John Swofford’s First Thought Each Morning

Swofford
BobLee
May03/ 2016

How often have you wondered:  What does a Power Five Conference Commissioner think about First Thing each morning?

No, you’re wrong.  How many of our student-athletes got arrested last night? ….. and How many recruiting violations did our member institutions commit yesterday? are their 2nd and 3rd Thoughts.  We’re talking First Thought …. and specifically ACC Commish Johnny Swofford.   It is a guaranteed pot-boiling stumper for your next tailgate trivia contest.

Q:  What is the first thought ACC Commish Little Johnny Swofford has EVERY Morning?

Your choices are:
A:  Have I scrubbed every single iota of my DNA off of Deborah & Burgess’s Eligibility Scheme?

B:  Why does (Jim) Delany make A LOT more $$$$ than I do?

C:  What can I do today to really piss off WolfpackNation; preventing those paranoid goobers from realizing their destiny as College’s Sports Greatest Sleeping Giant?

D:  What about The ACC Network?

E:  Could we hold the ACC MBB Tournament in Guam?

F:  Remind me again why I thought Boston College was “a good idea”?

According to Clemson AD Dan Radakovich….. it’s “D”. – LINK Dan Radakovich

http://awfulannouncing.com/2016/the-acc-is-hoping-the-time-is-now-for-espn-to-create-an-acc-network.html

(Clemson has wonderful “rabid fans”.  But, I wonder how many of’em – that already spell “Swinney” five different ways – can spell “Radakovich”?)

My guess was a combo of “A” and “C”.  But “AD Dan From DaboLand” says it’s “D”.  Dan oughta know.  He’s the guy that OK’ed Dabo’s miniature golf course AND beach volleyball courts.

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ASIDE:  What is MY First Thought Every Morning?   I vacillate between:

(1)    Which might be worse: (A) Hillary OR Trump being POTUS – OR(B) The Yellowstone Caldera Going KABOOM and burying ¾ of America under 18” of volcanic ash …. and
(2)    Am I the last identify as Heterosexual on Earth?  According to the area’s gender-obsessed Drive-by Media, it’s down to me, Ted Cruz and a caller on Paul Finebaum’s Show named “Freddie From Apalachicola”.

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But Swofford thinks about The Mythical ACC Network….. according to “AD Dan from DaboLand”.

Did you know that in the past twelve months; Commish Swofford’s ACC member institutions have:

  • Won the College World Series – UVa
  • Been a very competitive runner-up to Alabama for the Football Championship – Clemson.
  • Participated in the Greatest Four-Seconds in Final Four History – Royz Boyz. … and
  • IF an NCAA Jury says What Scandal? re:  The Great Unpleasantness… gotten away with THE #1 Most Egregious Academic-Athletic Crime in Recorded History – UNCCH.

THAT quartet of achievements is impressive.  No?  Now back to John Swofford’s First Thought every morning…..

I am the LAST person to care about The Mythical ACC Network.  I routinely turn down FREE tickets to ACC sports events…. even if they include VIP Parking.   The odds that I am going to watch a Transgender Snowflakes’ Field Hockey Game between Boston College and Louisville at 3:00 AM on a Wednesday aren’t very good.

If it was The Real Two-Mommies of Blacksburg maybe…. at least once just out of curiosity.  Who wouldn’t?

DID U KNOW? …. The Bravo Channel is promoting – TRUE – an upcoming series – The Real “Little People” Housewives of New York.  “Little People” is PC-speak for “freakin’ midgets”.   Apparently Bravo programmers have found half-a-dozen “midget” housewives in Gotham who are (1) terminally vapid… (2) self-proclaimed experts in psychoanalyzing other midget housewives’ personality disorders and (3) willing to be filmed yelling at one another each week.  And you once thought The Gong Show was as good as TV will ever get.

Speaking of deals between John Swofford (UNCCH’72) and ESPN CEO John Skipper (UNCCH’75)…. how does Skipper send those bazillion ESPN $$$$ to The ACC?  Is it a bank draft? …. via an armored car? ….. an ESPN intern driving a Prius with unmarked bills in one of those cool aluminum briefcases? …… does Skipper use PayPal?

