the LEAST of these is Academics

BobLee
January18/ 2000

College sports fans blathering about ACADEMIC INTEGRITY is as hysterically absurd as politicians debating campaign finance reforms.  All sides are clamoring to claim “a higher ground” that everyone knows does not even exist….  Puff up like arrogant toads…. Wave your arms … stamp your feet … cry alligator tears …. Among the Big Three “Concerns” of Academics – Character – Appearance … Academics is the 4th concern of the 3 …. Appearance is #1 and #2, Character is #3.

Before the sun had set last Wednesday (aka Signing Day), every partisan choir was predictably screeching its assigned mantra.   Except this year the assigned mantras were switched around, at least between Carolina and NC State.

During the recently ended Era of Chuck, Signing Day was trumpeted by Wuffs as annual proof of their imminent arrival among the nation’s gridiron elite.  They were forever just one Killian High speedy receiver or cover corner away from BCS Glory.  Meanwhile, according to the regional agenda, Carolina only recruited “Carolina-type of kids” who would fit in perfectly among the Morehead Scholars and future doctors, lawyers, and captains of industry just south of Franklin Street.

Alas, the mangrove swamps of south Florida never produced that Lupine glory … and way too many of those Carolina-type kids were, in reality, Hargrave-type kids, who never drank from the Perian Spring of Knowledge in Jake Wade’s Southern Part of Heaven.

So …. Out with the old and in with the new.  Signing Day 2007 revealed that now its Carolina scooping up double handfuls of multi-starred 18 y/os.  With only a few weeks to learn the territory, Carolina’s newest Willie Lomans of the Gridiron reaped a bushel of faxes on Wednesday … many of which arrived with UNC and SAT both misspelled … according to their rival 28 miles to the East.

Winners tell jokes … and Losers cry ACADEMIC INTEGRITY !!!  Which is exactly what has taken place for the past six years just switching parts.

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 An Aside …. The UNC vs Duke Womens BB game on Thursday night was THE worst BB game I have ever witnessed in Carmichael Auditorium.  I was at the very first Carmichael game in 1965.  The guys from that game are in their 60s today.  They could have beaten the UNC Women by 20 on Thursday night … after spotting them 10.  Last year these two teams played a CLASSIC in Cameron … this one was a “clunker”.  …. Pat Summitt would have taken that team off the court midway the second half and boiled them in oil ….after disemboweling them with a sharp stick.

I had a perfect mid court seat courtesy of Dave From Morganton.  In the second half I moved so I Would have an Obstructed View … it was THAT bad. ….  Anna Nicole and Ivory Latta both had very bad days on Thursday.  Ivory at least will have an opportunity to redeem herself.  ……  Anna Nicole Smith died before Zsa Zsa Gabor … who’d a bet that would happen?

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   A pox on any Big Time College sports fan who pretends to give a rip about Academics.  That is as lame as men buying lap dances at a strip club and pretending to care that the gyrating skank  is somebody’s daughter.

When a partisan fan whines about Academics what he is really talking about is Character and, more importantly, Appearance.

If my recruit or your recruit scores 801 on SAT and gets a D- in cursive writing, we could care less … He MADE IT!  Once he gets in leave it up to the academic advisor magicians to shuffle him thru six semesters of “they actually have a course in THAT” until his eligibility is used up.  We care as much about how they keep him eligible as we do what’s inside a kielbasa sausage.  Don’t ask … don’t tell … stay eligible … and don’t beat up your girlfriend … or a geek outside a club.

Let’s leave the braying fans for a second … invariably we hear peeps from the faculty squirrel peanut gallery about Academics relative to athletes.  Hardy Har Har … the same mangy foul-mouthed atheistic anarchists that go out of their way to heap public embarrassment upon the institution and its alumni at every opportunity.  At least the academically-impaired pseudo-student athletes occasionally generate positive publicity for the school.  Khaliff Mitchell stopped TA on the 6” line … Professor Peeper watched and wanked in an airport restroom … while his mangy faculty cohorts were yelling insults at Armed Forces Recruiters on Franklin Street, lighting votive candles for Mad Mo The Not A Terrorist and helping their wacky Duke buddies bang pots against rich white boys.  Positive Asset Scoreboard … Khaliff – 1 … Faculty – 0. 

Now, back to braying fans.  Raise your hand if you remember The Pissed-off Posse of 2003.  Every man jack one of you remembers … five young men wearing slouchy britches, sideways ballcaps, FUBU t-shirts and scowls sitting on the front row at Dickie’s Infamous Matt Roasting.  The APPEARANCE of those five student athletes registered a 8.5 on the Tar Heel Fan cardiac-arrest-ometer.

My server almost melted that day from the panic-stricken e-mails …. BobLee BobLee is THIS what Carolina Basketball has become?  Within two hours the Internet was filled with side-by-side comparisons of The Pissed-off Posse vs Brad Daugherty and Kenny Smith looking like members of the Harlem Boy Choir singing Ave Maria at The Old Well.

