Crickets In A Microwave

January17/ 2000

..Throw a handful of crickets in a microwave for 15 seconds on high power … their little crickets heads will explode … … go for a field goal on 3rd down with 13 seconds to go in regulation and the same thing happens to 200 “junior woodchucks” on Tar Heel message boards.  Their little woodchuck heads exploded.  Matt Baker outrushes Andre Brown.  T.O. attracts camera hogs.  Darth Visor acclaimed GREATEST COACH EVER NOT NAMED ANSON …. All in Week Ten … 

    In the roller coaster world of collegiate football coaching … the same Head Coach and Offensive Coordinator that engineered highly applauded wins over NC State, Virgina, and Boston College have, apparently, ran slam out of genius and are now mindless dummies.  The cyber tribunals met on-line late Saturday afternoon and pretty much stuffed Coaches Bunting and Tranquil into a wood chipper.

   Marvin “The Messiah” Sanders’ DBs gave up two 4th quarter bombs, but the loonies “like him” because he came from a (former) “football factory”.  Imagine if Huxtable or Fleming’s defense had done that … YEEEOW!  Never try to understand loonie woodchuck logic … just enjoy it!

One can only imagine how the cyber tribunals would have voted had those aforementioned coaches tried “one more pass” and Matt Baker had slipped down or been sacked with Carolina never getting the tying field goal.  “Junior Woodchucks” be damned … it was the right call at the moment the decision had to be made. Oh that John Bunting had the option of “decisions without consequence” or, better yet, hindsight.  

Not counting the Miami game where Carolina was clearly outmanned … the NCSU, UVa, BC, and Maryland games could each have had different outcomes with one play.  That UNC was 3-1 over those four games is cause for appreciation.  I choose to be appreciative.  Those four opponents are programs with whom Carolina should be competitive equals … apparently we are.  

    Latest black helicopter plot unearthed by a Tar Pit Cliff Claven … Little Johnny Swofford (OUR OWN Little Johnny Swofford!) diabolically plotted to insure UNC defeats by giving pre-UNC bye weeks to BC, Maryland, and EVEN Duke.  When I read idiocy like that I pray for two things … (1) that the poor soul that wrote it is 16 or under … (2) somehow he has been neutered and is incapable of breeding.


    Meanwhile over at The Murphy Center … The Heisman Watch for Andre Brown has been officially called off.  Last Saturday UNC’s Matt Baker rushed for more yards (21) than Andre did (12).  Heisman voters took note.  

A SSays source close to the Wolfpack reports that the reason Andre sat the pine until the bottom was falling out versus Southern Mississippi is that the young man has not adjusted well to the academic side of the student-athlete equation and his future on the brickyard is “in doubt”.  At halftime of the Southern Miss game, Chuck’s future was even more “in doubt” so “what the hell”.  The gamble paid of but it may not be a long term solution.  Toney Baker’s dad might want to move slowly on those transfer inquiries. Andre is by all accounts “a good kid” so prehaps academics issues can be overcome … it’s NOT a repeat of T.A.-type issues at all.

Our crackerjack research team has noted that following this Saturday’s game, NC State will be “a West” from the Compass Quinella.  They will have played SOUTHERN Miss – EASTERN Kentucky – NORTH Carolina – MIDDLE Tennessee … four out of five directions.  If they do make that magic 6 WINS and can somehow play WEST Virginia in a bowl … it will officially be “kinda cool” don’t you think?

Speaking of “kinda cool” … NCSU Chancellor Oblinger has organized a Football Gameday Task Force to evaluate the hostile hooligan environment acknowledged at Carter-Finley.  BobLee isn’t claiming he’s totally responsible for all this coming about … but lots of other folks are saying he is.  Never underestimate the power of a dlever curmudgeon with his own website.

We hope the Task Force does NOT over react … the problem is isolated in one specific parking area (F-Bomb Alley) and that is where the extra security and zero tolerance policy needs to be implemented.  Making all of WuffNation lose tailgating options because of the stoopidity of a relative handful of white trash punks would be a mistake.  


    Would John Bunting have made different play calls at the end of the Maryland game if he had known that Visor Boy was altering the course of Western Civilization at the same time down in Columbia.