The real question that Swofford ruminates over each morning as he loads a cup in his Keurig Machine is.:

Are there enough goggle-eyed, spittle-spewing, lobotomized board monkeys among my 14 (plus Notre Dame) member institutions to actually watch The ACC Network? ….. andpaul_finebaum_1400x1400

Can I find a Paul Finebaum-esque over-the-top character to be The Ringmaster for these pathetic no-life squirrels? ….. and

Will we need a daily limit on how many irate ABCers can call-in each day screaming UNCheats? ….. what should that daily limit be?

That is a lot for a Commissioner to think about EVERY morning.

Personally and this IS My Website; I don’t believe there are enough lobotomized board monkeys in ACCLand to make an ACC Network “work”.

The SEC – a/k/a “The Wonderful World of Finebaum” – has fourteen certified RABID fan bases with umpteen-illion no-life loonies who WILL sit transfixed in front of a Sylvania 12″ b/w TV in the rec room of their respective mental asylum to watch reruns of Mississippi State VS Georgia 1996 while ringing cowbells and/or barking like UGA The Bulldog. …..

Georgia had more no-life loonies show up for their Spring Game – 93,000 – than will show up at Wake Forest’s BBT Field all Fall for six real games.

There are no “aluminum fans” in The SEC.  Advertising agencies are not interested in buying time to reach “aluminum fans”.  Even those insipid PSAs with the little black girl and the tree frog…. the little red-haired girl staring at the deer…. and that very weird one with the various combinations of multi-racial LGBTQs behind a back-lit screen…. are not interested in “aluminum fans”. …. Lily with ATT and Flo with Progressive don’t care about “aluminum fans”.

What WOULD BE hilarious would be IF Little Johnny and Skipper (UNCCH’75) do launch The ACC Network and Little Johnny announces a contest to find an ACC Paul Finebaum.

Can you imagine The Stars Wars Cantina of Humanoids that would show up for that?  Every cross-eyed genetic-experiment gone awry that ever asked Santa for “a giant foam-finger” for Christmas would show up.   It would make a casting call for The Walking Dead look like a Miss Universe Pageant by comparison.  “Things” will queue up that would make Charles Darwin blush. …. Should I start a write-in campaign for Bre’r Kennel?  Yes, let’s.  🙂

Star Wars Cantina

I would never deny that The ACC probably has some “evolutionary throw-backs” as frightening as any Finebaum-caller but NOT in the mass quantity that The SEC has.

The SEC is The Chinese Army of evolutionary throw-backs.  Like with the Chi-Coms, there are simply more of’em than the other side has bullets.

Some of them actually do tune-in for those Multi-Species Sexual Predator Games between Tennessee and LSU at 3:00 on a Wednesday.

The ACC Channel has such a high likelihood of Failure that it is almost a certainty that it WILL HAPPEN and sooner than later….. because:

A focus group of semi-literate 17 y/os a/k/a “recruits” said “We wants it”.   Which is exactly the same way America ended up with 100s of Indoor Practice Facilities.

BIG NEWS RE: Florida State !!!

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BobLee
  • Walt-in-Durham Reply
    10 months ago

    ” And you once thought The Gong Show was as good as TV will ever get.”

    That’s the money line Bob Lee, and an awesome one at that. Can’t believe how far behind I’ve gotten reading your columns.

    Walt

    • BobLee Reply
      10 months ago

      If you’ve caught up, I need to post another 4-5 really quick, 🙂

  • Doug Reply
    11 months ago

    Come on BobLee!! You mean to tell us that LJS wakes up every morning and never gives HB2 a thought? Goodman and McClatchy must be perplexed about that. It’s also amazing that a high profile recruit hasn’t used HB2 as an excuse not to sign at a NC school. Maybe “they” are working on that. Headline: ” World Class Fencer Backs out of UNC Commitment Citing Opposition to HB2″ is only a matter of time. Fingers are crossed with some local media outlets. Funny none of the Panthers recent draftees mentioned HB2 either. What’s the world coming to? Maybe the ACC Network could have a daily LGBT&Q program to tap that lucrative demographic.

    • BobLee Reply
      11 months ago

      Whoa Nellie !!! I ain’t saying nuthin’ ’bout LJS’s first thought. “AD DAN from DaboLand” said that, not me. Ya just know Ol’ Roy has some fascinatingly in-depth comments on HB2.

  • Bill Brockman Reply
    11 months ago

    Will the ACC Network be available “way down yonder in New Orleans?” If so, I just might watch from time to time if it is offered at no extra charge and nothing better is on the Golf Channel or Velocity. In short, probably never.

