In the middle of Kate Upton Week i.e. Before Rick Pitino said I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout no ho’s… a longtime BobLeeSays addict asked me if Kyrie Impregnates A Miss Texas would have the sheer Yeeee Haaa longevity of one of his All Time All Time BobLee commentaries. A sly grin crept across his face. We both said it at the same time:
TWO CHEERLEADERS IN A TOILET STALL
FWIW: The BLSays loyalist that asked me that question was the same guy who, in 2003, became so curious about my warnings about Board Monkeys that he sneaked a peek at Inside Carolina and muttered the classic phrase – “Who ARE Those People?”. …. Moving right along.
It was Waaaaay back in 2005 – that’s 10 years ago for those of you in Rio Linda…. a full 5 years before Marvin hit SEND and the world as we knew it changed forever.
“The Scheme” was in its 13th year at UNC using 1992 as its official start date ….. Carol Folt had purchased a burial plot in Hanover NH figuring she would likely die at Dartmouth ….. Barack Obama was in his 18th year of weekly attendance at Jeremiah Wright’s We Hate Whitey Church & Chicken Roost but, of course, was NOT paying attention to what Rev Wright was screaming …. UNC’s BOT 3 had yet to be bedazzled by The Butcher’s collection of rings …. Chuck Amato was still in shock re: TA’s knee …. Holden Thorp was chairing the Chemistry Dept at The Flagship …. and Carolina Way Kool-Aid was selling for $8.75/six-pak at area Food Lions.
The Carolina Panthers were in Tampa to play the Bucs. Two members of their Top Cats cheerleader troupe – Renee and Angela – had taken the opportunity for a Two Top Cats Road Trip. They were not in Tampa in any “official capacity” but NFL Cheerleaders like Marines and Internet Legends are NEVER truly off-duty?
The “where” was a raucous Tampa Bay-area eatery/drinkery – Banana Joe’s. The “what” is…. well…. All Aboard The BobLee WayBack Machine….
Every event in human history backed up one notch in its overall “headline impact” based on what happened last Saturday night in Tampa. The “where were you when you heard …..” stories will reverberate off of sports bar walls for as long as Ricky Proehl catches passes in the NFL … at least 30 more years. Where were YOU when you heard about it …
As one who relies on provocative headlines to lure you lovable loyal lemmings into READ MORE, I have an appreciation for folks who write media headlines. The headline “sells the story”. This story sold pretty darn well.
There is no man nor lesbian nor trany nor bi drawing breath that did not “read more” when they saw that headline Monday morning. Imagine the viewers who stayed tuned when the local sports guy on Channel 6 said:
“Right after this message from Evil Earl’s Nail Salon & Kia Dealership, we’ll tell you about TWO CHEERLEADERS IN A TOILET STALL”.
You know Evil Earl had to be happy, and a certain smart-aleck Internet Legend was emphatically reminded – There IS a God!
Here’s the thumbnail recap: Somehow Renee & Angela end up together in one toilet stall in Banana Joe’s Little Girls’ Room…. uh oh. The growing line of ladies(?) waiting their turn to use the facility heard “sex act sounds” emanating from the dually-occupied toilet stall… uh oh. The waiting ladies grew “unruly” and began demanding Renee & Angela “wrap it up” and vacate the facility.
Renee & Angela, understandably, objected to having their “coitus interrupted” …. uh oh. They erupted out of said stall and a full-blown “melee” ensued right there in Banana Joe’s Little Girls’ Room. Being they was Top Cats I guess it would be – yes – “a cat fight”….. A haymaker right cross from Angela caught “one Melissa Harden” full in the face. …. “there was blood and bodily fluids EVERYWHERE…. Oh, the Inhumanity!”
Local LEOs and every Tampa Bay media operation came arunning. Nothing else that happened in America that day seemed to matter very much by comparison. …. An Eye-witness Report – LINK.
This story is (again, ten years and) three days old meaning 2,685,942+ jokes have been posted on the Internet. A Nexus search shows the #1 “Cheerleaders In The Toilet Stall” joke involves the premise of “if they had been in the Men’s Room they coulda sold tickets …”
Speaking of “selling tickets” doyathink Banana Joe’s is milking this for every advantage … guided tours of their Ladies Room and, for an extra $10, you and your same sex buddy can go into the very same stall and make a “sex act sounds” CD. They tape you “making sex act sounds” then you come out and punch a cardboard cut-out of Yasmine Bleeth. Souvenir copies of fake Top Kat driver licenses are being given out with a purchase of a Messa Wings & A Large Pitcher.
