Another Day in Paradise w/ Mack Brown

January18/ 2000

… Dear Diary: Its Monday the 8th…. Tonight is some big game I’m supposed to care about but don’t really… This morning I had my usual coffee and English muffin then heard from Mack Brown … then the Publisher of the N&O … then a Liberal Leader of the Duke 88 … then a longtime reader who blames the whole Lacrosse scandal on Larry Miller being a horndog … then Jerry on WLS in Chicago … then a brave crusading editor in Asheville … and Bobbi Gentry reported that 38 Shineys jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge last night over that Butch & Huizinga report….yep, just another day here in Paradise.

This reminds me of that joke about an intellectual  is someone who can hear The William Tell Overture and NOT think about The Lone Ranger.  Some of you actually clicked Read More because I used Mack’s name in the title.  Yes, I did hear from the Right Reverend  Brown this morning which surprised me not one iota.  I was positive I would hear from him.  But beyond Mack, there is SOOOOO much of incredible interest in that teaser above … and every single element is the gospel truth from The Book of BobLee.

As noted, I kinda had a feeling that last column was an Angie Dickinson …. It had legs.  Yep, it got sent all sorts of places and seen by all sorts of people.  It made it to the west coast and back faster than an F-15 on afterburner.  By 7:00 PM Friday night the speech that Orage never gave was being carved on stone tablets in every J-school in America.  William Randolph Herst hisownself came to me like Jacob Marley’s ghost in the night to simply say “BobLee, you rock, dude!” …. Ol’ Randy himself.

OK, lets get the Mack Brown and Pale Rider in Miami stuff outta the way.

Recall my pal Riverwalk Bobby Cohen?  Riverwalk and his lovely Pam had squired Reverend & Mrs Brown around San Antone a week ago.  I dropped Mack a note relative to that having happened.  I sent the e-mail Sunday night. I heard from Mack at 9:15 Monday AM to no surprise.

Mack He Lied To Dem Boys Brown is THE BEST coach in America at responding to correspondence.  I was maybe in the 2nd or 3rd 1,000 people Mack knew way back when he was at UNC.   It didn’t matter.  I knew Mack would respond.  He did.  His reply was personal albeit short and courteous.  It was absolutely appropriate to the situation.

As Burly John was settling into the office with Sallie’s fish tank six years ago I tried to impress upon him how valuable that respond to correspondence feature could be for him if times ever got a mite testy around the Kenan Center.  I didn’t impress well enough alas.

John figured all his blue bleeding would suffice.  During those last few Countdown To Adios months, I would hear from assorted Fat Cats and good people fans that they had sent John hang in there notes … and never got any sort of acknowledgement from his office.  Eventually they said to hell with it and eventually John was gone.  Coincidence??  …. Mack Brown has a ring and a 10-year contract at Butch+ bucks.  Mack responded to my little note right away.  You do the math.


I told the Platinum Pals Sunday night that The Pale Rider had recently been sighted at Miami Dolphins HQ sharing a golf cart with Wayne Blockbuster Huizinga.  True, he was.  I knew I had a few Shineola covert operatives among the PPals and word would quickly get back to the main herd.   It did.  I also knew that news would result in at least 38 of the pathetic little boogers doing a Triple Lindy off the Tallahatchie Bridge … and it did. … within the first hour.

There are at least 108 logical reasons Butch and Wayne would be sharing a golf cart one of which being meditation as we know that’s what Butch most likes to do in a golf cart.  And there’s always “talk to potential staff”  nah, thats silly.  Reason 109, of course, is to discuss Wayne buying out Butch’s deal w/ Dickie and bringing him in as the next to-be-former coach of The Fish.  I knew the Shineys would jump right to #109 and head for the bridge while proclaiming Butch as the very latest LowDown Lying Weasel (LDLW).  Nick Saban was #1 LDLW for a few days then Bobby Petrino took over the title.  It’s not Butch of course, but it will be somebody else really soon.  There always the NEXT low down lying weasels just an ESPN rumor away..

