Quick, Cue The Midget

January21/ 2000

…. We’re missing the boat.  The highest profile judicial circus in America since OJ in our backyard and local hucksters are asleep at the wheel.  BobLee comes to the rescue with a whizbang master plan to maximize the “economic impact” of Carnivale de Nifong.   Call Hill Carrow, Jim Goodmon, Roger Krupa, even Stan Van Etton …. THIS IS BIG!

Why didn’t I think of this a week ago …. Drat!  How often does a community have advance warning that it will be THE epicenter of global pop-news for a week?  We all knew Carnivale de Nifong was kicking off this week and no one even ordered a balloon arc or printed up t-shirts.  But it’s not too late.

   I’m callin’ a meeting for 3:30 Friday at Dorton Arena at the Fairgrounds.  We need representatives from every civic club, church circle, motorcycle gang, CASL team, KKK, NAACP, Rams Club, WPC, Homeowners Associations, VIC card holders, and the executive council of the Keep Fuquay Clean Committee.  This is a golden opportunity to reap untold zillions from our local goofball windfall …. But time’s awasting.

I’m not sure what keyed it all for me.  Maybe my appearance on Jack Boston’s show this morning on WPTF.  No sooner had I mentioned Victoria Peterson and “Sapphire” than five Crown Victorias (no relation) carrying FCC commandos filled the station’s parking lot.  Their leader, a surly fellow who looked like Dr Jerry Buss, leaned across the roof of the lead Crown Vic with a bullhorn ordering me to “come out and play nice”.

With Producer Mark Shivar running interference, I snuck out the backdoor, jumped the fence and was calmly sitting at the nearby Perkins having a blueberry muffin when the FCC goons battered down the front door of Curtis Media and impounded Lisa Price’s hard drive. ….. in the process, I got to thinking.

(NOTE:  In another few weeks, Mikey could be “gone” …. just erased from the public’s memory kinda like “the Matt Doherty years”.  I got a trunk fulla Nifongian zingers to use up and time is running out).  

This whole Nifong Trial is like a Dodge City Hanging circa 1880.  Folks would come from miles around to be on hand for the festivities.  Ladies wearing their fanciest bonnets, men waxing their mustaches and polishing their boots … kids get out of school.  Even the animals sense the excitement. …. We can do all that right here and now.

But back then they didn’t have “streaming video” where one can sit at home in one’s cut-offs and dirty t-shirt and watch the goings-on on a monitor and chortling and giggling when the fancy lawyers say “pubic” …. Hehehe.  But there’s nothing quite like “being there”.

As soon as Mayor Meeker issues my permit for a Street Fair we are shutting down Fayetteville Street (Not Again!  That was a bad idea 30 years ago. Its OK, its just for a few days.).

There will be concessions, games, exhibits, face painting, even a petting zoo with members of Duke’s Gang of 88 crawling around in neoprene unitards for the kiddies to get a picture with.  We are encouraging any Triangle-area organization with a clever idea or who simply despises the N&O to show up and take part.

 Specific exhibits already scheduled include:

 The Brodhead Bus Toss …. With an actual Greyhound bus on-site, you can pretend you are Duke’s Spineless Prez Richard Brodhead.  Mannequins dressed as Duke Lacrosse players and Coach Mike Pressley will be available.  Three throws for $1.00 …. You get to try and toss a Duke Lacrosser “under the bus”.

“At Least” Five Essences ….. The actual identities of Precious’ nether region DNAs suppliers is unknown but you can submit your choices of five local residents who you might WISH had been IDed as one of Precious’ clients.  The most creative fivesome will win Mike Nifong’s porn-king bathrobe.  NOTE:  If you include Coach K you must use his actual name and it must be spelled correctly.

  The Line-Up …. a for-real Derm law officer will show you “mug shots” of Larry, Moe, Curly, Shemp, Rosie O’Donnell, Fatty Arbuckle, Rin Tin Tin and Mikey Nifong.  You have to pick out which one was actually elected to a public office in America in 2006.  You get three guesses since it is Derm we’re talking about.

