Miss Moneypenny, get me two Excedrins please

June22/ 2017

I wonder how many angry texts, emails, and old-fashioned letters of advice Bill DeWitt will get today from distraught St. Louis Cardinals fans. Bet Bill has received A LOT of “advice” the past two weeks.

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Seung-hwan Oh’s 0-2 pitch to Eric Thames barely cleared Busch Stadium’s right field wall. St. Louis Cardinals fans from Memphis to Moline, from Champaign-Urbana to Jeff City muttered “Aww crap.” Did Eugene The Translator mutter in English or Korean?

I bet Bill DeWitt has had the same loyal personal secretary for twenty years. Maybe a Miss Moneypenny like “M” had in James Bond movies. Miss Moneypenny was one of my favorite “Bond Girls?” Hubba Hubba… I digress.

With The Embattled Boys of Busch going 1-10 in recent one-on-ones with NL Central rivals, I find myself missing the Phillies. Don’t you? Those were fun games. I will send MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred a text. We should play those Phillies more often.

What is life like for Cardinals’ owner Bill DeWitt these days? I don’t “know” Bill Sr. or Bill Jr. I do know from pictures and Wikipedia that Bill Sr. is “a rich,
old white guy.”

Depending on what media one follows, “rich old white guys” are the cause of all that is wrong in this world. Uh Oh.

I think that is a bit of hyperbole. Maybe because, while I am not “rich” by DeWittian standards, I am getting “older” by the hour and I am “a white guy.”

Unlike Bill DeWitt, I have never had millions of dollars or employed people who make millions. I have never developed a BallPark Village…

…or bore the burden of stewardship for a baseball team that millions of God-loving Mid-Americans consider is rightfully “theirs.”

The advantages of employing a Manager and a General Manager is they get the first blame in tough times. They get the second, third and fourth blame too.

Alas, enough tough times and “the buck” will get to the “rich, old white guy,” Bill DeWitt Sr.

There is only so much bitchin’ and pissin’ and moanin’ distraught fans can do on fan sites like this one and on sports talk shows. Scream “pay that 18-year-old Cuban kid a bazillion dollars you stoopid old fool” and he still won’t do it. What are distraught fans gonna do?

Did You Know: The average distraught Cardinals fan “plays GM” in 3.7 different fantasy leagues? John Mozeliak plays in just one REAL one.

If the current malaise continues, and it likely will – malaises can be like herpes – the rich old white guy WILL indeed throw either his GM and/or Manager to the howling mob… a.k.a. The Barabbas Solution.

Their replacements will get a grace period of about a week, two at most. Then it starts all over again.

“Miss Moneypenny, bring me a couple of Excedrin… and hold my calls. You look lovely today, by the way…”

How does one say “Aw crap” in Korean? If Oh takes free agency will Eugene go with him? Can Eugene speak Cuban? Wonder if Eugene knew Oddjob.

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