John Swofford’s First Thought Each Morning

May03/ 2016

How often have you wondered:  What does a Power Five Conference Commissioner think about First Thing each morning?

No, you’re wrong.  How many of our student-athletes got arrested last night? ….. and How many recruiting violations did our member institutions commit yesterday? are their 2nd and 3rd Thoughts.  We’re talking First Thought …. and specifically ACC Commish Johnny Swofford.   It is a guaranteed pot-boiling stumper for your next tailgate trivia contest.

Q:  What is the first thought ACC Commish Little Johnny Swofford has EVERY Morning?

Your choices are:
A:  Have I scrubbed every single iota of my DNA off of Deborah & Burgess’s Eligibility Scheme?

B:  Why does (Jim) Delany make A LOT more $$$$ than I do?

C:  What can I do today to really piss off WolfpackNation; preventing those paranoid goobers from realizing their destiny as College’s Sports Greatest Sleeping Giant?

D:  What about The ACC Network?

E:  Could we hold the ACC MBB Tournament in Guam?

F:  Remind me again why I thought Boston College was “a good idea”?

According to Clemson AD Dan Radakovich….. it’s “D”. – LINK Dan Radakovich

(Clemson has wonderful “rabid fans”.  But, I wonder how many of’em – that already spell “Swinney” five different ways – can spell “Radakovich”?)

My guess was a combo of “A” and “C”.  But “AD Dan From DaboLand” says it’s “D”.  Dan oughta know.  He’s the guy that OK’ed Dabo’s miniature golf course AND beach volleyball courts.


ASIDE:  What is MY First Thought Every Morning?   I vacillate between:

(1)    Which might be worse: (A) Hillary OR Trump being POTUS – OR(B) The Yellowstone Caldera Going KABOOM and burying ¾ of America under 18” of volcanic ash …. and
(2)    Am I the last identify as Heterosexual on Earth?  According to the area’s gender-obsessed Drive-by Media, it’s down to me, Ted Cruz and a caller on Paul Finebaum’s Show named “Freddie From Apalachicola”.


But Swofford thinks about The Mythical ACC Network….. according to “AD Dan from DaboLand”.

Did you know that in the past twelve months; Commish Swofford’s ACC member institutions have:

  • Won the College World Series – UVa
  • Been a very competitive runner-up to Alabama for the Football Championship – Clemson.
  • Participated in the Greatest Four-Seconds in Final Four History – Royz Boyz. … and
  • IF an NCAA Jury says What Scandal? re:  The Great Unpleasantness… gotten away with THE #1 Most Egregious Academic-Athletic Crime in Recorded History – UNCCH.

THAT quartet of achievements is impressive.  No?  Now back to John Swofford’s First Thought every morning…..

I am the LAST person to care about The Mythical ACC Network.  I routinely turn down FREE tickets to ACC sports events…. even if they include VIP Parking.   The odds that I am going to watch a Transgender Snowflakes’ Field Hockey Game between Boston College and Louisville at 3:00 AM on a Wednesday aren’t very good.

If it was The Real Two-Mommies of Blacksburg maybe…. at least once just out of curiosity.  Who wouldn’t?

DID U KNOW? …. The Bravo Channel is promoting – TRUE – an upcoming series – The Real “Little People” Housewives of New York.  “Little People” is PC-speak for “freakin’ midgets”.   Apparently Bravo programmers have found half-a-dozen “midget” housewives in Gotham who are (1) terminally vapid… (2) self-proclaimed experts in psychoanalyzing other midget housewives’ personality disorders and (3) willing to be filmed yelling at one another each week.  And you once thought The Gong Show was as good as TV will ever get.

Speaking of deals between John Swofford (UNCCH’72) and ESPN CEO John Skipper (UNCCH’75)…. how does Skipper send those bazillion ESPN $$$$ to The ACC?  Is it a bank draft? …. via an armored car? ….. an ESPN intern driving a Prius with unmarked bills in one of those cool aluminum briefcases? …… does Skipper use PayPal?

The real question that Swofford ruminates over each morning as he loads a cup in his Keurig Machine is.:

Are there enough goggle-eyed, spittle-spewing, lobotomized board monkeys among my 14 (plus Notre Dame) member institutions to actually watch The ACC Network? ….. andpaul_finebaum_1400x1400

Can I find a Paul Finebaum-esque over-the-top character to be The Ringmaster for these pathetic no-life squirrels? ….. and

Will we need a daily limit on how many irate ABCers can call-in each day screaming UNCheats? ….. what should that daily limit be?

That is a lot for a Commissioner to think about EVERY morning.

Personally and this IS My Website; I don’t believe there are enough lobotomized board monkeys in ACCLand to make an ACC Network “work”.

The SEC – a/k/a “The Wonderful World of Finebaum” – has fourteen certified RABID fan bases with umpteen-illion no-life loonies who WILL sit transfixed in front of a Sylvania 12″ b/w TV in the rec room of their respective mental asylum to watch reruns of Mississippi State VS Georgia 1996 while ringing cowbells and/or barking like UGA The Bulldog. …..

Georgia had more no-life loonies show up for their Spring Game – 93,000 – than will show up at Wake Forest’s BBT Field all Fall for six real games.

