November 14, 2025
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NOTE: What the heck is “a board monkey”?
For those among you who have NOT read at least 100 of the 2500+ incredible insights posted here, I should explain what “board monkeys” are.
“Board monkeys” are a sub-species of humanity that crawled out of the primordial ooze of “the Internet” around 30 years ago.
They come in all sizes, shapes and jersey colors. They infest every fan base of every team in every sport on the planet. Specifically, they dominate the fan message “boards” of all those teams. Hence the “board” in “board monkeys”.
“In the beginning” (mid-late 1990s) there were a couple of national “platforms” that hosted these HIGHLY partisan fan discussion “forums” for college and pro teams in every sport.. “Rivals” was one and I forgot the other. They may still be around for all I know.
Imagine each sports team having its own MSNBC and/or The View with goggle-eyed lunatics screaming 24/7 in ALLCAPS at other goggle-eyed lunatics over which lunatic oughta be AD, GM or Owner of “their team” because ___________.
Common characteristics of “board monkeys” …
- They dislike the current head coach of “their team” … the AD / GM of “their team … whatever “media” covers “their team”. They disliked the head coach … AD/GM … “media” before the current ones … and will quickly dislike the head coach … AD/GM … “media” that replaces the current ones.
- The only folks on earth they dislike more than those above are ANYONE in any way associated with their HATED RIVAL(s). THAT level of toxic HATE is matched only by Hakeem “Dollar Store Obama” Jeffries’ HATE for Donald Trump. YIKES!
- They firmly believe their team is “a sleeping juggernaut” if not for the incompetence of the current staff (see above) and – with a Big Name Coach – capable of making each “board monkey” enjoy a vicarious, albeit false, success otherwise unattainable by his own abilities or lack of.
- “Board monkeys” are “the cockroaches of sports”. Impossible to eradicate. Destined to forever haunt every team in every sport forever and ever … amen.
The purpose of today’s treatise is to WARN every AD at every Power4 school – from for-real Juggernauts to wannabee Juggernauts …. DO NOT Pay Attention To – or give the slightest credence to – ANY suggestion – advice – or threats from your “board monkeys” relative to the employment of your current head coach or any future head coach.
They don’t know Jack **** !!!!
“Watching Paul Finebaum religiously” and “finishing 4th three years in a row in their local sports bar’s fantasy league” ARE NOT the curriculum vitae of anyone you should seek counsel from.
Lets cite several specifics …
Lets use our friends in the Dump Dour Dave ‘R Us Society over at NC State. Their 10 year crusade to oust Dour Dave was likely thwarted AGAIN by Dour Dave’s annual “signature upset win” over GaTech.
Lets suppose “they” HAD been successful in ousting Dour Dave two years ago. Lets suppose Boo The AD did NOT go after a Big Name Coach but rather announced he had hired “the guy at Group of Five’s James “Freakin” Madison” . Aaaaiiiieeeeee!
The Dump Dour Dave Society woulda hung Boo The AD in effigy as memories of TOM REED clogged their twisted colons.
That Whozit coach at James Madison two years ago was a guy named – CURT CIGNETTI ….
Not one single Wolfpack board monkey woulda had him among their Top 50 choices. The board monkeys at Indiana likely were not too excited when he was hired by their idiot AD.
Curt Cignetti right now is THE Hottest Coach Not Named Lane Kiffen in all of Power4 World.
OK, an anomaly you say. So lets try this. To replace a Dour Dave (who ain’t goin’ no where this year except to another WhoZit Bowl) or a Brian Kelly or a James Franklin or a ………
It HAS To Be someone with an impressive / proven W-L record as a Head Coach… Right?
So it can NOT be the Next …..
Ryan Day
Kirby Smart
Dan Lanning
Brent Key
Kenny Dillingham
Marcus Freeman
OR
DABO SWINNEY
Because each of those “pretty darn successful” Head Coaches are in their FIRST Head Coaching gig! They were each hired at a Big Time Football School WITHOUT Head Coaching Experience.
So, I close this segment of today’s incredibly insighful commentary by repeating my stern admonition …
“Power4 ADs: As many of you search for your next Head Football Coach to regain and/or reach Juggernaut status ….
…. DO NOT Listen To Your Board Monkeys ….
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OK, admit it …. that stuff above about those coaches kinda blew you away …. didn’t it? THATs why you keep coming here year after year after year ……….. HAA!
As Drake Maye rapidly evolves into a 23 y/o NFL Living Legend QB … already in the panteon of ACC / NFL Greats with the likes of Roman Gabriel, Norm Snead, Sonny Jurgenson, Russell Wilson, Philip Rivers, et al …. are the board monkeys on PackPride regurgitating Drake’s misspoken trite snarky comment about NC State’s academic / athletic prowess he made in his debut as UNC’s QB 4-5 years ago?
The #1 Rule Of Hated Rivals is Once Said … NEVER Forgotten …. which is why “Amphibious” still elicts a response in “The Triangle.
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With the Belichick Era gaining a modicum of success each week albeit by beating lower tier ACC teams (and losing to UVa by a mere 6″) , UNC now enters The Rival Gauntlet where Ws and Ls mean a LOT more to many … A WhoZit Bowl IS a mathmatical possibility. Regardless …
If Bill Belichick beats all three local rivals … and goes to a Weedeater Mayonnaise Pop-Tart Bowl and “Christmas In Shreveport” …. Every story about every game Win or Lose … will include a mention of “Sugar Baby” – JordOn … all because Bill Belichick would NOT take her out of the spotlight.
As I noted several weeks ago … Bill, just put her in a freakin’ suite out of camera view. Get her off the sidelines … Out of Sight and eventually Out of Media Minds … Maybe. But noooooo … so JordOn continues to be “the story” … sigh.
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Does ANYONE connected in any way with Wake Forest Football actually ever say “Allegacy Federal Credit Union Stadium” ???? BB&T was OK … even Truist was sorta OK. Have Stadium Naming Rights gotta OUT OF HAND? I mean REALLY ….
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This article may be behind a PayWall on The Athletic. Hopfully not. It is a dire warning of Whats Coming in Big Time College Football’s NIL/Portal Era …. and coming faster than anyone expected.
Loyal fans for decades BE DAMNED …. unless you win the lottery, you might not be able to afford “going to the game” for much longer …. UNLESS you are a Fat Cat Booster with Really Deep Pockets.
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THAT’s All Folks …. see ya next week.
