John Swofford’s First Thought Each Morning

May03/ 2016

How often have you wondered:  What does a Power Five Conference Commissioner think about First Thing each morning?

No, you’re wrong.  How many of our student-athletes got arrested last night? ….. and How many recruiting violations did our member institutions commit yesterday? are their 2nd and 3rd Thoughts.  We’re talking First Thought …. and specifically ACC Commish Johnny Swofford.   It is a guaranteed pot-boiling stumper for your next tailgate trivia contest.

Q:  What is the first thought ACC Commish Little Johnny Swofford has EVERY Morning?

Your choices are:
A:  Have I scrubbed every single iota of my DNA off of Deborah & Burgess’s Eligibility Scheme?

B:  Why does (Jim) Delany make A LOT more $$$$ than I do?

C:  What can I do today to really piss off WolfpackNation; preventing those paranoid goobers from realizing their destiny as College’s Sports Greatest Sleeping Giant?

D:  What about The ACC Network?

E:  Could we hold the ACC MBB Tournament in Guam?

F:  Remind me again why I thought Boston College was “a good idea”?

According to Clemson AD Dan Radakovich….. it’s “D”. – LINK Dan Radakovich

(Clemson has wonderful “rabid fans”.  But, I wonder how many of’em – that already spell “Swinney” five different ways – can spell “Radakovich”?)

My guess was a combo of “A” and “C”.  But “AD Dan From DaboLand” says it’s “D”.  Dan oughta know.  He’s the guy that OK’ed Dabo’s miniature golf course AND beach volleyball courts.


ASIDE:  What is MY First Thought Every Morning?   I vacillate between:

(1)    Which might be worse: (A) Hillary OR Trump being POTUS – OR(B) The Yellowstone Caldera Going KABOOM and burying ¾ of America under 18” of volcanic ash …. and
(2)    Am I the last identify as Heterosexual on Earth?  According to the area’s gender-obsessed Drive-by Media, it’s down to me, Ted Cruz and a caller on Paul Finebaum’s Show named “Freddie From Apalachicola”.


But Swofford thinks about The Mythical ACC Network….. according to “AD Dan from DaboLand”.

Did you know that in the past twelve months; Commish Swofford’s ACC member institutions have:

  • Won the College World Series – UVa
  • Been a very competitive runner-up to Alabama for the Football Championship – Clemson.
  • Participated in the Greatest Four-Seconds in Final Four History – Royz Boyz. … and
  • IF an NCAA Jury says What Scandal? re:  The Great Unpleasantness… gotten away with THE #1 Most Egregious Academic-Athletic Crime in Recorded History – UNCCH.

THAT quartet of achievements is impressive.  No?  Now back to John Swofford’s First Thought every morning…..

I am the LAST person to care about The Mythical ACC Network.  I routinely turn down FREE tickets to ACC sports events…. even if they include VIP Parking.   The odds that I am going to watch a Transgender Snowflakes’ Field Hockey Game between Boston College and Louisville at 3:00 AM on a Wednesday aren’t very good.

If it was The Real Two-Mommies of Blacksburg maybe…. at least once just out of curiosity.  Who wouldn’t?

DID U KNOW? …. The Bravo Channel is promoting – TRUE – an upcoming series – The Real “Little People” Housewives of New York.  “Little People” is PC-speak for “freakin’ midgets”.   Apparently Bravo programmers have found half-a-dozen “midget” housewives in Gotham who are (1) terminally vapid… (2) self-proclaimed experts in psychoanalyzing other midget housewives’ personality disorders and (3) willing to be filmed yelling at one another each week.  And you once thought The Gong Show was as good as TV will ever get.

Speaking of deals between John Swofford (UNCCH’72) and ESPN CEO John Skipper (UNCCH’75)…. how does Skipper send those bazillion ESPN $$$$ to The ACC?  Is it a bank draft? …. via an armored car? ….. an ESPN intern driving a Prius with unmarked bills in one of those cool aluminum briefcases? …… does Skipper use PayPal?

The real question that Swofford ruminates over each morning as he loads a cup in his Keurig Machine is.:

Are there enough goggle-eyed, spittle-spewing, lobotomized board monkeys among my 14 (plus Notre Dame) member institutions to actually watch The ACC Network? ….. andpaul_finebaum_1400x1400

Can I find a Paul Finebaum-esque over-the-top character to be The Ringmaster for these pathetic no-life squirrels? ….. and

Will we need a daily limit on how many irate ABCers can call-in each day screaming UNCheats? ….. what should that daily limit be?

That is a lot for a Commissioner to think about EVERY morning.

Personally and this IS My Website; I don’t believe there are enough lobotomized board monkeys in ACCLand to make an ACC Network “work”.

The SEC – a/k/a “The Wonderful World of Finebaum” – has fourteen certified RABID fan bases with umpteen-illion no-life loonies who WILL sit transfixed in front of a Sylvania 12″ b/w TV in the rec room of their respective mental asylum to watch reruns of Mississippi State VS Georgia 1996 while ringing cowbells and/or barking like UGA The Bulldog. …..

Georgia had more no-life loonies show up for their Spring Game – 93,000 – than will show up at Wake Forest’s BBT Field all Fall for six real games.

There are no “aluminum fans” in The SEC.  Advertising agencies are not interested in buying time to reach “aluminum fans”.  Even those insipid PSAs with the little black girl and the tree frog…. the little red-haired girl staring at the deer…. and that very weird one with the various combinations of multi-racial LGBTQs behind a back-lit screen…. are not interested in “aluminum fans”. …. Lily with ATT and Flo with Progressive don’t care about “aluminum fans”.

What WOULD BE hilarious would be IF Little Johnny and Skipper (UNCCH’75) do launch The ACC Network and Little Johnny announces a contest to find an ACC Paul Finebaum.

Can you imagine The Stars Wars Cantina of Humanoids that would show up for that?  Every cross-eyed genetic-experiment gone awry that ever asked Santa for “a giant foam-finger” for Christmas would show up.   It would make a casting call for The Walking Dead look like a Miss Universe Pageant by comparison.  “Things” will queue up that would make Charles Darwin blush. …. Should I start a write-in campaign for Bre’r Kennel?  Yes, let’s.  🙂

Star Wars Cantina

I would never deny that The ACC probably has some “evolutionary throw-backs” as frightening as any Finebaum-caller but NOT in the mass quantity that The SEC has.

The SEC is The Chinese Army of evolutionary throw-backs.  Like with the Chi-Coms, there are simply more of’em than the other side has bullets.

Some of them actually do tune-in for those Multi-Species Sexual Predator Games between Tennessee and LSU at 3:00 on a Wednesday.

The ACC Channel has such a high likelihood of Failure that it is almost a certainty that it WILL HAPPEN and sooner than later….. because:

A focus group of semi-literate 17 y/os a/k/a “recruits” said “We wants it”.   Which is exactly the same way America ended up with 100s of Indoor Practice Facilities.

BIG NEWS RE: Florida State !!!


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