Mother’s Day? Flowers! Chocolates! OR _______?

Mothers Day
BobLee
May20/ 2017

Flowers? Chocolates?… or maybe ______? are appropriate Mother’s Day gifts for normal people.

Under the assumption that all of you have/had, or are espoused to, “a mother”; you recently had the “what to get her for Mother’s Day?” dilemma. My solution certainly isn’t for everyone but worked for us.

My eventual eulogy will never praise my generous gift-giving prowess… although “creative gift-giving” might sneak in somewhere. About a decade ago I settled into a “nice house plant” tradition. Same nearby florist about 24 hours before the occasion at around $50 give/take. I learned that an amaryllis is always a hit. Depending upon the magnitude of the occasion I might include a Whitman Sampler or chocolate-covered cherries.

What about jewelry you might say. I know as little about jewelry as Ol’ Roy does about everything but BB and golf.

You might recall my recent Christmas Lollapalooza – (1) a $500 complete attic clean-out PLUS (2) a $200 gift certificate to the local “Shooting Academy”. No, not the one that uses prominent Lib/Dems as target models (but you can bring your own). This one is pretty swanky, offering AK-47s, MP-5s and the kind of handgun selection that a Derm street gangsta would dream of. Blondie and I are waiting for the perfect occasion to use it.

For bygone Christmases I have gone with a fold-into-the-wall ironing board and a padded toilet seat…. Neither were as big a hit as the attic / shooting combo. …. Which brings us to the recent Mother’s Day.

I was thinking one of those stainless steel garden hoses you see on TV. The one that a Great White cannot bite thru. Great White attacks on garden hoses is a reoccurring problem on our fashionable North Raleigh cul-de-sac. But at the last minute I changed course.

“Busting liberal chops” is Blondie’s vocation and avocation. Does that mean she would do it for free? No way; but she doesn’t have to. “Working in the yard” / “Gardening” is a close #2 favorite. She pretends that rabbits and other flower-eating varmints are liberals and artfully combines her two hobbies.

I listen when she rambles on about her next “yard project”…. unless I’m at a really critical part in my current audiobook. Then I try to read her lips. I picked up a keyword several weeks ago that moved “sharkproof hose” off the MDay list.

This year’s Mother’s Day present was …..

a Freakin’ Chainsaw.

chainsawThe “guy in the red vest” at Lowe’s was a frustrated stand-up comedian. When I said “if I ask you ‘where are the women’s chainsaws’ would you report me for being sexist?, he deadpanned “Aisle 16, halfway down on Lowes Guythe right.” …. Then added “the ones for homicidal lesbians are further down on the left.” We bonded right then and there and traded zingers for a full ten minutes.

Yes, “Leatherface” and Texas Chainsaw Massacre came up. He offered to show me Lowe’s selection of Official Jason Voorhees machetes. I said “maybe for her birthday.”

I fed him “whats the difference between the $52 one and the $75 one?” I knew exactly where he would go. He pretended to count on his fingers before saying “$23?”

I threw in a pair of decorator safety goggles and a bottle of Official Women’s Chainsaw Oil. He said he was retired from 20 years with the US Forestry Service. I said “being a forest ranger” was in my Top Three “had it to do over again” occupations. He said “being an Internet Legend” was on his list. I’m pretty sure he was just sucking up. I left Lowe’s with a chainsaw, goggles, oil and some Grade A column fodder.

The chainsaw was a BIG HIT…. Really. I texted Kid and she replied with a skull & crossbones emoggie…. And a snarky “better than the toilet seat, Dad”.Garden Hose

I know what you’re thinking – What about the garden hose? Thursday AM at 7 AM  Kid texted us “HAPPY 33rd ANNIVERSARY Mom & Dad”. YIKES…. May 18th! We had both forgotten.   A quick google revealed that #33 is The Garden Hose Anniversary. Coincidence? I think not. Take THAT Great White Sharks of North Raleigh.

##

Can we just pretend that I talk about the Sports Media KABOOM this week between LaVar Ball and Colin Cowherd’s “Eye Candy Girl” Kristine Leahy. If LaVar Ball is not the poster jackass for everything pathetic re: modern sports media what is?

Leahy

My total boycott of all things NBA continues. I will add NBA to WNBA (duh!) – NHL – UFC – NCAA Softball and anything involving the word “Draft” or “Recruiting”.

Eye Update:

Duke SuperDocs had cautiously predicted “maybe 20/60 but probably 20/80” for my left eye recovery. Using “… until I met a man who had no feet” 20/60 is better than “blind” by a lot but eliminates “driving”, “reading menus”, A LOT that I used to take for granted.

