First, We Kill All The... Refs and Umps.

Nov 4, 2019

First; We kill all the… Referees & Umpires

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Acknowledgement to The Bard for paraphrasing his oft-misunderstood suggestion regarding “Lawyers”… choosing to apply his ultimate solution to those who officiate sports competitions.

NOTE: I am still reeling from Bre’r Kennel’s admitting that he has “never heard of JILL WAGNER” !!! I was sure BK had personally taught her the Wuff finger thingy. My shock was tempered when I realized JILL has never heard of Kennel either. OUCH!

It’s November when our thoughts turn to green bean casseroles and creamed sweet potatoes with tiny marshmallows on top… (Did the Pilgrims have tiny little marshmallows?) … and to how “our team” would surely go to a for-real Bowl where it NOT for those *&*%#% referees.

The annual – monthly – weekly – daily – hourly attacks by foam-fingered loons and by losing coaches on the referees / umpires / anyone in any position of authority over anything seems to intensify about this time each year.

For those college / pro football fans who have not already collected their few remaining chips and shuffled off to the 24/7 buffet and dreams of “Next Year will be Our Year”… “Games” start to matter now. If games EVER “matter”.

A single “call / no call” by a blind, incompetent and/or (obviously) on-the-take referee can suddenly make Life meaningless for those who invest their self-worth on “calls, no calls”.

OK, I appreciate that a “no-call” against The NO Saints last year sent LA Rams to The SB instead of The Saints forever altering NFL history… and… Jim Knight’s call reversal on you-know-who’s knee on Kenan’s one-yard line sent Charles “Chuck” Amato from being The King of Carter-Finley to an assistant coach for the Akron Zips … and… Umpire Don Denkinger’s Oops DID cost The Cardinals the 1985 World Series. But other than those anomalies Mrs Lincoln… how was The Play?

Long before sports fans “played solitaire with decks of 51” over how to Pay College Athletes, they gathered “wherever wings are hot, there are 200+ brands of beer, and 50+ big screen TVs” to endlessly bemoan what to do about those AWFUL referees and umpires.

Did You Know That… All Five Power5 conferences AGREE that “Our Conference Has THE Worst Referees”… and fans of Every Power5 team are sure that “Our Team gets more bad calls against US than all those other teams put together”.

Actually both those statements apply to All conferences and All teams in disorganized sports… but – as We All Know – ONLY Power5 conferences and its teams Matter. Sorry about that App State, Bowling Green, ECU, Boise et al…

If you overhear some drunk foghorn wailing that “they should have full-time officials” you might remind Mr Foghorn that MLB umpires and NBA referees ARE full-time… which will not deter Mr Foghorn but might earn you an obscene gesture.

The oft-suggestion that NFL referees be “full-time” – for refereeing 18-20 games/year max – is like suggesting being a Mall Santa Claus or a census-taker oughta be a full-time gig.

That said… NFL refs – NBA refs – MLB umpires all make (average) around $200,000/year with there being more $$$ with experience. Gawd only knows how much MLB’s “Cowboy Joe” West makes. “They say” that Joe called Satchel Paige’s first game in 1927 and his last in 1966. Joe is still infuriating MLB fans and players alike today. Joe has been an MLB ump for 40 years and over 5,000 games.

“Cowboy Joe” grew up in Greenville NC and played football at ECU but – to the best of my knowledge – is NOT a candidate for ECU’s vacant Chancellor du jour, but one never knows.

The road to The NFL for referees usually starts in Pop Warner or Jr Hi games and works up thru many 100s of games at obscure colleges over 15-20 years and involves on-going extensive testing on rules and video reviews of performances. Hard to imagine any further qualifications other than, of course, “never make a questionable call / no call against “my team”.

Yes… athletes are bigger, stronger, faster than ever before which does alter the dynamics of split-second decision-making. In MLB, there are now 100s of pitchers who can throw 100 mph. It IS harder to follow the flight of a 100 mph fastball than it is a 90 mph fastball when “an 1″ off the plate” can win/lose a game.

Is some high-tech-AI-robo-umpire the answer? As soon as I figure out how “they” do that imaginary yellow-line on a football field I will work on “the How” of a robo-ump.

Do you want instant replay on every play in every game in every sport… OR just on the calls / no calls that affects “your team”? Thats what I figured. Then games in all sports would be like Pakistani cricket matches which can last 3-5 DAYS.

I maintain that as much as fans and coaches bitch and moan about lousy refs / umps… they serve a unique role in the down-the-rabbit-hole insanity of sports.

They give fans something tangible to blame their teams’ losses on. Simply being out-played or out-coached on a given day is, of course, never an option. God created “commissioners” as a back-up excuse to “the damn refs”.

Somewhere in Wuff-Nation this AM there IS a flaming nitwit blaming the damn refs for that Massacre @ BBT @ Not Dixie Classic Fairgrounds on Saturday. You KNOW there is one out there. Don’t let it be YOU.

The other 99% of WuffNation are cussin’ either Dave Doeren and/or Dave Huxtable… and there’s Kennel who is still giddy over Trea Turner as well he should be.

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Speaking of Firing Coaches and Gianormous Buy-Outs…

Yeah, I’m speaking to You Seminole Fans… but, not to worry, there will be 3-4 other fan bases joining you in the next few weeks.

THAT $18,000,000 Willie will collect for less than two woeful seasons in Tallahassee WILL NOT cause the lights to dim in FSU classrooms. The campus grass WILL be cut. Osceola’s war pony Renegade WILL get his daily oats and carrots.

Buy-Out Bucks are Monopoly Money. Schools agree to the silly things because their Biggest Big Buck Fat Cats Boosters DEMAND they “pay whatever it takes” to go hire ______ to Save Our Program.

Inevitably those same Big Buck Fat Cat Boosters DEMAND they “pay whatever it takes” to “get rid of ______ because he is an incompetent jackass”. … sigh.

Big Buck Fat Cat Boosters have A LOT more Big Bucks than they do Common Sense.

Managing a Hedge Fund (whatever they are ??) OR… owning 135 Jiffy-Lubes across the Southeast OR… winning a class-action suit against Big Pharma or Big Tobacco or Big Chemical can earn a fella MORE $$$ than his three ex-wives could spend in three lifetimes.

Every Power5 AD has his Big Buck Fat Cat Boosters in his phone memory ranked by Net Worth. He simply starts “dialing for their dollars” remindin’em they knew this day would come.

They ante-up The Buy-Out… Willie walks with a very fat wallet… and the whole silly system does Lather – Rinse – Repeat all over again…

And America enters its first week in 6+ years in which “Beto” is not running for something.