    If Steve defeats Tommy this week, the controversial South Carolina state flag atop their capitol will be replaced by a Giant Visor.  The big sombrero at South Of The Border will become a Giant Visor.  The Big Peach in Gaffney same thing – a Giant Visor.  The 28,000 nude dancers at Myrtle Beach’s 500 strip clubs will all be wearing visors … other than that … no big deal.  Dickie was right … Tar Heels vs Gamecocks at BoA in Charlotte would have been “no big deal”.!!! … yeah, RIGHT!


    “Spurrier’s people” NEVER talked to “Dickie’s people” because neither Steve nor Dickie “have people”, but that myth will live longer than the one about Larry Miller & Yvette Mimeux having sex on the steps of South Bldg in 1967.  The myth about Mark Richt mentioning God too often in an interview with Dickie is equally total Internet bilge but not nearly as tawdry as Larry & Yvette.

A year ago UNC “real fans” would have cut off both thumbs and plucked out their good eye in exchange for UNC “going and getting” Urban Meyer.  Today Florida AD Jeremy Foley has to have an intern start his car each morning due to threats from “real fans” in Gainesville BECAUSE he “went and hired” Urban Meyer.


    It’s not like T.O. needed any help last week in the “look foolish and say stoopid things” department.  And if he did, he had Drew Rosenhaus at his side to help out.  But get help he did.

Who had “Saturday afternoon” in the “when will Jesse-The National Negro jump into this one” Sweepstakes.  You win … Jesse jumped in on Saturday but miscalculated the maximum cameras on site moment by at least 3 days.  Is Jesse losing his touch?  America was simply not ready for Reverend JJ doing ab crunches on T.O.’s driveway.  Jesse jumping in was a given in this mess … but guess who else popped up … Ralph “Corvair” Nader.  Help me here.  Other than getting Chevrolet to halt production of that infamous mid-engine firebomb on wheels back in the late 60s … and stealing a handful of eco-fruitcake votes from Algore in 2000 … what has Ralph Nader ever done?  He’s a one-trick pony who should be touring amusement parks with Chubby Checker and Billy Ray Cyrus.

    What can we expect in T.O. Week Two?  We hear Cindy Sheehan has submitted a proposal to that she could probably find yet another long-lost son. This one could be a wide receiver.  She proposes chaining herself to the Liberty Bell until Andy Reid agrees to meet with her.  George Soros is skeptical of Cindy’s celebrity potential.  After her first “star burst” down in Crawford she disappeared quicker than a Vince Foster file. 

Noting last week’s headline grabbers, event fabricators are frantically trying to reach either of “The Two Cheerleaders In A Toilet Stall” preferably Renee (aka “the pretty one” with multiple identities).  There might be some cross-over appeal from both the lesbian and sexual predator factions.  Instead of plastic “Lance” bracelets they could go with pink ankle restraints.

Oh … more on “the cheerleaders” … we hear the whole thing was a ruse generated by “Packman” and his bunch to divert attention from T.O. 24/7 … It Worked!


   There is a brand new and quite evil Villain lurking about in UNC’s Polk Place … and we are not talking about the sweethearts that staged the recent “You & Your Clitoris” exhibit.  We will introduce to this latest threat to UNC athletics in our next column … you don’t want to miss it.


 Swagger’s Stumper

 Speaking of “Cyrus” …What “guy flick” 

contained a mega-baddie named “Cyrus The Virus”?


    The two Super Bowl QBs in the famous Cal-Stanford-Band game were John Elway and Joe Kapp (Cal Head Coach that year) … and a 3rd QB … some no-name named Chris Gilbert – who knew?

   A sure sign of changing seasons … the last vestiges of Fall “Dickie-Hate” are fading on Franklin Street … to be replaced with the annual surge of raging “Krzyzewski-Hate”.

    We ran into an old Tar Heel QB buddy at the Maryland game – Tim “T-Bone” Karrs.  Caught in the Hickey – Dooley transistion, Tim was one of the Tar Heel Junction Boys who coulda quit, but didn’t.  He’s been a high school FB coach for many years and is now coaching in the Fayetteville area.  Good to see Tim and always good to see Louie Pukal. 

    BobLee ALIVE in Kinston next Tuesday … Rotary at 7:30 AM … not sure where … look for the traffic jam and police helicopter circling overhead.

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