March 26, 2020
Smokey & The Internet Legend
Keep your foot hard on the pedal. Son, never mind them brakes.
Let it all hang out ’cause I got a run to make.
The boy is thirsty up in Wiscy and there’s beer in Panthertown.
And I’ll bring it back no matter what it takes.
East bound and down, loaded up and truckin’,
I’m gonna do what they say can’t be done.
I’ve got a long way to go and a short time to get there.
I’m east bound, just watch ol’ “BobLee” run.
Remember that funeral I went to in Kinston a few weeks ago. … and all the Awesomely Nice Folks I am privileged to know? One of those Awesomely Nice Folks is Ed Mc. If there was – and there oughta be – an Awesomely Nice Guy Mount Rushmore… Ed Mc would have – not one but – TWO places on it.
Ed Mc and I had not seen one another in several years although he is a devoted reader of this column … like so many of you. “Catching up” was the order of the day.
Ed has two sons of the mid-millennial persuasion. Son#1 is in a secret bunker somewhere doing top-secret stuff for a top-secret guvmint alphabet agency. Its Ed’s Son#2 – PMc that figures prominently in today’s adventure.
PMc was a walk-on during The Matt Doherty Era of UNC Basketball. Determined to balance his curriculum vitae, he has – with his Dad – launched an entrepreneurial venture in Charlotte.
They have opened a brewery – Resident Culture Brewing Company – in South Uptown Charlotte. It’s doing quite well… at least until the current national unpleasantness.
What I know about Beer – Breweries – Craft Beer – and IPA could fit in a thimble with enough room left to fit in a leather-bound edition of “Plugs” Biden’s Greatest Gaffes – Vol 1. I know Zilch about “Beer” … BUT … Son-in-law Danny up in Madison Wisconsin is a lay authority on the subject.
An ordained Presbyterian Minister who is “an authority on beer” may sound incongruous. Couple that with Pastor Danny is 6’5″ / 230 in his clerical collar and – as a former Tight End for the Wheaton College Thunder – once took out two DBs in an awesome downfield block that is recorded in Thunder lore simply as “Danny’s Awesome Block”.
Ed tells me all about PMc’s brewery. I get home and text Danny …
“Yo Danny, I just learned that a lifelong dear friend of mine’s son owns a brewery in Charlotte called Resident Culture Brewing Company…”.
Thinking that was the end of the story with Danny’s overall admiration for moi ratcheting even higher… NOT SO FAST … Within minutes Danny’s texts me back …
“WOW… That is one of the Top Breweries in the country. Their beer is AWESOME. We went there last year while in Charlotte for a wedding… VERY COOL! …. The plot thickens.
I’m thinking… the Father of the Three Most Awesomest Grandchildren on Earth deserves a “Just Because” surprise … I’m gonna send him a case of Resident Culture’s Most Popular Beers. Am I an Incredible Father-In-Law OR WHAT! … Ed Mc put me in touch with PMc …
“Sure”, said PMc “We’ll take care of it. Dad has told my brother and me plenty of stories about his good friend The Internet Legend” …
Then Corona-mania hit. Resident Culture Brewery has bigger concerns these days than Danny’s case of beer. … But I Don’t.
I decide to -1- Drive down to Charlotte … -2- Have lunch with SaidWhatMedia’s “Mob Lawyer” P. Coleman Buck (“PCB”) … -3- Pick up the case of beer … and -4- Be back home before dark. What a plan!
Waking up early Wed morning, I learn that Charlotte is going into FULL LOCK DOWN … BUT not until Thursday AM … soooo I’m looking at…
A Beer Run to Charlotte…
with a Deadline to do it… or risk tangling with Smokey!
I gotta a long way to go… and a short time to get there
But I’ll bring it back no matter what it takes.
Watch ol’ BobLee run.
It’s A For-Real Smokey & The Internet Legend.
I wait til Blondie wakes up. … “
Me: Do you still have your wedding dress? …
Blondie: “Huh?” …
Me: “I’ll rent a Firebird from Enterprise. You can be Sally Field (AKA “Frog”)… and we’ll have us a For-Real ADVENTURE.” …
Blondie: “You’re crazy” …
Me: “It’s taken you 36 years to come to that conclusion?
Substituting a 16 y/o Lexus RX for the Firebird – With no Blondie in her wedding dress as “Frog” – No one to play Cletus / “Snowman”, “Fred The Dog” OR “Big or Little Enos”… The ADVENTURE commenced.
In honor of “JoCo Bob” Dixon, I stopped by Bojangles in Mebane to grab a coupla biscuits. I told the staff at The Boj that “The Legend is making a beer run” … They all cheered and told me to keep my ears on and watch out for Smokey.
As I highballed past Salisbury it occurred – I bet Babs In Derm coulda been a terrific back-up as “Frog” in the wedding dress.
I pulled into toney Dilworth at 12:45… Mrs PCB had prepared her special “Willie The Worm” Chili. Me and PCB get to talking… and first thing ya know its 6:30 … and Resident Culture Brewery closes at 7:00.
I tear off thru toney Dilworth narrowly avoiding two Peruvian nannies… a Nepalese dog-walker… and some cranky old codger that was either Hugh McColl, Jim Bakker, or George Shinn.
I wheel into the RCBC parking lot with ten minutes to spare. I hand the little gal my credit card and the pre-arranged password – Bermuda Shorts. A butler in full livery emerges carrying the case of assorted Resident Culture favorites … loads’em in my back seat … and I haul buggy with the staff of Resident Culture yelling Go Legend Go as I speed down Central Avenue … I was Eastbound and Down… Loaded Up and Truckin.
Two hours and 22 minutes later I pull into BLSays HQ. Blondie is on the phone consolin’ Kid who had a rough day with her family of five going stir-crazy in their 850 sq ft apartment on a frigid Wisconsin winter day.
Blondie: “Your Dad just got back from Charlotte with Danny’s case of beer…”
Kid: … “WHAT? Mom, doesn’t Dad knows there’s a Global Pandemic and we’re in The End of Days?”
Blondie: “He knows. I tried to stop him but he just kept saying …”
“All of Life is Column Fodder and Show Prep”
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