Ashlee AWFUL!

January17/ 2000

 Bring back Up With People, The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, The Flying Elvises, Tiny Tim ANYBODY… The FedEx Orange Bowl Halftime Show was THE MOST PATHETIC show of its ilk in recorded history… Janet’s breast, J-Lo’s butt AND Angelina Jolie’s lips collectively could not have saved that debacle… We had a special agent on the scene.  For his report and how this assures that the Apocalypse is nigh read on …

   Remember the “good old days”.  Gather the family around the RCA Victor 18”, adjust the rabbit ears just so, pop some “Jiffy Pop” on the stove and enjoy “the Orange Bowl Halftime Show”.  Even after The Super Bowl became “the football extravaganza”, The Orange Bowl continued to be “as good as it got”.  

   As the teams ran off the field, 4-5 giant floats would magically appear from each corner and move out to the center like elephant ballerinas.  Hundreds of “happy young people” bedecked in pastel jumpsuits would swarm all over the grass (like the final scene in every James Bond movie when the missile countdown commences and the pastel colored bad guy army shoots at James as he and the wench du’jour avoid the shark tank …) 

  Your Swagger Truly was on the Orange Bowl sidelines in 1970 with the giant floats, etc.  It was quite cool.  Fast forward 35 years later.  OK, maybe that’s a ways to “fast forward” but anyway, here we are.

   Ashlee Simpson is Jessica Simpson’s younger sister.  Jessica is, of course, the Chicken of The Sea bimbo ditz married to Nick LeShay … Nick is one of those aged out former boy band yellers who is NOT named Justin.  Justin had Britney for awhile … Nick has Jessica … every gangsta in LA had Christina but that’s another story.  Jessica was the blond bimbette who was NOT a Mouseteer … neither was Ashlee, which finally brings us back to the mess from Tuesday night.

   Jessica’s 15 minutes of mall bimbo-fame was just about over when she and Nick did their “newly wed” reality show a few years ago where she was recreated from simply being a a chesty blond virginal lust object for Clearasil Cowboys to being a chesty blond non-virginal bimbo ditz.  Her extra 10 minutes of fame allowed little sister Ashlee just enough room to squeeze onto the national stage.

   Jessica is also playing Daisy Duke in the movie remake of Dukes of Hazzard.  She is probably more suited for Daisy Mae Yokum in a remake of Li’l Abner.  Ashlee, as the sportsworld learned Tuesday night has no business on any stage except one owned by Wells Fargo and headed out of town.

   Ashlee’s “performance” at halftime was so bad it made the Oklahoma Sooners performance in the first half look marvelous by comparison.  Remember, the Sooners were so pathetic Miami Parks & Recreation had already invoked the 10 TD rule and called the game.  Ashlee was MUCH worse than Jason White’s worst nightmare (which he seems to have every early January!).  Was the OU Def Coordinator in charge of Ashlee’s show?  

   I don’t know crap about singing and certainly not “pop singers”.  I don’t impose my limited tastes on the entertainment industry.  Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow are “the best” concerts I’ve ever been to … enough said.  I accept the reality that these national audience TV extravaganzas are not aimed at me.  Having Ashlee Simpson wailing like a trash-out Maybelline queen who just had her hand slammed in a car door was aimed at WHO?  It wasn’t obscene or “public porno” … it was simply a no-talent bimbette making a total fool of herself in front of 20,000,000 people.

   Heavy metal, rappers, and squalling bimbos have become the norm for Super Bowls and such.  But this was waaaay beyond just “bad”.  Imagine the most pitiful middle school “talent show” you have ever had to sit through because a friend of your kid was in charge of raising the curtain.  Ashlee Simpson is that pitiful child that has you sticking your fingers in your ears and running screaming from the cafetorium.

   I said I had a special agent on the scene.  Remember “Mayor Matt” Roberts, former Grand Poobah of Tar Heel Town?  Matt is now Sports Marketing Impressario for Univ of Oklahoma.  Not only was “he there”, he was standing right next to the scene of the musical crime alongside P. “freaking” Diddy.  Yes, Matt and P. Diddy were witnesses to the whole shebang.

   Go back a month … Ashlee’s agent somehow finagled her a spot on Saturday Night Live.  She tried to pull a Milli Vanilli lip synch and the audio got out of synch … she panicked and ran off stage.  She shoulda run out of Pro Player Stadium too.

   According to Matt (and “P”), Ashlee was an obnoxious prima donna to begin with.  American Idoler Kelly Clarkson preceded Ashleee and had her own audio troubles but in Ashlee’s case the problem was the microphones WERE ON.  The saving grace to her horrible singing was her lousy “dancing”.  Picture a trashily dessed pop-tart running barefoot across a scalding hot tin roof … it was worse than that!

   I know what you asking … YES, I did ask Matt if Mr. Diddy had any comments on J Lo’s butt realizing that the Diddy hand that Matt shook had likely touched that aforementioned world renown posterior.  Apparently not. 

   Final nail in Ashlee’s coffin … I read a report from a guy that was watching in a sports bar where the sound was turned off and the words shown in a cyron running along the bottom of the screen.  He said the words to whatever she was singing were as stoopid as she looked squalling and jumping around.  Those must have been some VERY stoopid words.

If she hurries, maybe Ashlee can get her old job back … assistant ear piercer at Piercings R Us at the Lone Star Mall in Euless Texas.

   What’s next … Ashlee marries William Hung and ABC covers their honeymoon 24/7. You don’t know who William Hung is?  Trust me, he’s perfect for Ashlee Simpson.  They can do a duet to open the 2008 Olympics!


Swagger’s Stumper

Who sang the National Anthem at “Janet’s Super Bowl?

HINT:  Another world class “booty”


Lawrence Welk’s Orchestra were The Champagne Musicmakers.

LJVMC = Lawrence Joel Veterans Memorial Coliseum in Winston-Salem … my choice for best spectator friendly arena in the ACC.   

A GREAT time w/ Mt Holly Rotary earlier this week.  A fine bunch of Wuffies and Heels laughing together in a church fellowship hall … Mt Holly is now officially Swagger Country!

BobLee had an AWFUL day on Friday … SIX HOURS dealing with Symantec Technical Support trying to upgrade my Norton Anti-Virus.  The first software company to train their Calcutta tele-supporters to actually speak intelligible English will put the rest out of bizness.  Am I the only one who finds that very annoying?  If John Kerry had made that campaign promise he might have won my vote … naaah!

[email protected]

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x