Show-Me Missery

January16/ 2000

…. All God’s chillens got problems but mine/yours always seem more overwhelming than “theirs” unless “theirs” are yours too.    The fine folks in The ShowMe State take the prize this week. AND…… do you recall “that column” about The UNC Dance Team?  You ain’t gonna believe the update on that!

 Favorite teams, pretty girls and little painted turtles will, for certain, one day rip out your heart and stomp that sucker flat ….. but to live your life without’em is to not really live at all.  ……. (BobLee, 10/’09)

I lived in Missouri for 6-8 years, married some of its women, sent my daughter there for college and count a number of its citizenry as pals.  I follow its goings-on closer than I do say Utah or Delaware.

I’ve always thought the Cardinals have the sharpest home uniform in baseball …. “birds on the bat” and the red cap with the interlocking StL.  The Royals of the late 70s were my first pro “home team”.  George Brett going yard against Goose Gossage in the 1978 playoffs ranks right there with Michael’s jumper 1982.

I care about the Missouri Tigers.  I was employed by them my first job outta college.  Cardinals Tigers.  Thursday night was a tad rough in our “home theater”.

At 8:56 PM a fine major leaguer named Matt Holliday became in one heart-breaking moment “the Bill Buckner of Missouri”.   Cardinals and Dodgers in Game Two of the NL Playoffs.  LaRussa’s guys down 0-1, needing a win in the best 3 out of 5 series.  Cards ahead 2-1 with two out in the bottom of the ninth in Chavez Ravine.  Dodger hits a looping liner to Holliday in Left ….. can o’ corn 99 times out of 100 for a MLB outfielder. ….. but lets back up a few minutes.

Missus and I are watching on the 40” flat screen in HD.  She grew up listening to Harry Caray call Cardinal games on KMOX.  They are “her team’.   She “cares”.  The first two outs in the Dodger 9th are routine plays. In pressure situations there is no such thing as a “routine play”. Ground balls and high pop ups are fielded “routinely” by the best in the world. She recalls when we lived in Worcester Mass “where we were” when Mookie Wilson hit a routine grounder to Bill Buckner in Game Six in Shea..

……. So a routine looping liner heads out to Holliday in Left.  Cardinal loyalists up/down the Mighty Mississippi are “jubilant” ….. heading back to Busch all tied 1-1 …… Oops …. Matt Holliday muffs it like a spastic Little League right-fielder.   And then falls on his face.  Tying run scores.  Within five minutes the winning run and Tony’s Cardinals are nine innings from elimination. From routine 3rd out to ignominity in an eyeblink. …… but., hey, the Missouri Tigers are playing Nebraska starting at nine …..

Switch to ESPN and a torrential downpour engulfs Faurot Field.   Kid is forgoing “the big game” to watch the wedding episode of The Office warm and dry enjoying homemade chili and cornbread.  What did she know that 65,000 Tigers fan did not know yet?   Missouri was 4-0 with a hotshot QB already being touted on some Heisman lists.

Three quarters later Mizzou is up 12-0 over Big 12 rival Nebraska.  12 points in a downpour is insurmountable …. Right?  Fifteen minutes later it’s 00:00 and the Faurot Field scoreboard reads Nebraska – 28 / Mizzou 12.   The Blaine Gabbert For Heisman campaign is drowned in rain and Tiger tears.  The only comparison I can make is that Wake Forest game in Kenan John Bunting’s first year.  UNC ahead by 3-4 TDs at the half and Deacons blow us out in the second half for the W.

For Cardinal Tiger fans, twin daggers thru the heart. …… and stomp that sucker flat!

Could it possibly get any worse?  Well, yes.  If you are a St Louis-area no-account lying Liberal Democrat you learned 24 hours earlier that Rush Limbaugh was likely going to be one of the new owners of the Rams.  That Rush?  ….. Your Rams?  AAaaiieeeee!  .More on that story in the days to come.


 Do you recall “that column about the UNC Dance Team”?  Of course you do.  Me, Prince Albert and Mike (of lost the wad o’ cash Mike) were in the lower level of Dean’s Dome a year or so ago when I noticed the UNC Dance Team were not projecting that legendary “Carolina Girls” level of pulchritude.   I noted various cosmetic concerns and did so in that inimitable BobLee way.

Specifically the young ladies needed LOTS of ab crunches ….. lots less chocolate chip cookies …. serious help with hair and make-up (I recommended Tami Hamsbrough to whip’em into shape.) and most definitely some serious “bronzing” via Tan Towels or some such.  I was reprimanded by a UNC Ath Dept official and received well over 100 “you nailed it BobLee” kudos from like-minded fans of the feminine form.  In excess of 10,000 views and instant “classic status”.

Sooooo, about a month ago I get an e-mail from UNC coed Suzee (no, not her real name!) wanting to interview me about “the Internet” and communications for a class project.  She noted the “How Dare You” column about the Dance Team.  We met Friday in a hotel lobby at Southpointe.

    30 seconds into the interview Suzee Coed (no, not her real name) ‘fessed up.  She is a member of the Dance Team.   Was she a suicide bomber sent to take out moi?  Yeee Haaa.  We had a grand couple of hours discussing a spectrum of issues from Eve Carson to which Carolina is the Real Carolina (her parents are Gamecocks!) to whether Dickie Baddour caused Hurricane Katrina and if she was Beav Shoop would she run Shaun Draughan off-tackle for a loss of one yard on EVERY first down.  No, she would not. ….. and we discussed The 2009 Dance Team.  GUESS WHAT?

With the exception of employing Tami Hansbrough as make-up and coiffure consultant …… EVERY single one of Ol’ BobLee’s “suggestions” has been implemented as “policy” INCLUDING the mandatory bronzing. 

Rigid appearance standards have been established and team members are evaluated prior to each game on various quality checkpoints.  If you don’t measure up, you don’t dress out.

Have 1,300 columns over ten years left a fingerprint or foot print anywhere?  Are these columns just “a sack o’ peanuts”?  You snack on’em then go about your bizness until another “sack o’ peanuts” appears magically in your In box.  …… Has BobLee “made a difference?

Generations of Tar Heel men yet born will gaze upon the UNC Dance Team for whatever prurient or perverted reasons.  A Tar Heel Daddy will turn to his adolescent son awash in the pangs of puberty and, in a stage whisper not quite heard by mamma ……

“Son. Check out that tanned six-pack on that little brunette dancer third from the left?” …..

“uh, yeah dad.  What about her?” ……

“We men of TarHeelNation have BobLee to thank for that vision of coed pulchritude!” …..

“Who is BobLee, Dad?” ……

“He was a special buddy of your ol’ dad back in the day.  When you’re a bit older we‘ll sit down and I’ll open that special folder marked BLS on my desktop and introduce you to My Buddy BobLee.  For now just enjoy that tanned six-pack on that little brunette third from the end.  Oh, don’t mention this to Mom.  This is just between us guys.”

“Dad, is that the same BobLee I hear mom talk about in her sleep?  A roguish rascal with a bit of the whimsy ….”

“She said WHAT  ?”  


    The “3rd best team in Georgia” invades Kenan Saturday. I’ll be there and so will my favorite Tar Heel Dancer  “Suzee” (still not her real name!).   I told her to watch out for Dr Tim and intrepid sideline reporter Lee Pace.  I told them to watch out for her too.  She’s the one with the tanned six-pak and wavy brown hair; third from the left, I think.
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