“Coach K and The Poor Little Duck” chosen Most Horrendous News Story since Holocaust. NCAA clears docket to “get to the bottom of what he actually said”. Ducks Unlimited and K-haters Unlimited both up-in-arms.
“…. and then Coach K pulled out Dudley Bradley’s old tire iron and beat the Poor Little Oregon Duck into a bloody pulp.”
NOTE: Before I completely lose too many of you…. “Dudley Bradley’s tire iron” refers to the instrument of destruction UNC’s Dudley Bradley (supposedly) used on NCSU’s Clyde “The Glide” Austin on Jan 17, 1979 before a Reynolds crowd of 285,468 shocked Wolfpackers.
Did you know….. Clyde “The Glide” was later sent to prison for running a ponzi scheme. Dudley Bradley became an LEO for the Maryland Transit Authority. Who’s aguessed THAT back in January 1979. …. I digress.
You “might” not know that:
(1) Barack Obama has asked Cuba to teach “us” about Human Rights ?? …..
(2) The Islamo-Terrorists bombed the airport in Brussel…
But, by golly, you do know every Chapter and Verse about…..
Duke Basketball Coach Mike Krzyzewski (a/k/a “Rosemary’s Other Baby) sucker-punched a defenseless Poor Little Duck late Friday night.
PETA (hey, it was “a Duck”) has already launched a global Anti-K Kampaign.
The Poor Little Duck was simply “being himself and feeling his inner Cam” when the notoriously socio-pathetic “Coach K” (1) hit him over the head with a ball bat (or tire iron, take your pick)…. (2) spit on him…. (3) called his mama a dirty name…. (4) then probably used a homophobic slur THEN…. (5) spray painted Vote For Trump across the young duck’s forehead. …..
“What Coach K actually said/did” gets more colorful with each new recounting. There is A LOT of recounting going on.
A spokesman for Humans Who Hate Coach K More Than They Love Their Mammas (HWHCKMTTLTM) are saying “This is even better than when he lost to Lehigh”.
An early report that the Poor Little Duck was “a poor little transsexual duck just looking for a safe place to pee” have not been verified but let’s not let THAT stop anyone from saying it.
After trying in vain to respond to each new Human Rights Abuse allegation, Coach K finally said “whatever” and referred all future allegations to Pete Gaudet.
I swear folks…. someday I feel like a guy who inherits a warehouse full of chainsaws two days before a hurricane hits. Could “a smart aleck with his very own website” be any luckier than to be living in these times. My cup of ridiculous runneth over…..
America’s Handbasket has already arrived in Hell. It is simply a matter of how many levels of Hell we will descend into. Belezzbub is hurriedly excavating new sub-basements in anticipation of our eventual resting place.
PPP (Public Policy Polling) might do a Franklin Street poll….. Would you rather:
(A) Ol’ Roy’s knees be magically cured….. the Great Unpleasantness just “go away”…. and the Tar Heels cut down the nets next Monday …..
(B) Coach K be horsewhipped….. be anally assaulted by Crystal Mangum on the steps of The Duke Chapel…. have all his W’s taken away…. and Cameron Indoor be imploded and the ground it sits on “be salted” ……
98% of those polled would vote for (B) quicker than you can say “Dean Smith was born in a manger”.
The one crucifixation the infamously secular Chapel Hillians might celebrate would be Mike Krzyzewski’s. That “other one” they consider a myth created by The Koch Brothers to sell “peeps”.
The HUBBUB created by What Coach K said to the Poor Little Duck has created a coast-to-coast firestorm comparable to what we might expect if/when The Yellowstone Caldera goes BOOM.
Coach K said “whatever he said” around midnight on Friday.
By 8:00 AM Saturday the phrase ….
Coach Smith would NEVER EVER do that….
had been uttered over 6,000,000 times within 3 miles of The Old Well. Once all those Chinese fans of Dean Smith heard about “it” the number REALLY escalated.
If the ultimate measure of a National Brouhaha is how quickly did Samuel L. Jackson tweet then Coach K & The Poor Little Duck made it in 18 hours. “Samuel L.” apparently is not a Coach K fan. So much for Coach K getting a complimentary Capital One credit card.
Duke’s notoriously inept PresidentForLife – Richard Brodhead – once fired a white Lacrosse coach because “I HAD to fire a white guy and he was the first one I found”.
The odds that a witless fool like Brodhead will attempt to discipline THE Coach K are about as slim as Brandon Ingram.
Neither Donald Trump nor Ted Cruz have chosen sides on this one. The rumor that Donald might pick Mike as his running mate are starting to percolate among “The GOPe”.
Mrs Clinton repeated her favorite line she made famous regarding the innocent Americans butchered at Benghazi…. “What difference does it make?”
For the first time EVER…. I agree with Mrs Clinton.
Chad, Upper Volta and Asheville announce they will boycott Rio Olympics if Eeeevil Duck-hating Coach K allowed to coach USA BB. IOC calling Emergency Meeting to talk about it.
The AnybodyButDuke.com mob is marching on Indianapolis to DEMAND that The NCAA put-on-hold any other “on-going investigations” to deal immediately with WHAT COACH K DID….. Not in time, alas, to help the Fighting Hornets of Kalamazoo Kollege as noted earlier this week…. but it might put off a certain other “unpleasant matter” for another decade or so.
NCAA Poobah Mark Emmert is not at his Indy HQ. Mark is in Charlotte with NBA Commissioner Adam Silver on a special Habitat For Micro-Gender Humanity Project ripping the doors off Ladies Restrooms and Locker rooms … so transsexuals will “feel safe”. Heterosexual women and girls’ privacy and safety be damned.
SERIOUS QUESTION: The National Gender Registry now recognizes more genders and micro-genders than Baskin-Robbins has ice cream flavors. Does anyone know which one claims Adam Silver? None of the 6-8 “major genders” are returning our calls.
NOTE: For anyone who is wondering… yes, AgentPierce is “on a roll” on The Charlotte Restroom Riots. His last two columns went viral and he’s planning a third that will make those other two seem “tame”. Uh Oh!
Those of you who know “supposed adults” who live/breathe a 24/7 colon-hardening hatred for Mike Krzyzewski know I am actually downplaying the absurdity of their over-reaction to this latest “…. said to the Poor Little Duck” situation.
If you rely on a 24/7 hard-wired K-hater for advice, counsel or delicate surgical procedures…. you might want to rethink that.