There are no “aluminum fans” in The SEC.  Advertising agencies are not interested in buying time to reach “aluminum fans”.  Even those insipid PSAs with the little black girl and the tree frog…. the little red-haired girl staring at the deer…. and that very weird one with the various combinations of multi-racial LGBTQs behind a back-lit screen…. are not interested in “aluminum fans”. …. Lily with ATT and Flo with Progressive don’t care about “aluminum fans”.

What WOULD BE hilarious would be IF Little Johnny and Skipper (UNCCH’75) do launch The ACC Network and Little Johnny announces a contest to find an ACC Paul Finebaum.

Can you imagine The Stars Wars Cantina of Humanoids that would show up for that?  Every cross-eyed genetic-experiment gone awry that ever asked Santa for “a giant foam-finger” for Christmas would show up.   It would make a casting call for The Walking Dead look like a Miss Universe Pageant by comparison.  “Things” will queue up that would make Charles Darwin blush. …. Should I start a write-in campaign for Bre’r Kennel?  Yes, let’s.  🙂

Star Wars Cantina

I would never deny that The ACC probably has some “evolutionary throw-backs” as frightening as any Finebaum-caller but NOT in the mass quantity that The SEC has.

The SEC is The Chinese Army of evolutionary throw-backs.  Like with the Chi-Coms, there are simply more of’em than the other side has bullets.

Some of them actually do tune-in for those Multi-Species Sexual Predator Games between Tennessee and LSU at 3:00 on a Wednesday.

The ACC Channel has such a high likelihood of Failure that it is almost a certainty that it WILL HAPPEN and sooner than later….. because:

A focus group of semi-literate 17 y/os a/k/a “recruits” said “We wants it”.   Which is exactly the same way America ended up with 100s of Indoor Practice Facilities.

BIG NEWS RE: Florida State !!!


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BobLeeWalt-in-DurhamDr.VinnyboombatzDougBill Brockman Recent comment authors

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” And you once thought The Gong Show was as good as TV will ever get.”

That’s the money line Bob Lee, and an awesome one at that. Can’t believe how far behind I’ve gotten reading your columns.



Come on BobLee!! You mean to tell us that LJS wakes up every morning and never gives HB2 a thought? Goodman and McClatchy must be perplexed about that. It’s also amazing that a high profile recruit hasn’t used HB2 as an excuse not to sign at a NC school. Maybe “they” are working on that. Headline: ” World Class Fencer Backs out of UNC Commitment Citing Opposition to HB2″ is only a matter of time. Fingers are crossed with some local media outlets. Funny none of the Panthers recent draftees mentioned HB2 either. What’s the world coming to? Maybe the… Read more »

Bill Brockman
Bill Brockman

Will the ACC Network be available “way down yonder in New Orleans?” If so, I just might watch from time to time if it is offered at no extra charge and nothing better is on the Golf Channel or Velocity. In short, probably never. However, speaking of the Golf Channel, I can’t help but recall that nobody gave it a snowball’s chance in Beelzebub’s domain until a certain Wake Forest grad gave his backing to the enterprise. So, I suppose that if Little Johnny can persuade The King to endorse his this brainstorm, it just might have a chance. What… Read more »


Well, THIS morning MY almost-first thought was, “Damn, BobLee is on a roll!” You had me laughing so hard I could barely read the choicest bits to my wife.
Keep it up, man. If we can’t make these bozos behave themselves, at least we can make fun of them.


I actually think his first morning thoughts are to see what else he can do to destroy this once great conference. Let’s add some more teams that shouldn’t be in the conference, like, Ontario University, UCLA, I know, the Hawaii Rainbows are near an ocean so let’s make them ACC as well! This guy is a disgrace and has been since he trashed UNC. Fire him and all his minions and evict every team he, with some $$$$$ coaxing has forced onto our beloved conference. I don’t usually use words like hate, but I hate this pathetic excuse for a… Read more »


I understand that Glenn Beck and Ted Cruz’s dad have also endorsed the ACC Network….but they though it was the All Christian Coalition…. Back on point….my first thought, as you get older, is….”will I need an artificial joint before I reach the cut off age of 80….brought to you by the ACA?”. I guess that I am in PT for deterioration of the bursa in my left shoulder influences that…. Debbie Yow’s first thought must be….”Will the last scholarship MBB player leaving Dail please turn out the lights and set the alarm….” Her second is if that PT person adds… Read more »


No more calls PLEASE…. # (G) on Swofford’s daily list IS: “Who Is John Blake?”. #(H) is: “How DO you spell “Doherty”? …. #(I) is: “Send Thank You’s to both Governor Martin & Wainstein for not mentioning ME in their “reports”.

58 Wolf Kennel
58 Wolf Kennel

I wake up each morning to check email and hope there is a BL sports or political brain-fart to get my mind working. This morning did not disappoint :>)) Swofford is so “suave” in person that it is hard to believe the underhanded things he had to have done at UNC-CH. Your buddy Baddour certainly had a Daddy. As for the ACC Network, I would like to have one because I can watch or not. As for a creative head, if you haven’t ticked everyone off on the subject, you would be my top candidate !!!! PS: a new New… Read more »


The only time I will ever watch the “ACC NETWORK” is when we are forced to because that is where the Carolina Football and Basketball games are broadcast. All the ACC Network will do is raise my DirecTv bill each month. I don’t want an ACC network or an SEC network or a BIG 10 network.