…. BUT WAIT, THERE”S MORE!

Last week I read the freakin’ 20/40 line ! Yessireee BobLee… I’m back to kicking a** and taking names… driving… reading menus… and pretty much everything. YIPPEEE!

Astronauting is still OUT but MLB Umpire is still an option judging from recent Cardinal games.  Prayer

Eight weeks ago at the apex of “feeling sorry for myself”, I made a pact with God…. Restore my vision and I won’t pick on Ol’ Roy any more.

Friday morning St Peter delivered a note from The Big Guy HisOnSelf. ….

“BL, I have decided that I enjoy your Ol’ Roy shots too much.  He needs to be picked on and You Da Man to do it. I am  modifing our pact to you giving up The NBA and cauliflower. Go get’em Sport and tell AgentPierce to keep on keepin’ on too…
Your Buddy & Personal Saviour,
God

Life Is Good!

##

Speaking of AgentPierce…. He is indeed back “on the hunt”.  

Check him out if it’s your cuppa tea.   LINK.

AgentPierce##

BobLee

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ultraviolet
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ultraviolet

Glad you got your vision back. By getting your wife a chainsaw you’ve revealed a hopelessly romantic side

70sTarheel
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70sTarheel

Congrats on your improving vision and your anniversary. My wife and I celebrated our 33rd on the very next day. When we recently moved from Amelia Island back to her family farm in NC, she sold her convertible and bought one of those big boy Kubota tractors, front end loader and all. I hope to get to use it one day!

WolfPack00
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WolfPack00

A couple things we have in common. I have that very same chainsaw. My wife uses it often. My anniversary is also on May 18. We did dinner at Winston’s.

Glad the eyes are doing well.

NCSU68Grad
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NCSU68Grad

DownEast…. I worried too about the poor Lowes guy becoming a target on social media and having to enter the witness protection program like Darren Wilson (Ferguson LEO – Michael Brown – BLM mafia). Folks DO know where BL might shop and there maybe LBGTQX infiltrators that will prowl and see if they can get a “hit” and out him. Brer Kennel may be the double agent that they send in as he looks so “Republican”… . Doug, As an “Ex” Tool Company employee (we actually cut a deal with Tim Allen for advertising….nice guy), I’m on the fence. For… Read more »

Down East Heel
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Down East Heel

BL,

I’ll join the chorus singing “hallelujah” regarding your good news. Wait a minute….I can’t carry a note in a 5 gallon bucket. Think I’ll just tell you I’m very happy for you.

I am hopeful the picture of the Lowes guy isn’t really him. I’m concerned the Lowes PC Police Swat Team may serve papers on him for the homocidal lesbians comment.

Should that happen Lowes can join Target on my personal boycott list. I was boycotting Target before boycotting Target was cool.

Arnold Isley
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Arnold Isley

Glad for the good vision news- I think this would fit: BTLOMS ( see Ps 103 )

Doug
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Doug

No hits, no runs, no errors, NO CORDS and the 80 volt model is only $20 more.

https://www.lowes.com/pd/Kobalt-40-Volt-Lithium-Ion-Li-ion-12-in-Cordless-Electric-Chainsaw/1000180465

GrahamPacker
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GrahamPacker

GrahamPacker

Just wanted to say “GREAT” on the new peeps news.

NCSU68Grad
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NCSU68Grad

Great choice, BL. My daughter, a single mom, would appreciate one. BUT, she has her dad and he bought himself one of the “perfessinal” Husqvarna 5.5’s last fall. My 1992 Husky (same displacement) was not as robust, in the cylinder, as it once was and I got tired of not having the power. SO, I got a new one and it DOES cut. . I have a liberal retired school teacher friend in Richmond who is single and retired. She was constantly complaining about cutting limbs with beat up shears and the drudgery of the small pruning saw that I… Read more »

Gary.In.Danville
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Gary.In.Danville

No More Calls. We have our winner ….
.
“the ones for the homicidal lesbians are further down on the left…” I should have been ready for it but I let my guard down and you got me right between the eyes. One keyboard busted…. !

NCSU68Grad
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NCSU68Grad

There is more truth than pun in that line. My wife was the “unofficial” supervisor of the clerical staff at a small to medium CPA office. The partners would do the hiring and sometimes the resume was overridden by the bodice of the applicants. They hired a really sharp (intellectually and physically) young lady. Was getting a divorce from her hubby and had moved to Raleigh for a fresh start. She had a 4 year education degree and wanted to change careers rather than start back with the WCPSS. . At the first Christmas Party, she showed up with her… Read more »

Porcophile
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Porcophile

Good news on all fronts, BobLee. Glad to hear it. Keep on keeping on.