 The Pots & Pans Band …. The Roguemont Volunteer Fire Dept has formed a Pots & Pans Band.  Using the actual “pots and pans” that were used by the goggle-eyed loonies last April, the Roguemont guys will play a medley from Porgy & Bess.  The public can bring their own cookware and join in.

 Find Former Nifongs .... Contestants are given phone books of Americas Top 100 cities and thirty minutes to find as many “former Nifongs” as possible.  People once named “Nifong” who have legally changed their name out of embarrassment.  Mikey’s wife and son now officially referred to as “those poor souls” do not count in the total.

 The Ultimate Kama Sutra …..  The UNC Med School has furnished several anatomically correct blow-up dolls of a 28 year-old African American “exotic dancer”.  Contestants in teams of three enter a phone booth with the life-size doll.  They then select one of Precious’ 20+ assorted accounts of “what happened that night”.  The three man team tries to physically recreate what she described.  Contestants must furnish a chiropractor’s verification that they are double-jointed and not allergic to penicillin.  …. If unable to “do it” contestants may opt to list at least 46 street euphemisms for male and female genitalia that appear in the official bar hearing transcripts.

 The N&O Dunking Booth …. My fave!  The “damn N&O’s” crackerjack tabloid muckrakers will be sitting over a shark tank.  Contestants are shown an actual racial/class warfare inflammatory quote from the paper between April 1, 2006 and sometime in late Fall including the famous “honor student, single mother of two(or three), navy hero and great American ….” glamour shot half-page “Meet The Poor Innocent Victim” story.  If you pick which arrogant N&Oer wrote which inflammatory pack of lies you get to knock them off their perch with a rolled-up paper ….. for an extra $1 you are shown pictures of “big fancy houses owned by rich white people” on Long Island.  If you can guess the market value of the “big fancy house” within $100,000 you get to “hurl an epithet” at your least favorite N&Oer.  NOTE: Barry Saunders will only be available from 9:00 – 9:15. ….. Proceeds from this booth will go to the Wake County Diversity Shelter for Homeless Albanian Elves.

 Pick A Picture ….. All 1,275 pictures taken of Mikey since April 1, 2006 will be taped to the wall (NOTE:  There were no pictures ever taken of Mikey BEFORE April 1, 2006).  You have 90 minutes to find ONE, just ONE, that does not make him look like PopInFresh – The Pillsbury DA.

 What’s My Line ….. Duke’s infamous Gang of 88 will operate this one.  Members of “the gang” will come out on stage in groups of eight.  Buy a chance and you get to try and pick out which one MIGHT have been a heterosexual within the past decade.  For an extra dollar you try and pick out which one, if any, has ever had “a real job”.  Unlike the Derm police line-up, this line-up will not be rigged nor will Rin Tin Tin be included.

Of course there will be an array of concessions and souvenirs stands.

  Little Desktop Stripper Poles with Little “Exotic Dancers” dancing exotically around them.  A great Father’s Day gift for the pervert pop on your list.

  Actual calculators like the one used by Kim The Embezzler in stealing $25,000 from her Derm employer before she “became famous”.

  Nifong Neckties …. little nooses fashioned from medicinal hemp.

  Bumper Stickers and Tees galore …… 

  • “My Kid Is An Honor Student / Mike Nifong Is An Idiot” 
  • “Lacrosse Rocks / Nifong Sux” 
  • “Save The Whales But Disbar Mikey”  
  • “Nifong – The Ultimate Lawyer Joke”  
  • “My Folks Went To Derm But Just Bought Me These DNA-stained Panties” 
  • “I’m An N&O Subscriber, Someone Tell Me What REALLY Happened?” 
  • “Impeach Clinton – Impeach Bush – Tar & Feather Mikey”  
  • “Fire Nifong – Hire Buddy Hackett” 
  • “Nifong = Derm’s N-word”  
  • “Don’t Blame Me – I Live In Garner”  
  • “Yo Momma Works For Bunny Hole”  
  • “Even Algore Is Smarter Than Mikey”  
  • ……. And my favorite …. 

