It was Gameday Saturday! It was Halloween!
IT was …. Tricks & A Helluva Lot of Treats !!
All it lacked was Erin Andrews in a Jason mask, Coach Cut chasing Bill Buckner with a chainsaw and Garrett Morris saying “Saturday been berry berry good… to BobLee.”
If there was ever A Perfect Day of how INCREDIBLY ENTERTAINING Sports on Television can be, IT was a 30-minute period Saturday Night between about 11:00 – 11:30 PM or 10 PM if you had already set your clocks back. The “wheres” were The Wally and Citi Field…. and several hours earlier at The Carter.
IT was a berry berry good day of Pinball Football with Jumbotrons literally exploding from soooo much scoring.
Let’s begin at The End. The piece de’resistance “cherry on top of the banana split of thrills and chills” was Princess Vapid a/k/a Erin Andrews asking Royals’ catcher Salvador Perez
“What did you say to Wade Davis when …….?”
OK. I’m not a fan of Erin Andrews. Well, actually I AM a fan of Erin Andrews because I am a merchant of Human Absurdity & Ridiculosity and no one in Sports personifies Ridiculous better than Erin Andrews.
(1) 10-12 years ago she was an unknown sideline reporter-ette for ESPN. A random picture was taken of her in boots, tight jeans, and an even tighter sweater prowling the sidelines of a college basketball game. That picture became The Farrah Fawcett poster of a generation.
(2) Several years later a perv takes keyhole pics of her sans boots, jeans or a sweater – without a stitch in fact – at a Marriott hotel. The creepy cheap porn nature of that incident solidified the Erin “Hubba Hubba” Thing. The same goobers already smitten by #1 immediately downloaded the grainy keyhole pics of Nekkid Erin.
(3) Two years ago Erin gets her next big break with The Richard Sherman Postgame Interview. A stunned sports nation meets a previously unknown Rastafarian Seahawk going BONKERS to a stunned Erin.
You need to know about Salvador Perez. He is the Royals’ “Iron Man” catcher. He is – at 6’3” – 250 – the largest catcher in MLB by several inches and lots of lbs. He never misses a game or an inning. In the off-season he goes home to Venezuela and catches more games every day. He is 25 and a very good baseball player. Gots to LUV Big Sal.
Salvador “gets dinged” EVERY GAME. Because he is such a big target he gets hit by foul tips in various unprotected parts of his body EVERY game….. his throat, his fingers, his neck, his toes…. “Sal” gets dinged. He grimaces in pain…. viewers grimace with him…. he shakes it off and keeps on catching. Incredible – “Sal The Iron Royal”. ….. who can’t speak English well enough to order “a Big Mac and fries” without pointing at a picture.
You might think “not speaking English” would be a problem for a catcher, but not with The Royals. 90% of Royals’ pitchers don’t speak English either including dreadlocked Johnny Cueto who doesn’t even speak pidgin English. Johnny is Dominican and requires an interpreter. Super Closer Wade Davis being one of the three Royals who do “speak English”.
So now we have Erin interviewing Salvador after a HUMDINGER comeback win by the Royals in Game Four to take a 3-1 series lead. Erin asking Salvador What did you say to Wade was a TV-moment on the magnitude of BaBa WaWa once asking Sir Lawrence Olivier …..
“Sir Lawrence, what kind of tree would you be if you were a tree?”
Big Sal, happy as he can be that his team just won a THRILLA, spewing out a stream of totally undecipherable “Span-glish”. Bless his heart! He has this big grin on his face…. he is deliriously overjoyed in the moment….. and the best Venezuelan interpreter at The UN could decipher not a word he was saying. Erin turns to her cameraman… says “back to you guys” to Joe and Harold. Her “job” is done. Check, please.
The only way IT could have been more funnier was if Harold Reynolds had done an impression of SNL’s Garrett Morris’:
“Beezball has been berry berry good to…. Salvador.”
Erin Andrews “job” consists of asking of ONE maybe TWO inane questions at halftime or at the end of a game to a coach or player. Really…. that’s it. She gets paid over a million $$$/year to ask ONE or TWO inane questions and she asks a guy who can’t speak “Where is the restroom?” English: What did you say to ……?” It was the perfect ending to a quite AWESOME sports day.
