.. Goodby sexy teddy. Hello ratty bathrobe. The Honeymoon ended for Butch Davis around 3:00 PM this past Saturday. Prepare for the predictable knee jerks. For long time BobLee Buddies these will be repeats (EXCEPT for one!) but a good reminder of what to expect so as not to get discombobulated when they appear. Ready – Set – Knee Jerk
FIRST (very important) – Butch Davis is NOT going anywhere any time soon. Butch is UNC Head Football Coach well into the 2nd decade of the New Millenium. ….. UNLESS Jimma Sexton finds a mindless fool who wins a state lottery, buys the Seattle Seahawks, moves them to Broken Arrow, Oklahoma and needs a head coach that speaks Oklahomian.
Even if Tom O’Brien steps on his neck five years in a row and brands a red Block S into Butch’s forehead, Butch Davis will be UNC Head Football Coach longer than any screamin’ nutzo can hold its breath and type “Baddour, you idiot, call Bill Billichek.”
That reality will not deter the certifiably insane or a few just marginally insane from gnashin’ their pointy teeth over Butch Davis being UNC’s Head Football Coach.
OH …. I need to mention the situation in West Raleigh. The more volatile among PackPeople came unglued over a recent unpleasantness at BB&T Field in Forsyth County. A faction of PackPeople have been in a permanent state of “unglued” since Mary Ann Foxe promised them a National Championship ten years ago. They are mad at TO’B AGAIN if anyone is keeping count. TO’B AND Lee Fowler of course. Always “….. and Lee Fowler”.
So lets go thru the Four Stages of Football Coach Dissatisfaction …..
(1) fire.butch.com: Some peabrain has the rights to firebutch.com . It’s a crapshoot if the official sign up site will be firebutch.com or firebutchdavis.com . I will not allow FireThePaleRider.com . Sure, even Pop Warner teams are using firethecoach.com websites now but no one ever claimed coach-hating attracted innovative personalities.
(2) Replace QB A with QB B: The most popular player on ANY team is the back-up quarterback. Everybody loves him until his first “pick” or first 3 & out whichever comes first. Sure in many/most cases QB A has zero offensive line and all his receivers wear oven mitts but who cares. REPLACE THE SORRY SOB WITH THAT GUY THAT WAS A 5-STAR AT A TINY PRIVATE SCHOOL THAT PLAYED FLAG FOOTBALL. If “that guy” has a cool name like “Zeke” or “Rex” or “Colt” the loonies will really like him until, of course, his first 3 & out.
“Bryn” Renner is the current anointed wunderkin QB for Tar Heel Loonies-on-the-halfshell. 97% of UNC Loonies will misspell his name. The same ones who always misspell Hansb(o)rough and Guth(e)ridge. “BigRamalammadingdong from Vanceboro” insists Dickie go get Brett Favre which he also misspells.
(3) Fire the Coordinator: Who will ever forget the revolving door that Chuck Amato wore out with his OCs. After Norm Chow it was a collection of nameless vagrants with business cards that said “current offensive coordinator” and a place they could write-in their name. …..
Carolina’s most recent gory Coordinator Beheading was, of course, Dave Huxtable. Dave was John Bunting’s After-Tenuta Defensive Coordinator …… All Coordinators stand on two banana peels juggling chain saws. (NOTE: UNC FB historians will recall Steve Marshall from the mid 90s. Kenan’s fabled pines still reverberate with cries for Steve’s head on a platter)
God invented Coordinators to provide hot-seated Head Coaches one more year to line up their own next job. Coordinator firings appease the angry mob for the first two games of the next season or until the first 3 & out whichever comes first. Look for John “Beav” Shoop to pursue other career options in about 70 days based on his hop scotch resume. Having given Beav the dreaded vote of confidence earlier this week, Butch will “wish him well blah blah” then tell Dickie he needs $1,000,000 to hire his replacement “or I can’t win here.”
(4) A new addition to Four Stages of Football Coach Dissatisfaction – THROW MORE TO THE TIGHT END. Every goggle-eyed, pointy-teethed coach-hating lunatic in America is convinced his team would be BCS-bound if only the dumb-ass coach would THROW MORE TO THE TIGHT END. This is the Kellen Winslow Corollary.
I’m not including secondary Dissatisfaction elements like “team intro music” …. “width of stripes on pants” …. “PMS color of helmets” ….. and “size of mid-field logo”. “Need more brass and percussion in the band” doesn’t make the short list either.
With Butch now fair game for the bitch & whine mob; “BobLee BobLee …. Can we bitch and whine about Dickie Baddour too?” Must you even ask. The Right to Bitch & Whine About Dickie was guaranteed to every UNC Real (and Bandwagon) Fan by Chancellor Carlyle Sitterson back in 1966. At the time no one understood but Lyle said “Trust me. It will all become clear one day.” Who knew? Is “blaming Dickie” justified? Of course not, but that’s never stopped those who always do.
Off the subject: Greg Norman & Chris Event are divorcing (oh ?). A mutual acquaintance “…. claimed the couple were ‘narcissistic people’ who wed ‘in the throes of lust’.” It is well known that both Greg and Chrissie are terminally indiscriminate in their respective carnal pursuits. Chrissie takes her nickname as “America’s sweetheart” quite literally. I just think that is a very lyrical way to phrase it. Where was I? Oh yeah, Butch …..
“BobLee, you mentioned something in a recent lincredibly insightful commentary about “schools like us”. Did you mean “like us” or “similar to us”?” That was three days ago. I probably meant “similar to”. Hold the sentence up to a mirror and see if it says “Ringo is the prettiest Beatle.”
Any UNC Football Head Coach should put his total concentration into beating the three “schools like us” that he must play every year. Those three schools are UVA, NCSU, and GaTech. Until he consistently beats those three schools at least 3 out of every 5 times he should NEVER schedule LSU in a pre-season national game in Atlanta …… ouch! I leave out Wake Forest because, thanks to Little Johnny Swofford, we only play WFU once a decade or some such foolishness.
Butch Davis will be Carolina’s Head Football Coach until every single discretionary dollar has been sucked out of our Fat Cats and poured into outrageous bling bling. If anyone dares to say “Mr Davis, Sir, do we really have to build THAT in order for you to beat Virginia or State at least once ….?” He will leak a rumor that he “might go to _____”. If Dickie doesn’t offer to gut Wilson Library and remodel it for Butch’s new house ….. maybe he WILL “go to _____.”
THROW MORE TO THE TIGHT END!
This Saturday UNC plays “the 3rd best team in Georgia”. If you have a ticket and would like to bring a few friends, you may.
Incidentally, we have checked with Dean Smith’s apochraphal “1,000,000,000 Chinese” and “they still don’t care”.
Better stay outta those loonie bins.
The last time UNC beat both UVA and NCSU in consecutive years was ’81-’82 (that’s 1981 – 82). Ronald Reagan was in his first term and Jimmy Carter’s IQ was still in double figures. Barack Obama was working as an apprentice in his father’s carpentry shop in Nazareth and Michelle was lusting for Eddie Murphy as Gumby on SNL. Nancy Pelosi had the first of her 17 brow lifts in May of ‘81.