Two years later formerly panic-stricken Carolina fans were naming their new borns Raymond, Sean and Rashad.   ….. OK, nobody actually named their new born Rashad but two UNC lawyer alums at Poyner & Spruill did flash each other the diamond sign during a noon pick-up game at the Y.  Ol’ Roy powerwashed the Pissed-off Posse and everyone was just fine.  It was all about Appearance.

   Never confuse Academics with Character.  Public Education, especially in rural areas of America, trails only Hollywood Entertainment in terms of its complete lack of concern for quality by the people who control the product.  Thanks to the union thugs and dim-witted bureaucrats that control public education, more kids slip thru the cracks of our education system than there are seagulls in a Wal-Mart parking lot.  (Where DO those Wal-Mart seagulls come from anyway? The Wal-Mart in Pierre South Dakota has seagulls in its parking lot … ???).

Between an indifferent public education system and a welfare system that promotes and encourages Father-less families in African-American communities, it’s a wonder any black teenager can spell hip-hop.  That certain ones can run really fast and bench press a Buick is amazing.

When fans express concern that their football program maintain Academic Integrity what they are really saying is (1) Keep’em off the police blotter … and (2) Don’t let’em look like street thugs.  One of the most heralded Carolina Footballers of the past eight years was a major academic risk every day he was a pseudo-student at UNC.  Except for one minor incident, he stayed out of trouble and didn’t dress like a gangsta thug.  His Carolina jersey is a top-seller.

An inability to read, write, or do arithmetic above a 4th grade level does not automatically mean one can not (1) say sir and ma’m or (2) enter a mini-mart without wearing a ski mask and dreadlocks.  Academics and Character are NOT one and the same. 

Cutting to today … 2-3 of Butch’s signees will likely not qualify academically to enroll or be eligible next Fall.  Don’t panic.  That’s about normal.  If that 2-3 ends up being 6-7 … uhh oh.   Until it does … Trust Butch.  Once a recruit hits whatever magic number gets him admitted I believe you can really trust Butch and Coach Blake and their buddies to keep’em off the police blotter and not let’em look like street thugs.  And, really, THAT is what concerns you, isn’t it?  This is BobLee you’re talkin’ too here, not your goofy neighbor with the bad lawn.

Now … if you sneak over and read the trash on Wuff message boards you will no doubt hear wild stories of Butch’s new recruits terrorizing nunneries and pillaging girl scout camps and rampaging thru sorority houses.  In other words the exact same flatuous crap Caro-shineolas make up all the time about State players … and Duke basketball players.

I thought all you guys knew … there is an on-line service you can subscribe to called ReallyReally ScandalousCrapYouCanSayAboutTheirPlayersThatNormalPeopleWouldNeverBelieveButNormal PeopleAren’tGoingToVisitThisWebsiteAnyway. com.  Every week they make-up some outrageous BS and you just insert the name of one of your rival’s star players as the perp.  Rivals and Scout fan forums have contests each week to see which one can get the most gullible nitwits to believe …

“(Name of their star player)  did  ( insert bizarre sex act)  to  (insert  young boy/girl/farm animal)  after taking  (insert name of illegal substance)! … but the damn  (insert name of local paper or Dave Glenn)  will never report it because they are out to get (insert “us”).”  

To Carolina fans worried that Butch Davis is going to harm the Academic Integrity of our school.  I never thought I’d say this but … Your time will be better spent worrying about Global Warming (cough, wink, guffaw)… Katie’s Couric’s dismal ratings (guffaw again!) … or why Nancy Pelosi never blinks.  Some of Butch’s recruits DO look a little scary right now.  By September they will be cleaned up and presentable.  This ain’t The Pale Rider’s First Rodeo.  He knows what fans REALLY mean when they say Academics. …. And so do you and I.

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Eddie Feigner died on Friday.  Eddie deserved 10X the coverage of Anna Nicole.  He truly was something special.  Who was Eddie Feigner? 

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    George Webster was Duffy Daugherty’s rover/linebacker in 1966.  Bubba Smith was a Defensive End.

   I was a last minute Fat Cat Fill-in for Saturday’s UNC-WFU bloodbath.  Ol’ Roy shoulda put Biscuit in to shoot the 100.  Ol’ Roy is no fun.  MJ’s shoulders have actually gotten WIDER since he retired … either that or he was wearing one of Joan Collins’ old padded shoulder suits from Dynasty.  MJ’s shoulders are wider than Sam Perkins wingspan !!!

   The IRONY of honoring the ’57 Team at a UNC – Wake game … it was Wake Forest that was UNC’s bitterest rival in ’57 … four games decided by a total of less than 10 points !!!  YIKES!

   BIG THANKS to BobLee Buddy “Boots” for pointing out that Duke’s Jon Scheyer is a dead ringer for McCauley Culkin.

   A reader asked me when will Coach K get a technical.  I said when he gets out of the friendly confines of Cameron … which protects him like Wolverton Mountain protected Clifton Clowers’ pretty young daughter. …… damn, where do I come up with these gems?

   Former John Bunting Assistants Dave Brock and Danny Pearman have been hired at Kansas State and Duke respectively.  An Assistant FB Coach at Duke … that’s like being named a General in Mussolini’s Army.  40 Point and Marv are still un-hired.

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