    However, speaking of the Golf Channel, I can’t help but recall that nobody gave it a snowball’s chance in Beelzebub’s domain until a certain Wake Forest grad gave his backing to the enterprise. So, I suppose that if Little Johnny can persuade The King to endorse his this brainstorm, it just might have a chance.

    What a hoot!

    • BobLee Reply
      11 months ago

      It is my understanding that these Conference Channels are on their own dedicated ESPN channel and available defending upon one’s chosen cable / satellite package. Compounding the “$$ viability” issue is the issue of “cable-cutting” picking up momentum nationwide. Millennials and others are dropping traditional cable for other modes of programming. I’m not kidding about “are there enough no-life loonies to make this work”?

      • Bill Brockman Reply
        11 months ago

        Right again, BobLee!

        My own millenial son and daughter in law recently introduced me to Chromecast and the thought of dropping cable altogether has become increasingly attractive.

        • BobLee Reply
          11 months ago

          A likely move at some point may be for ESPN to go “a la carte” and available outside of large cable packages. The would be a BFD for them to ever do.

  • Porcophile Reply
    11 months ago

    Well, THIS morning MY almost-first thought was, “Damn, BobLee is on a roll!” You had me laughing so hard I could barely read the choicest bits to my wife.
    Keep it up, man. If we can’t make these bozos behave themselves, at least we can make fun of them.

    • BobLee Reply
      11 months ago

      THANKS! “Rolls” are a very good thing to be on. Well-behaved bozos would be boring. Fortunately there are not very many of them. 🙂

  • Geoffrey Reply
    11 months ago

    I actually think his first morning thoughts are to see what else he can do to destroy this once great conference. Let’s add some more teams that shouldn’t be in the conference, like, Ontario University, UCLA, I know, the Hawaii Rainbows are near an ocean so let’s make them ACC as well! This guy is a disgrace and has been since he trashed UNC. Fire him and all his minions and evict every team he, with some $$$$$ coaxing has forced onto our beloved conference. I don’t usually use words like hate, but I hate this pathetic excuse for a man.

    • BobLee Reply
      11 months ago

      YIKES!

  • NCSU68Grad Reply
    11 months ago

    I understand that Glenn Beck and Ted Cruz’s dad have also endorsed the ACC Network….but they though it was the All Christian Coalition….

    Back on point….my first thought, as you get older, is….”will I need an artificial joint before I reach the cut off age of 80….brought to you by the ACA?”. I guess that I am in PT for deterioration of the bursa in my left shoulder influences that….

    Debbie Yow’s first thought must be….”Will the last scholarship MBB player leaving Dail please turn out the lights and set the alarm….” Her second is if that PT person adds another pound to my leg lift weights that she must do for her new knee….”I will force her to read all the Wuffie Boards to me whilst lifting the &)*&(*&$$%^ thing.

    I would have thought at Johnny boy would wake up screaming each morning like Ed (No LAST Name) in James Dickey’s Deliverance…..I can just see Jon Voight’s face now. Johnny boy’s dream would be the shredded copy of the “AFAM Department Addition for Equality and Self Esteem” presentation that he made to the UNC Faculty Senate. Similar to him scrubbing all DNA off any archived records….which are buried in some basement next to the Ark of the Covenant.

    One would think, along those lines, that there SHOULD be a Jame Dickey Sheriff character that tells Swofford to NEVER, EVER come around here and do such again….

    THAT is what I would think….but who am I to psychoanalyze the all omnipotent Swofford?

    • BobLee Reply
      11 months ago

      I have e-mailed John Boehner pleading with him to “call me Lucifer too”. Now if Cruz can get Mitch McConnell to call him “Beelzebub” he might steal this thing yet.
      .
      CoachGott is having “more guys transfer out” than NC is having “has-been who zits” cancel concerts. Did I see that Abu is the latest “Ringo”?

      • NCSU68Grad Reply
        11 months ago

        ESPN John Goodman (Goodmon?…who knows) has tweeted that Abu will hire an agent for the NBA draft or transfer. THAT little Twitter bomb done upset the BM’s more than a couple of 2 oz shots of Tequila would upset MY “BM’s”.

        However, Chris Corchiani who is supposedly close or at least his family is, to/with Coach Gottfried tweeted that Abu ain’t transferring or hiring an agent. Meanwhile the N&O, in an effort to get clicks has articles about the “implications” of the NEW UNC NOA’s and also the discord in West Raleigh.

