December 5, 2021
… he lied to ‘dem boys
As we approach BLSays #2500 or so … I cannot recall a moment of sheer YES !!! as I experienced this morning.
I’ve known for several days what today’s title would be …that all-time UNC board monkey lament from December 1997 … “… he lied to ‘dem boys” … as Mack Brown snuck off to Austin.
Unlike Douglas MacArthur, Mack did not promise “I shall return” but SURPRISE … HE DID!
Like every smart alecky columnist, I get asked a lot “what is your creative process in writing your stuff?”
Mine is bassackwards. I … (1) Come up with a catchy title … (2) Find a visual image to convey the title … (3) Write 800-1000 words about that title / image.
So I needed “a visual image” for the annual Coaching Carrousel that hits Big Time College Football every Nov/Dec. My muse dd not disappoint.
Young Brandon deWilde beseeching “Shane” (Alan Ladd) to “Come Back, Shane” as Shane rides off into the sunset having dispatched the bad guys who were harassing the farmers. .… YES!
(… Including ultimate “bad guy” / UNC alumnus Jack Palance … is THAT a coincidence or WHAT?)
Of course in the down the rabbit hole world of BigTimeCollegeFB once the beloved coach “lies to ‘dem boys” (and they ALL do!) and skedaddles; not nary an over-caffeinated board monkey begs that “lying sumbitch” to “ever show his lyin’ ass on our sacred campus ever again”.
Quite the contrary … they heap obscene curses aplenty upon his immortal soul … and the souls of his no-count mamma and his dog.
Brandon deWilde would NEVER do that to Shane. Lincoln Riley … Brian Kelly … Mario Cristobal … et al ain’t Shane.
Good luck finding anyone in Norman OK named “Riley” these days … or anyone named “Nifong” in Derm since 2006.
Before I give my totally sans emotion appraisal of the short term future of Ye Olde Flagship’s Football Fortunes, I have a request to make.
YOU MUST go back and read the Reader Comments from that last column … “and losers say deal”.
There are some humdingers including several classics from “Coach” / CNR that you won’t find anywhere else. Several references to Beth Dutton’s Four Formulas For Success … plus a Salma Hayek /”Snake Dance” comment.
“Coach” for those who may have missed it … is no longer in Beaumont TX. He now lives in Freakin’ CHINA. In some giant metropolis with an unpronounceable name and bazillions of Chinese who can’t possibly appreciate the Living Legend amongst’em. Coach’s son is a Global Tech Mogul … and surprised his Mom and Dad with a beach house in Wherever, China.
So, we got ourselves Coach In China and “Thai” playing piano in a Bangkok whorehouse. Is this a cool website … or what?
Somewhat Related … this past September, ANGIE DICKINSON turned 90 !!! Yes, “Feathers” /”Pepper Anderson” is 90! Maybe you can wrap your head around that … I can’t. Nope … can’t do it.
UNC Football ? Back in early September, in the 3rd quarter of “The Night The Dream Bubble Burst” in Lane Stadium, I remarked to Blondie …
“OMG! Mack looks like he did those last two years in Austin. Uh Oh“
To be more descriptive … Mack looked like he had wandered away from Carolina Meadows’ Level Three Facility … with no clue where he was or what flavor Jell-O he had just had for dinner. Was there a Silver Alert out for him?
When Bubba shocked the Western Hemisphere and officially kicked-off MACK IS BACK three years ago, Mack looked “maybe 60″… and ready for BUDS training at Parris Island. OK, maybe not THAT fit … but fit for a 70 y/o guy.
On that fateful Sept evening in Blacksburg his Faustian bargain came due. The portrait of Dorian Brown in Kenan Football Center was melting. 70 y/o Mack looked every day of a hard 80.
As every over-caffeinated board monkey on Franklin Street watched helplessly … “the sleeping giant” never awoke … except for the annual unexplainable beatdown of Wake Forest …. If you count beating Duke and Wofford you have “issues”. All aboard for Christmas In Shreveport! … Actually it will be The Duke’s Mayo Bowl.
Can’t you just see UNC coaches /players wearing cheap watches with “Duke” and “Mayo” on them? Haa!
The UNC PR Machine will now be trying to sell the recruiting thing … and a certain % of hard-core Blue Kool-Aid drinkers will buy it. Hey, it’s all those sad souls got. The same bunch that still thinks the AfAm Eligibility Scandal was just a bad dream … and that “Butch” woulda won us three NatChamps by now if only Marvin had not hit SEND.
Sam Howell deserved better that he got. That kid is a “gamer”. Hope his NFL career goes better than Mitch Trubisky’s did. OUCH!
Summarizing The Coaching Carrousel …
Lincoln Riley … could do REALLY well IF USC “Prez Chihuahua” – SHE’s FROM DARTMOUTH – gives him $3M to go get this week’s DC Guru to run his Defense.
FWIW: Is Lincoln Riley the first former G-Vegas resident to move to LA … since ECU’s Coed Porn Star– Carter Cruise? Someone google that one. I bet Henry Hinton will know.
Brian Kelly … LSU’s loss is ND’s gain. What A Jerk! His attempt to be “Cajun” when introduced at LSU was as pathetic as “Hillary attempting to be black…” LSU HAD “a for real Cajun” in Ed O … but being “a for real Cajun” was his undoing as his series of off-field antics became an SNL skit.
Mario Cristobal … all he’s gotta do is go into Liberty City and Killian HS with a pocketful of Benjamins and promises to provide every gangbanger with a supply of South Beach blond bimbos and unlimited 9mm ammo … and The Glory Days of The U might come back. Hey, why not use the Scarface Mansion as the new Football Center?
DUKE … I would go get the guy at Army ASAP. “Getting the guy from Army” always works each time Duke does it … right? His triple-option will be worth 2-3 Ws a year which is about all Duke dozen or so fans need.
UVA … Bronco was as good as The Hoos are ever gonna get. They are doomed to 5-7 / 6-6 / 7-5 forever… because “Thomas Jefferson once owned slaves”.
VaTech … if they wanted a life-time assistant as HC why not just rehire Bud Foster? Bud already knows the lyrics to Enter Sandman.
Notre Dame … hire the clean well-spoken young black guy. Sure, why not? They already checked that box with Ty Willingham but what the heck. Betcha he lasts longer at ND than Kelly will at LSU.
There is soooo much more I could say about all this silly crap. Thats why God invented “next week”.