Dawn & Peggy Have A Problem

January17/ 2000

… Dawn Bunting and Peggy Amato are both in a quandry …. What to get John and Chuck for Christmas NOW?  Both had already bought three-paks of asbestos underwear for the “hot seats” both prodigal sons seemed destined to be sitting on this Winter… not needed now.  Dawn and Peggy might send’em to Mrs Houston Nutt and Mrs Dennis Francione.  Swagger’s Stumper for today – What do New Orleans, Gulfport, Key West, and Blacksburg all have in common?  And the BCS Committee is chortling “Mess, what Mess … we don’t have no Mess!”

    At 3:30 Saturday afternoon, the Sunday headline writers were pulling out the 36 point type for CAROLINA UPSETS BC.  But to quote Mother Corso’s boy … “Not so fast, my friend.”  Yes, it was indeed a very fine day “in the shadow of The Bell Tower” but it’s national significance diminished appreciably as subsequent events took place in Week Nine amid “the color and pagentry of college football”.  

   John Bunting evened his career coaching record versus Tom O’Brien at 1-1 avenging the Tire Bowl loss with a defensive shocker 16-14 in beautiful Kenan Stadium.  Did the fallout from Theo Epstein’s leaving reach all the way to Chestnut Hill?  Few, other than the aforementioned Dawn Bunting, saw this one coming which should be a lesson to all us Doubting Thomases, BobLees, and Dave Glenns.  Never bet against John Bunting in November.  Other than one quite forgettable afternoon in 2003, the burly ex-linebacker turns quite formidable along with the Autumn leaves.  

Later Saturday night as I was wearing out my remote trigger finger along with the rest of you, I thought about our boy Connor Barth and that vow of celibacy he had reluctantly undertaken.  Methinks Goldilocks finally got his tubes cleaned.  

For Burly John’s latest Rasputin-like performance, yours truly was in Sect 225 – Row S – Seat 15.  For any seat in Kenan Stadium better than that one you gotta write John Montgomery a check for $10,000 and kiss Meezie on the mouth.  All I had to do was have a good friend on the shores of Lake Murray.  

Next up … Fat Fridgie and The Turtles … Most Critical Game in John Bunting’s Coaching Career # 62 according to the Keyboard Klowns.


    Meanwhile down in Tallahassee … wearing rimless aviators, white shoes and a post-it note taped on the back of his hand saying GIVE THE BALL TO ANDRE’ Chuck Amato teetered back from the abyss of coaching linebackers in the Arena League.  It was a marvelous win for Chuck and the WuffNation.  Was it enuff to vindicate Lee Fowler as a worthwhile human being?  Naaaaah, he’s an AD and they aren’t “real people”.

I’m offering an autographed copy of my book, Braggin’ Rites, for the first person to send me a copy of a PackPride.com rant that Andre Brown still trailing Reggie Bush on the Heisman Watch is further proof that ESPN’s Stuart Scott is the AntiChrist.     

Chuck has now “done it all” … ditched the clownish eccentricites … thrown Jay Davis under the bus … found “the next great Wuff Running Back” … and won a Big-un.  Other than still needing 2 more Ws to go bowlin’ (as UNC does too) … everything is hunky dory at The Murphy Center … NOT QUITE.

Ya see Chuck sorta “stepped in it” at halftime last night.  Remember Ol’ Roy telling  Bonnie Bernstein “I don’t give a s*** about Carolina”?  Remember Broadway Joe asking Susie Kolber for a kiss?  Now add to those “oops” Chuckie telling the sideline info-babe … “You”.  Yep Chuck said “you”.  Now he didn’t say “you people” because he had already learned that one the hard way.  He simply said “you”.  Unfortunately that was his answer to her question “What have you seen in the Seminole offense you might want to attack in the 2nd half?”

Within 27 seconds the Carolina Keyboard Kowboys had filed a class action suit against Chuckie on behalf of every female born since Gloria Steinem masqueraded as a Playboy Bunny.  If the NCAA does not lynch Amato by Tuesday at noon it will be because all the N&O sportswriters graduated from the NCSU J-School. … moving right along …

   Memo To Toney Baker’s Dad:  If Toney transfers to a Division II school he won’t have to sit out a year.  I hear Catawba is nice.


    So … Q: what do New Orleans, Gulfport, Key West and Blacksburg have in common? 

 … A: Each has been destroyed by Hurricanes in the past three months. 

   Ex-FEMA honcho Mike Brown is enroute to VaTech as we speak.

