Fred & Ethel Mertz re: Carolina Football … &^#*^%$”

Fred & Ethel
November18/ 2018

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Fred & Ethel Mertz Re:  Carolina Football… %$*&%#

Nov 18, 2018

DISCLAIMER:  This column has absolutely nothing to do with “Fred & Ethel Mertz” or Vivian & Bill or Luci & Ricky. I chose “Fred & Ethel” to camouflage the identities of two very long time friends of mine.  I had extended conversations with my two aforementioned “long time friends” over the past week or so on the subject of …..

WhatTha Hell Is Wrong with Carolina Football… and Will “They” (?) Ever Fix It?

I told “Ethel” I was going to call her either “Gretchen” or “Gladys.  She preferred Gretchen.  I’m going with “Ethel”.

“Fred” won’t know I’m writing this because he is convinced “computers are just a fad”.  He just bought all his granddaughters Princess Phones for Christmas. Bless his heart.  Bless BOTH Fred & Ethel’s hearts.

I chose “Fred & Ethel” because I found that cool picture up-top.  And, to totally confuse any “drive by” millennials.

Both “Fred & Ethel” have been Tru-Blue Carolina Fans since Old East, Old West, and Old Well were just East, West, and The Well.   Our  conversations were not intended as “a column”; but I realized early on … OMG, this stuff is priceless and so here we are.

I read somewhere thats how Margaret Mitchell wrote Gone With The Wind.  Or was it Harper Lee and To Kill A Mockingbird?


WhatTha Hell Is Wrong with Carolina Football… and Will “They” (?) Ever Fix It? has NOT reached the level of National Conversation such as How does Melania walk in those stilettos?  She must be a Witch!

But “over yonder” along Scenic Franklin Street, Rosemary Street and Columbia Street it has been overheard quite a bit the past 2.75 months.

After being all-but mathematically eliminated from Christmas In Shreveport before the team bus returned to Chapel Hill after that early September train wreck in Dowdy-Ficklin; most of the debate / concern has been on the fate of Larry Fedora and which Really Fat Cats would fork up the $12,000,000 buy-out.

Like Charlie on The MTA whose “…fate is still unlearned.  He rides forever ‘neath the streets of Boston…” 

Larry’s Fate is “still unlearned” subject to the event coming up this Saturday amid the lofty pines of Beautiful Kenan Jr Stadium.

Three things can happen Saturday in Kenan Jr … (1) The Fedorians could get whupped like a rented mule… (2) The Fedorians could lose in either a close competitive nail-biter or by a no-count cheatin’ referee’s call… or (3) The Fedorians could WIN.  It won’t matter how or by how many… Just Win Larry.

#3 is the one that Larry Fedora and his small but hearty handful of supporters might wanna be prayin’ for.  #1 and #2 probably won’t “do it”.  Alas, the semi-rout of UNC System little sister Western Carolina did not move the needle of the Fedora’s Fate Committee..


NOTE:  Mike MacIntyre was voted National Coach of The Year in 2016 as Head Coach at Colorado.  Since then his Buffaloes have gone 5-7 in 2017 and 5-6 so far in 2018.  Thats as far as Mike MacIntyre will go… he was fired earlier today. … comparisons to Larry Fedora’s 3-9 (2017) and 2-8 (2018) and no National Coach of The Year award don’t bode well for Larry.


The Precipitous Decline of TeamFedora is, in many opinions, traced back to the 2nd half of the UNC v Duke game in 2016 (Trubisky year).  UNC had the game well under control at the half… then totally collapsed to lose 27-28.  The first of Three Straight Losses To Duke. … Five straight “L’s” (and counting) to Hated Rivals is more than “a bit much”.

That and Fedora’s failure to maintain any staff cohesiveness over his seven years at UNC.


EthelLets get back to “Ethel”… She / Her Family had six season tickets “on the 40 on Row K” going back so long that Row K was considered “nose bleed section”.  I believe “Ethel” was at that same game Andy Griffith talked about.  Why else would she go to the Kenan Jr concession stand every game since then asking for “a Big Orange, please.”

Ethel gave up those seats several years ago when, according to her, “the little gal at The Rams Club didn’t remember my name”.  She was gonna write a strong letter to “Big Ernie” Williamson until I told her “Big Ernie” had been lying in eternal repose near “Sunny Jim” Tatum for the past forty years.  To her credit, she knew Jim Tatum was dead.  She has hated Rocky Mountain spotted ticks ever since.