.. So chill boys and girls, Butch is still trying to figure out why Choo Choo was such a big deal, but don’t tell the Shineys.  I figure another 6-8 of’em might still try that Triple Lindy off of Bobby Gentry’s bridge.  Everyone we lose is a step forward for the evolution of the species.

OK, We need to discuss grown-up stuff.  Board Children scoot … don’t let the screen door hit you in … SLAM … oops too late.


   While yours truly was composing his latest “best ever” epistle last Friday … in a secret chamber hidden away in the Duke Chapel, Dr Cathy Davidson was also deep in thought.  Dr Cathy is a high falutin’ Fellow of some distinction among those that cavort in the world of obscenly well-endowed academe.  More importantly to us … Dr Cathy was a ringleaders of The Duke 88 (aka The Hang’em High and Hang’em RIGHT NOW Club) that scared the bejeebers out of President Backpedaling Brodhead back in April.

Dr Cathy & Her Cohorts slapped a vise grip on the invertebrate Prez’s you-know-whats and turned the crank a few notches until Ol’ Backpedal was throwing lacrosse boys under buses faster than one could spell Krzyzewski.

In her Point of View commentary on Friday in Orage Quarles (we’ll get to him in a few minutes) newspaper, Dr Cathy explained her reasoning for why they strung Ol’ Backpedal up by his privates … basically it’s the same reason there’s Global Warming, poverty in Africa, and the designated hitter … which is it’s Mike Nifong’s fault.

A 3rd grader at Hope Valley Elementary actually used that last week as to why he didn’t have his homework … Mikey Nifong ate it.   In Derm its considered the official excuse for everything.

Dr Cathy used all the liberal buzz words in proper syntax and subject-verb agreement and I was reading it in cruise control when I hit a favorite speedbump … Cathy was being harrassed by Right Wing Blog Hooligans … BINGO, WE HAVE A WINNER … COME ON DOWN!

I knew right then me and Dr Cathy Davidson the high falutin’ Fellow at Duke had us a date w/ destiny.  Early Saturday I introduced myself to Dr Cathy.

Apparently she had read Mack Brown’s book because she wrote me right back … and I wrote her back  … and she wrote back to my write back … and .. and … until finally Mizzus came in and suggested why don’t you two just get a room.  The irony of which is not lost on anyone I hope.  (Dr Cathy is reading this right now and just spit her double latte all over her leather jacket … happens all the time Cathy … most folks wear a bib when they visit here!).

Dr Cathy tried a few blurbs of liberal talking points but the sound of my snoring pervaded the Internet ether and she decided what the heck, why not just talk to this guy like a normal human being.  She found my weakness – intelligent banter.

We quickly compared every opinion we have on anything like Emily Proctor checking finger prints on CSI Miami and in no time We Had One Match.  Just one but who’d a figured even one?  We both have very low regard for Internet hooligans.  I introduced Dr Cathy to left wing blog hooligans.  A species she was unfamiliar with.   I explained how left wing and right wing blog hooligans all share the same obscene adjectives.  Lefty hooligans use Nazis and racists as their standard insulting nouns but the F-bomb quantity of either hooligans’ e-mails is pretty even.

So BobLee The Internet Legend and Dr Cathy The Fancy Duke Fellow bonded right there over F-bombs and the shared opinion that Mikey Crash Nifong may be THE dumbest sumbitch there’s ever been and that includes Derm’s former City Manager who was a real lulu.   This also proved the old adage that contrasting socio-political ideologies are better bridged with humor than by banging a  pot or lighting a votive candle

We continue to e-dialogue.  When, not if, Mikey (aka Crash) is eventually hung from the flagpole at Bulls Ball Park, me and Dr Cathy will hold hands and sing the Melissa Ethridge song of her choice (with Cathy wearing a Rush Is Right t-shirt) …shhhhh,  I haven’t told her that part yet.  Lets surprise her, OK.


