Scandals Aplenty on Tobacco Road

December24/ 2016

Scandals Aplenty on Tobacco Road !!

So what’s wrong with NC State? In the past ten days The Western Hemisphere has been ROCKED with Scandals involving Three of Tobacco Road’s Fabled Big Four Collegiate Sports Programs:

Wake Forest’s WakeyLeaks ….
UNCCH’s Latest NOA (yawn) … and
Duke’s Latest White Boy Goes Bonkers

…. But nary a whisper of scallywaggery from The Brickyard in West Raleigh ???   Alls quiet twixt Hillsborough Street and Western Blvd…….. for now.

WakeyLeaks has had its 15 minutes of ESPN super saturation. ACC Commissioner a/k/a “The Swoff” has given his traditional ACC Integrity Uber Alles speech which he gives for any/all ACC scandals not involving his Alma Mater.

Did you all see where Frank Beamer’s son admitted getting game plan info from Tommy The Weasel Elrod in 2014? He (Sean / Shane) is now an Asst Coach at Georgia. Georgia promptly fined him $25,000 for answering a phone call from Elrod while he was employed at VaTech ??? Sean never told Frank (nor did he tell Bobby Petrino or Rick Pitino) but apparently Georgia figured they could score some “We don’t cotton to such foolishness between the hedges” points by levying the fine on young Beamer. That makes no sense whatsoever but nothing new about that.

OK…. Which do we discuss next? UNCCH or Duke?

Lets go with Duke and Allen Grayson / Grayson Allen Whatever…Grayson Allen

There has been a permanent and persistent conversational drumbeat for several decades about the obvious fact that 96% of on-court playing time in Big Time College Basketball is allocated to YBMs (Young Black Men).  3.7% of the remaining 4% goes to kids from Eastern Europe, Australia and “places you can’t find without an advanced degree in world geography”.

The standard justification for this dramatic statistic is that YBMs are simply genetically engineered to be better in Basketball than other ethnicities. YBMs can (1) jump higher and (2) have no interest in staying in college more than a semester and a half. While THAT might be true, we now have more than sufficient proof of the real compelling reason….

Young Caucasian Americans (YCAs) are simply too emotionally unstable to withstand the rigors of Big Time College Basketball. This latest Proof Positive at The Krzyzewski Institute for Abnormal Caucasian Behavior pretty much seals the deal.

If your school actively recruits “white boys” it is not a matter of “if” but “when” they will “go bonkers”. Sure, recruiting an occasional “white kid” might appease a few Fat Cats who notice the otherwise non-diversity of your roster and ask “how come, coach?”; but a coach in a Power Five conference that recruits these “pale-skinned ticking time bombs” is going to regret it.  What good they might make to his team’s GPA average will be offset when they “lose it” on the court and starting crying and throwing towels and stuff .

God in His infinite wisdom created Division III and intramurals for “white boys”. The pressures of The Big Dance are simply too much for a Caucasian psyche.

Facts don’t lie…. Christian Laettner – Bobby Hurley – JJ Riddick – Quinn Snyder – Wojo – Danny Ferry – Chris Collins – Hellfire, go all the way back to Art “The Pest” Heyman – and now Allen Grayson / Grayson Allen Whatever.



FYI: Did you know there are more spelling for JJ’s last name than Eskimos have words for “snow”?  Redick – Riddick – Reddick – Ridick – etc etc.  Thats not counting the obscene ones.

For purposes of brevity, we won’t even get into Tyler Hansbrough – Dirty Dan Wells – John Roche – Marc Ivaroni – Tim Stoddard – John Ribock – Mark Mirken … etc etc etc.  All notorious… all Caucasian !!!!

The Duke Experiment in Abnormal Caucasian Behavior now has enough solid evidence to justify The NCCA banning “white boys” from playing Big Time College Basketball.  It is embarrassing enough that so many of’em can’t dunk and don’t have nearly enough tattoos; but the on-court temper tantrums can no longer be tolerated.

You all know what happened this week. Grayson Allen Grayson tripped YET ANOTHER opponent.  #3 for anyone counting… and A LOT of you are.  Victim #3 was another white kid ironically from Elon. Elon ??? Coach K was appalled and made him sit down on the bench…. where he promptly “went nutz”. “K” then lowered the boom suspending his serial miscreant for the rest of that half. YIKES!

Meanwhile two former Duke players, both named Jay – Jay Williams and Jay Bilas – blistered their former coach on national TV for his less than appropriate judication of the situation. ESPN analyst Seth Greenberg was REALLY going nuts about it, but who much cares what he thinks.

Postgame Coach K gave the standard “I’m Coach K (Saban, Bilichek, Popovich) speech about “it’s MY program and you all can go pound sand so there …..”

Overnight Mike was told what The Two Jays had said so he changed his mind and has now “suspended” his multi-tripping miscreant “indefinitely”.

Whatever Mike’s idea of indefinitely turns out to be…. it will be considerably less than the definition in the minds of everyone on Earth who “hates Duke because ….”. The Franklin Street Chapter of We Really Hate Duke has already defined “indefinitely” as “one day longer than when The Great Unpleasantness is resolved”. That would assure that Grayson Allen Grayson will never set foot in Cameron Indoor EVER again.

What do I think? Not that my opinion matters any more than Seth Greenberg’s but …. I’d probably go for a minimum of five ACC games…. Plus “if he ever does anything stoopid again he gets barred from ever playing competitive basketball again ANYWHERE EVER.”

I haven’t heard if The Swoff repeated his ACC Integrity Uber Alles speech about this Duke Mess but he probably did or he will at some point.


OK… now to The Latest NOA From NCAA to The University of The People. For those of you having a hard time keeping all these alphabet things straight. NOA = Notice Of Allegation. LOIC = Lack Of Institutional Control. CYA = Cover Your A**. ABC = Anybody But Carolina. TGU = The Great Unpleasantness.

The specifics of this latest NOA can be found by contacting any member of the ABC Lynch Mob. If you are not one you surely know one. Swing a cat in The Triangle and you’ll hit one. Alls I know is that it gets “us” imperceptibly closer to:

What I have hoped for all along….Dick Baddour

And that is …. “Call Me Dickie” Baddour and The Swoff and Ol Roy too going UNDER OATH in a Court of Law in front of a packed courtroom and an global audience of billions and melting into whimpering puddles of goo.

When a no-nonsense (and, hopefully, non-alumni of UNC Law) judge peers down at Messrs Baddour / Swofford / Williams and reminds them that “the penalty for perjury” is a minimum of “a long time in a hoosegow being the prom date for Big Enos

… You caMelting Nazisn imagine Baddour and Swofford melting like those Nazis at the end of that first Indiana Jones movie. Ol’ Roy won’t “get it” and will babble some unintelligible series of Royisms until two burly bailiffs frog march him out of the courtroom

… There will be a dozen or so other co-conspiring perps who will “go under oath” too including Julius (assuming he is in not in hiding in a non-extradition 3rd world hellhole) and Jan and Deb too.


“My buddy” Art will have a kiosk outside the courthouse peddling copies of his dozen or so coffee table books on Dean Smith: Man Or Messiah Or Both.

This is pretty much SURE to “go to court” now.   The downside of “it’s going to court” is, of course, it likely won’t happen during either Trump Administration taking us to 2024 minimum. UNC cadre of deep-pocketed Hedge Fund Fat Cats will keep their army of attorneys on retainer thereby stimulating their individual economies.

I fully intend to stick around to see it whenever. You know I do love CHAOS…. and “Hoots”. This will be both.

NOTE: I WILL have a special Christmas Column either tomorrow (Christmas) or shortly thereafter.


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