One has to hurt for Panther owner Jerry Richardson. The Richardson Family are first class folks yet have endured enough team scandal and bad boy (and now girls) episodes to make Al Davis jealous as all get out. Prior to starting the Panthers, Jerry’s only problems were racial discrimination at his Denny’s Restaurants … those were “the good ol days, huh Jerry?”
Here are the After / Before pics of Renee & Angela.
The high-spirited Sisters of Sappho were, alas, dismissed from the Panther organization for … mugshots taken without make-up. New York PR whiz Danny “Big Idea” Dortsch estimates that the one scary mugshot of Renee will limit her post-Panther opportunities to guarding cornfields and frightening hiccups out of kindergartners.
The girls’ whizbang attorney, F. Lee Finkelstein, is claiming They were not having sex. They were simply doing drugs and tearing tags off of mattresses. Hearing this, George Shinn has recommended “his guy” to replace attorney Finkelstein. Georgie Porgie has invited the girls to his Tega Cay Brodello & Catfish Hatchery to discuss their future.
TRUE STORY: When I posted this column back in 2005, I was in a Circle Suite at (the original) Dallas Cowboys Stadium in Irving. … Howsabout writing a column on NFL Cheerleaders while in a Circle Suite at Texas Stadium for a “fantasy camp” no less? Indeed, talk about “going to Lourdes” for divine inspiration. Yours truly was indeed at Ground Zero where spandex, sex and The NATIONAL Football League first formed their very most unholy alliance over 40 years ago.
Clint Murchison, Tex Schramm, and Gil Brandt were sitting around Dallas Cowboy HQ wondering why their Lee Roy Jordan Swimsuit Calendar wasn’t jumping off the shelves. All three later claimed authorship of the historic phrase …
…. “suppose we get us a bunch of small town Texas beauty queens with big hair, pneumatic breasts, killer smiles, and legs like a Chippendale Table and dress’em up in 18 square inches of this new stretchy “spandex” and silk and stiletto disco boots, and tell’em to go out there on the sidelines and turn every male on Earth into a goggle-eyed, drooling, bona-fide sexual predator?”
Dumping 800 cases of Lee Roy’s calendars in an Irving dumpster, the three dirty old men picked up Texie Waterman and the four of’em headed out; scouring East Texas for naïve 18 year old Miss Boll Weevil finalists. The rest is soft porn history.
Had the headline simply been ONE Cheerleader In A Toilet Stall it would not have had the “Two of’em at once” impact. Or Two Cheerleaders In A Phone Booth, while not bad what with the glass walls and all, is not as titillating as “… IN A TOILET STALL”.
Combining two of life’s greatest mysteries (1) “what are those cheerleaders really like?” and (2) “what really goes on in a Little Girls’ Room makes this truly a story unlike any other.
I have reflected on what other great eye-catching headlines I have witnessed in my lifetime.
ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN …
NC STATE EXCITED TO WELCOME NEW COACH TOM REED
AMC INTRODUCES THE PACER TO REPLACE GREMLIN
DEAN SMITH SIGNS MAKHTAR
While each of these conjurs up its own myriad erotic images; we will not soon see a headline to match – TWO CHEERLEADERS IN A TOILET STALL. The truth of what really happened at Banana Joe’s will surely be much tamer than all these salacious tawdry rumors … but less than 5% of the audience will ever know.
I have no clue what ever happened to Renee and/or Angela. You know if I could somehow connect them to UNC BOG Chairman John “Trainwreck” Fennebresque I certainly would. ….. Uuumm, I wonder if Patrick Cannon knows what happened to Renee or Angela ??
Having now reviewed “2Cs in a TS” as compared to Kyrie Impregnates A Miss Texas; I think “2C in a TS” is still #1 as a stand-alone Yeeee Haaa.
UNLESS one combines Kyrie & Miss Texas…. AND – Strike Three For “Puppy Dog Eyes”…. AND – Swoff Gets Waterboarded…. AND – Rick Don’t Know Nuthin’ bout No Ho’s. …. The sheer volume of Kate Upton Week makes it #1 …. For Now!
So, kick back with Kate and a Hardees / Carl’s Jr Thickburger and lets see what the future holds.