“Remember Derm’s Good Ol’ Days – When All We Were Ashamed of Was Duke Football! (and 200+ murders each year)” 

Which brings us to the “Got To Have” element that every wild & wooly Carnivale must have ….

 A Midget

   It’s “short notice” but I’m trying to get the guy that played “Mini-Me”.  My fav midget was Michael Dunn who played Dr. Miguelito Lovelace on Wild Wild West but he be dead.  Likewise for all the Muchkins from Oz. ……. I’ll find one somehow.   My back-up is Spud or Muggsy.

No whizbang show is ever complete without ….

Midgets – Music – & Long-legged Wimmen.

   The Head Honcho of “The Bar” emerges from the courthouse to announce the verdict.  I see him dressed in a toga like Pontius Pilate doing his “Give us Barabbas” speech.

They drag out Mikey in a fuchia jumpsuit wearing Groucho glasses with a celery stalk in one ear and a 60 watt light bulb in the other ear.

    The Bar Honcho will announce that:

 Mikey will be Derm’s DA for Life ….. BUT

 Derm has been unincorporated as a municipality 

and converted into a Theme Park.

   Mikey will be the fictitious DA, Victoria Peterson will be Emperess, and Krazy Cuzzin Jackee will be Provost.

All 328  “normal people” currently living in Derm have 72 hours to relocate after which a 27 story plexiglass bubble will be erected over the entire county and its remaining residents.

It will serve as a permanent reminder of what happens when the inmates truly do run the asylum”.

A Nawlins Jazz Funeral Parade will begin at the State Capitol proceeding down Fayetteville Street …. Led by Bradford Marsalis, Shirley Caesar, Doug Clark’s living Hot Nuts, The Embers, The Band of Oz, and the Jordan High School string quartet.  The midget will be on roller skates and serving as Drum Major.

OK, where’s the midget …. Cue the freakin’ midget !!! …. 

    Uh, BobLee, your midget is in the janitor’s closet in the basement of the courthouse coping a feel from Nancy Grace.

…. Uh, excuse me folks.  I have a “small” problem to attend to.  ….. Remember, that organizational meeting is Friday at 3:30 at Dorton Arena. ………. damn midget.


 Without using a map …

Which state is directly below Nebraska?


    As Platinum Pals were told last night ….. it is NOT a Federal Offense to “diss Dean”.  It is however “legal” in Chapel Hill to shoot anyone who does.  Luckily the only ones allowed to have guns in Chapel Hill are severly mentally disturbed kids under 18.

  One reader asked “Ain’t he like the Pope?”  Yes, in many ways he is, but once he steps into the Political Octagon he is fair game. ….. Even Floyd The Left-winger, who got all torqued that I like Fred Thompson, did not bother to defend Deano.

   We have learned that Rosalyn Carter read our column and has invited Dean down to Plains for a sleep-over with Jimmy.  They have redone Miss Lillian’s old room, padded the walls and removed all sharp objects.  

   Jimmy and Dean can play World Domination dressing up like their favorite Socialists dictators and seizing all the assets of their citizens.  On Day Two they will “rewrite the Bible” removing all the “thou shalt nots” and proving that Jesus was the long-lost fifth Kennedy brother.

   Dean asked if he could bring “Gut”.  Rosalyn said he could but “Gut” has to bring his own Smores.


  Do-Rag Caucus Update ……  (Yes, I HAVE copyrighted that name) …. Wilmington has Thomas Not Wright … Fayetteville has Mary McAllister …. Derm has Floyd McKissick …. now The Triad unveils its shining star – Larry Womble.  Larry, a “retired educator” and Do-Rag Caucus member, is now sportin’ a $300,000 Ferrari along Jones Street.  Asked about it by a constituent during a recent General Assembly “smoke break” Larry replied “I’m over 50 and like fancy cars.”  …. maybe Mikey can get himself a job “Drivin’ Mr Womble”.

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