        There does seem to be some discord in the Dail center….or the Case or wherever….It is rumored that the only reason that AD Yow did not kick Coach G’s posterior was that she was on light duty due to the new knee and that the reason why Coach G was absent from MANY of the Spring BBQ Coaches’ Caravans was that he had to have a “Medical Procedure”. There is probably NO truth in the rumor that AD Yow talked to James (Red) Spader about planting the top “Neutering” Doc at the Vet School to do ANOTHER procedure whilst Coach G was “under”.

        Maybe Abu is upset with HB2? Maybe Abu is going to join ISIS? Maybe he was jealous of the Martin Twins’ beards? Maybe his AAU Coach has been hired by some NBA Agent to lure him? Who knows….we have turned over our coaching staff and demoted Coach Lutz. We have lost the Martin Twins (but academics for one of them may have been an overriding factor…..OUR BM’s want to clone UNC’s AFAM). We have more new faces in the coaching staff that Trump has as Campaign Advisors….

        Your column this morning was a little bit of a comic relief from all the tweets and twits writing them yesterday….off to PT…..where the elderly men NOW compare the scar lengths of BOTH NEW knees….when they were younger, they were behind the tobacco barn measuring certain “other” anatomical thingies…..see what life brings you….I COULD go on….

        You know that you are getting old when you have to purchase LOWER weights (hand barbells) and they are ALL in PINK. When I was in PT 8 – 10 years ago, I started out at weights twice the mass of what my eventual goal will be for this round.

        • BobLee Reply
          11 months ago

          Just please don’t post any pics of you in “yoga pants”. I can name as many NCSU “hoopsters” as I can San Jose Sharks so the “whys” of The Dail Center “revolving door” is beyond my ability to comprehend. Whatever happened to Nick Trifunovich?

  • BobLee Reply
    11 months ago

    No more calls PLEASE…. # (G) on Swofford’s daily list IS: “Who Is John Blake?”. #(H) is: “How DO you spell “Doherty”? …. #(I) is: “Send Thank You’s to both Governor Martin & Wainstein for not mentioning ME in their “reports”.
    .
    BL

  • 58 Wolf Kennel Reply
    11 months ago

    I wake up each morning to check email and hope there is a BL sports or political brain-fart to get my mind working. This morning did not disappoint :>))
    Swofford is so “suave” in person that it is hard to believe the underhanded things he had to have done at UNC-CH. Your buddy Baddour certainly had a Daddy.
    As for the ACC Network, I would like to have one because I can watch or not. As for a creative head, if you haven’t ticked everyone off on the subject, you would be my top candidate !!!!
    PS: a new New York Times study of how well colleges do in bringing minority students toward graduation uses an NC State vs. Auburn detailed comparison showing NC State dramatically providing more degrees of value. UNC-CH wasn’t even ranked.

    • BobLee Reply
      11 months ago

      “If I haven’t ticked everyone off” it is not for lack of trying. There may still be three guys up in Syracuse who don’t blame me for “something”.
      .
      Actually rumor has it that Baddour was conceived via “in vitro union” between “a pile of sawdust” and “another pile of sawdust”.
      .
      Whoo weeee… an NYTimes “study” YOWSA. How are NCSU and Auburn doing preparing “multi-gendered snowflakes” to cope with cloudy days?

  • JD Reply
    11 months ago

    The only time I will ever watch the “ACC NETWORK” is when we are forced to because that is where the Carolina Football and Basketball games are broadcast. All the ACC Network will do is raise my DirecTv bill each month. I don’t want an ACC network or an SEC network or a BIG 10 network.

    • BobLee Reply
      11 months ago

      Suppose they select Brooklyn Decker as The ACC’s Paul Finebaum? Never say never.

      • Dr.Vinnyboombatz Reply
        11 months ago

        I did not know that Swofford was capable of rational thought recently. After I saw that Damn Dan Kane interview him about 9 months ago I thought he was a zombie. My best take on him is, that he is the same thing as what is on both the inside of the Deandome and on the outside of a porcupine.

        • BobLee Reply
          11 months ago

          I was 3′ away from that zombie interview. It was “memorable”. The phrase “uncomfortable as a whore in church” would apply. … Selecting a commissioner from among a conference’s “member institutions” is, IMO, a most bad idea for all concerned.

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