February 17, 2023
To quote Astronaut George Taylor (Charlton Heston) in the epic final scene of Planet of The Apes:
“They finally did it … those morons blew the whole thing up …”
In a move long whispered deep in the bowels of Big Time College Football (BTCFB), “they” finally did it …. appointed some delusional self-anointed “Internet Legend” as CZAR of BTCFB.
In his first decree, the new Czar (Tsar?) disbanded the dysfunctional “they” that appointed him. Giving himself Absolute Power for as long as he is having fun being Czar.
On Day Two … the new CZAR issued his Because I Said So New Rules for BTCFB effective immediately:
- There will be SIX BTCFB Conferences of twelve teams each – total of 72 programs – based on geography … traditional rivalries … and common sense. Notre Dame WILL be in The B1G … Period! … Every three years conferences will be re-evaluated wth the most hapless program in each of the six conferences being replaced by an up-coming program from among the Not Big Time college football schools. Like Premier League Soccer…
- There will be ONE Universal Broadcast Agreement not to exceed the combined net worths of Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Olivia Dunne (?). It will cover all 72 programs involving linear networks and the top dozen most popular streaming services. Every game of each of the 72 schools will be available somewhere each Saturday. …. $$$ disbursement among the 72 schools will be based on average level of reading comprehension of the first / second strings depth charts of each school. The higher the level of reading comprehension, the more $$$ a school receives. ….
- Every BTCFB school will play NINE teams in its conference … one non-conference BTCFB teams … one Not Big Time program; and one cupcake (to be played before Oct 1) for a total of twelve regular season games. Schedules rotated so every school plays every other school in its conference every two years.
- All game officials (refs) will come from one common pool. Each referee crew will contain at least one white guy – one black guy – and one hot lesbian / or dwarf. 25% of all BTCFB games WILL have pre-determined outcomes … but which 25%? Bet on BTCFB at your own risk.
- Each head coach is allowed ONE “Nullify” per game with which he can simply “nullify” a penalty against his team … i.e. “pick up the flag”. Cannot be used in last 3:00 of a game.
- NILs will NOT go into effect until after a “student athlete” has completed one full year of eligibility with a 2.5 GPA … and not to exceed $50,000/year or the leasing cost of a new Ford F-150.
- Players opting for The Transfer Portal cannot transfer within their conference or to any school in the same time zone … or with the same team colors.
- Fat Cat Boosters who are even rumored to be providing under-the-table payments to players will be incarcerated in D-block at Angola State Prison in Louisiana. Have their entire bodies shaved and issued pink nighties to be worn 24/7.
- Sideline Reporterettes will be replaced by using cheerleaders issued 3X5 index cards containing an innocuous question to ask each head coach at halftime. Cheerleaders to be paid with a case of lip gloss.
- “Coach” Lee Corso will be officially & permanently retired from Gameday in an elaborate ceremony involving Shania Twain … The Royal Lipizzaner Stallions – and The Harlem Boys Choir. He will be replaced by the aforementioned Olivia Dunne.
- Every telecast of every BTCFB game will feature an uninterrupted ten minutes of one/both school’s marching bands / drum lines performing John Philip Souza’s Greatest Hits.
- Any game announcer using dumb made-up terms such as “athleticism” – “physicality”or “… in space” will be replaced at the next commercial break.. … If either Keith Jackson or Lindsey Nelson said it – it’s OK. Ergo, “Whoa Nellie” IS approved.
- The NCAA will have ZERO to do with BTCFB in any way, shape, form or fashion. No Ad Hoc Blue-ribbon committees …What The CZAR says goes!
- Advertisers on any BTCFB telecast must employ commercial actors consistent with the socio-ethnic profiles of the alumni fan bases of the two teams involved.
- Head Coaches can not live in mega-mansions with more square footage than their school’s IPFs.
- The Playoffs will be limited to Six teams with top two seeds receiving first round Byes.
- There will be a limit of 18 “bowl games” involving 36 (50%) of the 72 BTCFB teams … all “bowls” must be named for either a fruit, a vegetable, a condiment, a flower … or Pat Tillman. No exceptions.
and all Three said …
I recently met with three recognizable names in Triangle-area college football representing different decades of ACC history. We met under terms of anonymity … anything INCREDIBLE that would be said, I would take full credit for.
I was looking for their thoughts / opinions on the various issues boiling in Big Time College Football – NIL – Transfers – Conference Realignment – Coaches tenure – Playoffs – etc.
They had opinions but nothing OMG. What was OMG was that each one has pretty much lost significant interest in college (and NFL) football including with their alma maters. They simply don’t care very much any more. They know who wins and loses and the major hubbub that bubbles to the top but it’s ho-hum.
None of the three still have season tickets at their alma maters and only attend the occasional game for social/business reasons. They do watch on TV but its not Must See TV for any of them.
Are these guys anomalies or typical? None are “old men yelling at clouds” about how “it used to be”. OK, maybe just a little bit.
I was initially surprised but by the end of lunch I totally understood … for reasons I have expressed here on various occasions.
My Thoughts on The Super Bowl Event … HERE