“Ethel” is/was upset that the UNC v WCU game was not “on real TV”.  “But We Are The Flagship” she demanded.

Trying to explain to her how to get ESPN WATCH was a mountain I had no intention of trying to climb.

Did I mention that “Ethel” HATES UNC Basketball.  Actually she HATES that “UNC is a Basketball School” at the expense of her beloved Football.  “They (an undefined”they”) never spend any $$$ or attention to Football… just on Basketball.”

Of course, I noted the $32,000,000 IPF but “that doesn’t matter”. ???

I noted The Blue Zone but THAT pisses her off because “it blocks what little breeze we used to get… and those Fat Cats never sit in their seats anyway.”

She REALLY hates when:

“They” (same “they” as above) “ruin Kenan Jr halftimes by introducing other UNC team such as the damn basketball team to give them stupid rings or whatever.  ‘They’ would never do that at a basketball game.”

I pointed out that “they” are always showcasing other UNC teams at halftime of basketball games… and have done so for many years,  Hellfire, even “Little Dickie” did that. …. whatever.

I noted that for the past 60 years, the VAST majority of UNC’s sports glory has come from Basketball.  Just as most of Alabama and Notre Dame’s have come from Football.  I surmised that there are “Ethels” at Alabama and ND that resent their football teams like she resents UNC Basketball.  That thought quieted her for a minute or so.

Then she let loose again on Why the UNC v WCU game was not on real TV?  She was on the verge of going Full Blown Tri-Lateral / Warren Commission Conspiracy when I stunned her with…

“STOP IT, Ethel!  You are sounding like the Franklin Street Stereotype of “Every State Fan”… seeing multi-layered conspiracies behind every lofty pine around Kenan Jr.” … THAT did it.  Ya coulda heard a pin drop.

“Am I really THAT BAD, BobLee?”

“You’re gettin’ close, Ethel.”

“Can I ask one more question?”

“Sure” I said.

“Where is my favorite player Ryan Switzer now?” Jim Lalanne

“I think he is with The Steelers this week… or maybe The Pottstown Firebirds… or Albany Patroons.  Hey, I thought “Sweet Jim” Lalanne (UNC’41) was your favorite UNC player?”

“Oh My… you had to bring him up.  I have to go now.  I’m having a case of the vapors.

Good night, Ethel.

Good night, BobLee.  Give Blondie a hug.


Fred MertzAnd then there’s “Fred”.  “Fred” was for many years a “they” as Ethel would say.  He was an individual of influence around UNC and thats as far as I’m going…

No, NOT “my buddy Art”.  I haven’t heard from Chansky since Nov 8, 2016.

Having resided for 60+ years amid Kenan Jr’s lofty pines, “Fred’s” opinions on area rivals NC State and Duke are about as deep and dark negative as they can be.  YOWSA, Maxine thinks more highly of Donald than Fred thinks of State and Duke.

He “likes Larry” but realizes the storm clouds are swirling.  He thinks Larry coulda built a solid 8-9 W/year program EXCEPT FOR… those Damn State People.

During those halcyon days of The Great Unpleasantness when “Damn Dan”Kane was both Woodward AND Bernstein around UNC…

“Those Damn State People told recruits all sorts of lies about what was gonna happen to UNC.  They actually had a dossier of all the Dan Kane crap that they left with recruits.  That just wasn’t right.”

Recruiting is a very very dirty business where finishing 2nd is first loser” I said.  “You don’t think UNC would do likewise if it was reversed?

“Absolutely not.” he said adamantly.  “We’re Carolina.  We don’t have to cheat to win.” … uh oh!

He and I had discussed TGU at length as it unfolded over the 8-10 years it was “above the fold”.  “Fred” does NOT believe Dean Smith “was born of a virgin, and arose on the 3rd day” but pretty close.

He is certain Coach K has cloven hooves and a forked tail.

Such strong convictions make “living over yonder” a LOT less stressful, I’m told.


As God is My Witness… the only things I “made up” in this column are “Fred & Ethel’s” names.


WARNING:  Before you’ans take too many shots at “Fred & Ethel”, I GUARAN-DAMN-TEE YOU I could find “Fred & Ethels” in Your Fan Base too… IF I had the time or inclination.


Next Time.

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