   Moving right along … in Sunday’s Asheville Citizen-Times, Executive Editor Susan Ihne issued a public apology for the erroneous reporting their paper had done on The Nifong Mess.  In a shallow grave somewhere, John Peter Zenger spit up embalming fluid all over himself.  A Newspaper Apologize … that’s even rarer than a Big Time Coach fulfilling a signed contract.  This time I spit up my Maxwell House on my keyboard.  … and I promptly sent copies of this journalistic phenomenon to Matt Drudge, Pinch Shultzberg, and Bernie Reeves … all the great publishers I had in my contact file. … then I sent one to Orage Quarles ……… Ms Ihne also used the It’s Mikey’s Fault gambit.

If this Stoopid DA & The Rather Confused Ho can limp along another 60 days, Crash might pass the dreaded Dickie Line at which point he is responsible for all natural OR man made disasters until an even more hapless scapegoat comes along.

Orage, bless his heart, fired back with two Ryne Duren wild pitches that were so far out of the strike zone I could not have hit them with a John Edwards’ posing shovel.  It was like if I had said Orage, what time is it? and he had answered back Grapefruit. ??

All this is happening Monday between 9 AM and 2 PM (said in a deep Jack Bauer voice).

So I had a task ahead of me.  Orage, this is THE BobLee.  Yes, THAT one.  Take the paper clip out of your ear, son, and pretend you give a damn.   So we e-bantered a few volleys.

N&O Ombudsman Ted Vaden joined in.  Ted and Orage separately offered me columnist Ruth Sheehan’s lovely head on a platter if that would constitute an apology.  Apparently saying the word apology to a publisher is like saying Make Sense to a Shineola … its an alien expression.  What the two intrepid newspaper guys did not know is RUTH is a BobLee Buddy…  (actually now w/ Dr Cathy, I can say one of my Lib Lady Pals!)

Yes, Ruth only makes extreme left turns and yes she really thought exotic dancers danced exotically, but she is a dutiful mommy and most people in Cary hate her … two goods reasons I like her.

I would NOT accept Ruth’s head on a platter as adequate restitution for the N&O’s gross misreporting of The Nifong Mess.  They sweetened the deal with a shoe box full of Melanie Sill’s oatmeal/chocolate chip macaroons.

I told them to take arrogant columnists Jim Jenkins and Rob Christenson up on the roof and throw them into South McDowell Street at 5 PM.  Orage asked if that would count as an apology.  I said no, but it would greatly improve his newspaper. ….  They promised to get back to me on Tuesday with another deal.

   Oh, that Larry Miller the horndog thing.  A longtime reader posed an interesting theory … the lacrosse boys are GUILTY whether they are guilty or not BECAUSE back in the 60s guys like UNC’s Larry Miller were sexually irresponsible and were given good grades without doing any work.  This came from a longtime reader so I have to give it credibility.  I think me, Yea Olde Legend, Chief Beaumont, and Alonzo Squires need to meet for lunch at Squids and discuss that one. ….. Larry Miller – Yvette Mimeaux – Precious –  Lacrosse boys … ouch … my hair is hurting …. See ya!.


?What is the link between The Triple Lindy and MASH 4077?   


   GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY was the answer to “CHIEPS” when the groundskeeper discovered he had misspelled CHIEFS in the end zone.

   The Sutherlands, Keifer and Donald, were both in A Time To Kill.

   Someone keep watching to see when Nancy Pelosi first “blinks”.  The previous record for “time between blinks” for a House Speaker was 83 seconds.  Nancy is now at six days.

   We saw the Marshall movie.  I thought it was “just OK”.  Could not figure if Matthew McConaughey’s character was really smart or a Chauncey Gardner?

   In the next column BobLee will refute all the dopey Football National Champion PlayOff Bunk … he’ll explain the real reason “it’ll never work”.  Its a logic that will so confuse the Shineys, another 128 of’em’ll go off the Tallahatchie Bridge.

   That’s about it here for now … oh … one of THE Signature Moments in Internet History is headed this way in the next week or so.  But don’t sweat it.  BobLee’s got it covered.  

 Want to e-mail BobLee?    [email protected]  

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