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This Week… Someone could come up with cures for both Cancer and Male Pattern Baldness and neither discovery would be able to squeeze onto the Global Front Page. But maybe we have SOME AWESOME NEWS you haven’t heard about …..
Sure… there was some sort of political fandango in some fly-over place called Iowa on Monday. I suppose that was important to whoever still follows political fandangos. The Future and Fate of America is so “last century”. I mean REALLY. Booooring.
If those political people wanted to be relevant they would nominate CAM. I bet if Donald Trump had “dabbed” like CAM he woulda won. And, I know if Hillary had worn zebra-stripped yoga pants like CAM she woulda trounced that Bernie Whozit.
Today is National Semi-Literate Signing Day. Kids who can’t spell CAM if you spot them the “a” and the “m” will have board monkeys all across the fruited plain holding their breath as they announce where they will matriculate. Do you think even one of those semi-literate 18 y/os has a clue or gives a damn what “matriculate” means? How many of’em do ya think will “dab” as they announce their decision?
What are the odds that EVERY Power Five Football Coach will sign “Everyone We Really Wanted” today. On National Signing Day those odds are 100%.
Forget about Iowa… Forget about CAM… Forget National Semi-Literate Signing Day.
THE BIGGEST NEWS this week is from “amid Kenan’s Lofty Pines”.
Yes, Indeedy. The University of North Carolina @ Chapel Hill formally unveiled its long-awaited and much ballyhooed:
If anything can muscle its way onto a crowded Global Front Page it’s gotta be THIS. Surely THIS will awaken that Ol’ Sleeping Giant by golly!
NOTE: For those of you keeping count, this will be the third such totally unnecessary facility in The Triangle joining Duke’s and NC State’s. Leaving only NCCU, Shaw, St Augustine’s and Cardinal Gibbons without one. Yet.
FYI: These “types of silly things” are usually paid for, regardless of the school, by a handful of Mega Fat Cats for whom high six figures donations are no-biggie. These are not “grassroots” campaigns. Yes, their largess could go for much more worthwhile purposes, but it’s their $$$ to do with as they please.
Specifically timed to bedazzle those aforementioned Semi-Literate “world-class student-athletes”…. this $20,000,000+ hunk of Totally Superfluous Recruiting Bling will immediately join the UNC Black Cultural Center as in-yo-face examples of What Is Really Important at A World-Class “Punchline” of a once respected institution.
Plans for a 40-story obelisk in the Franklin / Columbia Street intersection honoring LGBTQs are “on the drawing board”…. a giddy Chancellor “Chihuahua” Folt squeaked.
“Oh mercy me, I don’t know nuthin’ about such things. I think they expect some people called “braggin’ rights-obsessed Fat Cats” to come up with the money…. but who knows. I’m just in charge of diversity stuff. Would you like a lapel ribbon?
The snazzy new IPF website does not mention how many (1) Smoothie Machines, (2) charging stations or (3) giant holograms of Beyonce that UNC’s new We Gonna Have One Too… So There will have; but we can only assume oodles and oodles of all three.
When shown the snazzy website…. Clemson’s Dabo Swinney noted
“I guess they can’t afford mini-golf, huh?”
A rumor that this Shining Example of Totally Misplaced Priorities will be named for Margaret Spellings was immediately debunked by a visibly outraged university official… mortified by the mere thought of such sacrilege. “Yuck, ptui… we’ve been ordered to hate that Bush woman.”
With “Hindenburg Hangar” already claimed by NC State; subject to approval of UNC’s Board of Trustees, UNC-CH’s will be called:
The House That Marvin Built
Say Good Night Choo Choo …..
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