  I swear I will zap you from our subscriber list if you bring me any “Bundy Boy crap” you read on a message board … I’m serious! 

   A coaching change does not have to be a slaughterhouse wherein everyone involved tries to disembowel each other in senseless rage.  Calling John Bunting obscene names does not lead us in any positive direction. AND … do not even suggest JB as AD … incredibly foolish idea!  John is a “football coach”, just not a successful head football coach at Carolina at this point in time!

   Moving with the assumption that John Bunting will not be UNC’s Head Coach on November 22, we can then consider how that process will be orchestrated.  A few possibilities to consider.

  1. Dickie storms down to the sidelines as TA McLendon scores his 6th TD on Oct 9 and snatches the headset off of John’s head.  Just hold that visual for 8 seconds … … … OK, lets move on to the next one,
  2. UNC pulls a NY Mets … who just fired Art Howe effective at the end of the season.  Create an official “lame duck / dead duck” situation by announcing subtly in late October that John will not need Thanksgiving dinner reservations at Top Of The Hill.
  3. Have the Kenan equipment manager replace all the coaches’ caps with “visors” on the way back from Utah.
  4. “Rita from Chester” does not call the Thursday Radio Show.

   It’s not inconceivable that John could take a bullet for his alma mater and announce his intent to resign in late October.  Depending on just how painful the next 8 weeks are, that is a possibility.  I expect John Bunting will be on the UNC sidelines at Wallace Wade on November 20 but I ain’t betting Kid’s allowance on it..

   Don’t worry one whit about “recruiting”.  Verbal commitments are not worth the paper they are not printed on … unless Dan Rather produces them … then they are collectors’ items getting $10,000/each on e-bay.  The new coach will have plenty of time to romance Billy BlueChip and fawn insincerely over his mamma’s peach cobbler.

   The most important question that all Tar Heel fans should be asking is not WHO the next coach will be but … WHO will NOT make that decision.  Dickie Baddour’s stock is lower than Enron’s among Tar Heels.  If Dickie brought in Steve Spurrier with The Stoops Boys as coordinators, all three of’em plus The Dickster would be hung in effigy from The Davie Poplar before the shiny water pitchers were put away in the Skipper Bowles Hire & Fire Coaches Room at The Smith Center. 

   If Goofy Ol’ Moeser tries any scenario that has Dick Baddour involved in the search he will have the tightly clenched fingers of Charlie Winston, Johnny Harris, Mo Koury, and Eddie Smith wrapped around his scrawny neck before he can “hark a sound”.

   I don’t know just yet how The Dickster will be “dealt with” but “dealt with” he will be. Chaining the Little Prince to a radiator deep in the bowels of Venable Hall until the whole process is completed is the best idea I’ve heard so far but better ideas may surface.  

   “They” may create one of those classic UNC “Noah’s Ark committees” composed of 2 of every species on the planet … but don’t panic if they do.  The albino marxist dwarf, lesbian John Edwards lookalike, and 3-legged Peruvian grad student will not really have votes.  Trust me, I am sure on this point.  The jock-hating faculty squirrels will be excluded this go-round.  They don’t know that yet. Don’t tell’em.

   Real adults who have experience and proven skill at choosing talented executive managers PLUS knowledge of success traits of major college football coaches will be steering the ship this time around.  NOW … that does not mean they will select your choice.  99% of you dear wonderful SSays readers just know “more than Dickie does” and we need a bit more expertise than that.

   “UNC is a Sleeping Giant” is garbage … I am hereby retiring that worn-out cliché to that same dumpster where we put the “they even hung Dean Smith in effigy” cliché several years ago.  It “might” have been partially true in the mid 90s. It is absolutely NOT true in 2004.  Top coaches are NOT dying to come to UNC.  The aura of The Old Well, Franklin Street, and “where Brian Blados played” does not resonate nearly as well as Tar Heels with liver spots and severly bruised egos want to believe it does.

   Coming into a ruthlessly competitive ACC, inheriting a shell-shocked team and a very impatient fan base is like marrying J-Lo … the honeymoon will be mighty fine but that’s as good as it will ever get.  Don’t bet on celebrating that 5th anniversary. It will take more than a stroll through Coker Arboretum and a copy of Look Homeward Angel to attract anyone that anyone has heard of. 

   As this Tar Heel Dance Macabre is played out in the weeks to come, you can play Nickle Roulette.  Take the 20+ names that are going to pop up via the Bundy Pipeline and bet a nickel on each one.  Odds are you will hit a winner and win a nickel back.  

   The Dance has just begun. I’ll be here to guide you each step along the way.  There’ll be potholes aplenty but we will get through it.  Look out, here comes a wild ass rumor – DUCK!

  1. Don’t send me “Bundy Boy” crap.
  2. Forward copies of this commentary to at least five UNC friends.


Swagger’s Stumper

What was Gen McAuliffe’s one word reply to the Germans at Bastogne?


There were “8 Million Stories in THE NAKED CITY” … 

Oh … in case any of you are wondering which “choice” I’m making … I said “Aw Sh*t” as I drove down Franklin Street at 5:00 PM and now I’m moving on with my most blessed life.  You are all encouraged to join with me.

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