UNC Football adds Techno-Bling to Recruiting Arsenal

June24/ 2016


UNC Football….facing the dire threat of MORE CHARGING STATIONS in NCState’s Murphy Center…. responds:   The Wannabee Gridiron Juggernaut “amid Kenan’s Lofty Pines” has announced:


Wi-Fi in UNC’s FB Locker Room

and soon to be throughout the spacious confines of The Kenan Football Center including, one can only assume… in The Fabled Mack Brown Aquarium.

according to our super secret deep-inside source over yonder.   The implications of “this” is already reverberating across Power Five World.   That UNC somehow managed to make it to The Russell Athletic Bowl without Wi-Fi in their locker room is nothing less than incredible.

The Great Bling Battle wages on with Triangle-area rivals doggedly playing Anything you can do we can do too… and spend even more Fat Cat Money doing it…. So There!

The Tar Heel Locker Room Wi-Fi was activated on Thursday…. with the Big News rapidly spreading from Murphy To Manteo. In-state blue-chippers made UNCFBRoomnote that surely THIS indicates Team Larry/Gene’s total commitment to once & forever finally Awaken The Sleeping Giant Amid Kenan’s Lofty Pines.

The cost of this latest techno-bling was not announced but is presumed to be somewhat less that the $795,000 paid out earlier in the week in settlement of The “Walk-On” v Rude Boys case.

I know what many of you are thinking….

Does this mean Wi-Fi will also be available in those notorious All-Aluminum Zones in the far corners of what someone once called THE Most Beautiful Football Venue in Orange County, Bar None.

Those edgy zones which only enjoy human habitation maybe once/twice each Fall. We do not have that answer yet.

BUT…. It (a/k/a Wi-Fi) – is NOW available “in the locker room”.  Including we can assume in The Rude Boys’ ‘Hood.

Our deep inside source did NOT have any update on (1) Smoothie Machines…. (2) New Ping Pong Tables …. or possibly even (3) larger than life wall decals of Beyonce sporting a Tar Heel tatt high on her left quadricep.

When told of all this…. Clemson’s Dabo Swinney yawned and sneered…. “Let me know when they add mini-golf.  Only two-stars are impressed by Wi-Fi.”

At least no one is saying “we added this feature so our young scholar-athletes can study right up to Game Time each Saturday”.   But the most naive of TruBlue Holocaust Deniers are free to assume whatever they please….

With this announcement the bling ball is back in NCState’s court to “Can U Top THIS” with more silly bling? That sound you hear is Wolfpack Club Rainmaker Bobby Purcell texting his short list of Deepest Pocketed NC State Partisans.  He who hesitates is forever doomed to “a minor bowl”.

The appetite demands of semi-literate 17 y/o bluechippers is, alas, insatiable.


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