As midnight settled over Blacksburg, in an RV parking lot outside Lane Stadium, Hokie Jim, Clota, Larry, Kevin, and Ivan The Quite Mad Russian held a ceremonial BCS bonfire.  It was a roaring blaze considering it was fueled by lots of round trip tickets to Pasadena AND likely equally useless travel plans to Jacksonville in December.  Look at it this way guys … going to The Peach Bowl means Marcus’ big brother can have the HokieNation out to his Hotlanta crib for a fancy party.  Apparently Bruce Smith on the sidelines isn’t quite the good luck charm of MV #1.     

There is still The Commonwealth Cup to play for.  Algroh feasted on hapless Owls and assured Mr Jeffrerson and Craig “Lifetime Contract” Littlepage that his Seven Year Plan was right on schedule.


    Speaking of rebuilding plans … and asbestos underwear … Carl Torbush and Reggie Herring must feel like 2nd mates on the Titanic.  Talk about throwing a drowning coordinator an anchor.  Do ya think the good ol’ boys in Tuscaloosa are feeling sorry for “Coach Fran”?  And howsabout the brainthrust in Lincoln, Nebraska that threw bazillions at Arkansas’ Houston Nutt before settling on Offensive Genius Bill Callahan.  Callahan is rapidly pulling a Matt Doherty in Lincoln … setting all sorts of “first time we’ve lost to ______ since before Bob Devaney was born” futility records.  Meanwhile Frank Solich says “Huck The Fuskers”.

Arkansas and aTm are running neck and neck in the Butch Davis Sweepstakes with the edge going to Butch’s alma mater in Fayetteville.  Frank Broyles has now doomed Coach Nutt with back to back votes of confidence.  

Former “next coaching genius” Mike “I’m Not Bob” Stoops finally started earning his mega bucks in Tucson by winning his 3rd game of the year (one less than Amato or Bunting) over previously undefeated UCLA.  The state of Arizona has had its own Amato v Bunting dilemma for the past few years as Stoops and Dirk Koettner at ASU have waged their respective  “NEXT year will be our breakout year, maybe?” nonturnarounds.


    For any sports networks looking for analysts or pre-game prognosticators for next season; you might consider Houston Nutt, Dennis Fanchione, Mizzou’s Gary Pinkel, Kentucky’s Rich Brooks, or even Mississippi State’s Sylvester Croom.  Yep, Sly may not even qualify for the traditional Black Coach Three Years & Out Plan in Starkville.  It was nice getting all those plaudits about “Isn’t it grand that those inbred rednecks hired a colored man” but ya had to know not everybody in Deliverance Country was all that thrilled about it.  A whole bunch of losses later and those mad cowbell ringers are saying “to hell with diversity, bring back Jackie”.

Speaking of “Bring backs …”, if Darth Visor continues his Chicken Strut in Columbia the Danny Ford Forever crowd at The Esso Club will be holding their annual Tommy Bowden Buy-Out Car Wash and Howard’s Rock Rub in about 2 more weeks.  

BobLee’s choice for Coach of the Year is Joe “Over What Hill” Paterno.

If somehow NASCarl can hold Vince Young under 100 and it turns out that God Luvs Aggies and Mack decides to call the plays in College Station and aTm upsets Texas … could it be a USC v Miami BCS MNC game in Pasadena?  Not likely, but you have to know the TV ratings boys are salivating over the female viewers that can’t get enuff of Larry “The Cadaver” Coker.  At least the prospects of a Larry Coker – Phil Fulmer duel won’t be happening.  

Isn’t it about time for Duke AD Joe Alleva’s annual “we believe Coach Wilson/Goldsmith/Franks/Roof has Blue Devil Football going in the right direction” speech? 


 Swagger’s Stumper

Where should one be in January to see …

“The sun setting over the beautiful San Gabriel Mountains.”


    DT’s Fall From The Reynolds Rafters happened against Pitt and the call was Goaltending.  David’s foot caught on Phil Spence’s shoulder.  Don’t try that one at home.

    BobLee wrote all those great Grantland Rice-esque lines in that last column and all anyone wanted to talk about is how come I like Boston Legal since Candy Bergen has hijacked the show into a Bush-hating Liberal LoveFest.  I keep watching waiting for Dickie Baddour to join Shatner and Spader on the balcony with whiskey and a cigar.

    Swagger will be at Texas Stadium Tuesday and Wednesday for a Cowboy Fantasy Camp.  Get your minds outta the gutter.  No spandexed hotties involved.

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