A day that revealed that Wake County’s Team – The Wolfpack have some very talented players especially at the “skill positions”. But Dabo has a lot more. A scoreboard-bustin’ game of over 1,000 yards of offense and over 90 points plus the obligatory We Wuz Robbed questionable calls that EVERY NC State game, by law, MUST have.
I love offensive fireworks. The game had aplenty for me but my two favorite moments were:
(1) When the announcers “gushed” about how Dave Doeren has “succeeded in sewing up the state” as far as recruiting including showing some board with little helmets of all the NC high schools his staff have visited. No mention of a Coastal Division-leading rival 26 miles to the west or of the enormous impact of the Hindenburg Hangar just outside the stadium or all those upcoming charging stations.
Then, of course….. (2) midway thru the 3rd quarter when those same shilling homer announcers showed all the acres of empty seats at The Carter and admonished the Wolfpack Faithful for not coming back after the infamous Carter Stadium Halftime Mass Exodus.
Where have all the State fans gone? This game is far from over and Wolfpack fans have already quit on their team! …. OUCH!
It was like they had gotten a phone call (from The Swoff?) about that “sewn up the state” remark so they needed to balance that with a State’s fans have already quit remark. It was a HOOT!
That plus the OBVIOUS offensive pass interference non-call on the Clemson TD at the end of the first half…. the Clemson receiver used the same tire tool on the State DB that Dudley Bradley used on Clyde Austin in Reynolds 30 years ago. More HOOT!
The same tire iron that was used later in the game by a Wolfpack Assistant Coach to “brutally assault” the Clemson QB on an out-of-bounds play.
Then there were “00:06 at The Wally!” … OMG !
Only the usual 12-15,000 faithful Wally-ites were actually “there” of course. And only true aficionados were still watching at 11 PM…. but EVERYBODY has seen the replay of Those Last 00:06 @ The Wally and will keep seeing The Replay as long as ESPN is on-the-air.
Did IT out OMG the Michigan-Michigan State Moment? If not it certainly matched it in pure unadulterated OMG-ness.
The “Cardiac Devils” had pulled off another incredible game-ending drive to go ahead of the ‘CanesInChaos with but 00:06 showing on The Wally’s new Jumbo Jumbotron.
What can go wrong in 00:06 ??? I mean, really?
As Cut’s Kids lined up to kick-off with but “six ticks” to go, one of the announcers noted –
Do you purposely kick this out-of-bounds and give them one Hail Mary from their own 35….? That answer was “No” as history will forever record.
It was Cal v Stanford without the Stanford Band.
All those 00:06 lacked was Durham’s own Crystal Mangum chasing Mikey Nifong down the sidelines with a butcher knife while singing Devil With The Blue Dress On.
It was 95 yards – a dozen or so laterals – a half dozen or so phantom blocks in the back no-calls – the obligatory 10-minutes of Confused Refs Review The Replay and POOF…..
“Duke Playing Carolina With Both Teams Ranked for the first time since before the Japs bombed Pearl Harbor” became …..with just The Larry/Genes ranked.
OK. I’m strange. As the totally befuddled refs huddled and muddled for those agonizing ten minutes showing those 00:06 over and over and over I thought of our pal – The Bob Kennel (TBK) – and Gio’s Punt Return three years ago. TBK still claims he has the video showing “at least a dozen illegal blocks on that punt return”. I was wondering if Duke has a TBK who was counting the illegal blocks by Miami.
The result, alas, was the same – TOUCHDOWN! as 15,000 stunned Wally-ites stumbled out into the unforgiving Derm night. A Halloween Nightmare For Them For Sure.
In a Sunday morning War Room press conference, The Swoff stopped just short of comparing Chaos @ The Wally to “Benghazi” and doubting even Hillary Clinton could lie her way out of such a mess. All the game “zebras” have been suspended. The schlub who handed the replay headphones to the Referee has been fed to a bunch of ravenous dogs. He was the closest thing to a “walk-on”. OUCH!
So I quick-flip over to Royals v Mets in Game Four…. Top of the 8th with The Metropolitans ahead 3-2 about to tie up the series 2-2…. and…..
HOLY BUCKNER…. A routine ground ball to Mets’ 2nd baseman Daniel Murphy trickled beneath his glove…. and then…. and then…. and then…. and then Royals Win 5-3…. HUH?
And next thing we know Erin Andrews is asking Salvador Perez….What did you say to Wade Davis?
Did You have as much fun this Halloween as I did?