Ya Can’t Fix THUG – Dancing The Tallahassee Tango

Florida State Football
July10/ 2015

There’s a line from Jeff Foxworthy, or one of his Redneck Comedy pals – “Ya can’t fix Stoopid.” Let’s paraphrase that to “Ya Can’t Fix Thug”…. certainly Not In Tallahassee.

This past week Florida State had a Double-Hitter – TWO “student-athletes” (gasp, choke, snort) in separate incidents were arraigned, arrested, bailed-out, suspended, kicked-off, or some action for “hitting a girl in a bar”. If ya had a nickel for every time you’ve read THAT from Tallahassee over the past decade or so.

NOTE:  This latest serial Seminole miscreant was charged a year ago with some sort of Michael Vick-esque cruelty to pit bull puppies… just another of Jimbo’s “high character recruits”.  But FSU rabid fans don’t care…. Never Have – Never Will.

With Saturday still to go in this week.  A Thug Trifecta is a possibility.   Will one more ‘Nole thug-alete hit one more FSU coed before the clock strikes midnight Saturday…. tick tock tick tock …..

One of the two incidents was a few weeks old but it was the same tired Tallahassee Tango we’ve become desensitized to for the past 20+ years.   But… but isn’t Jameis Winston gone?  Yea, but Florida State Football just “reloads” thugs – A Tradition Like No Other.

gandhi3  …. Bobby Bowden – Jimbo Fisher – Mahatma Ghandi (?) – Burt Reynolds – it doesn’t matter who the Head Coach is. Thug-aletes keep coming to Tallahassee to (1) be Football mini-gods and (2) beat up coeds. It’s Nature’s Way.

The bars near the FSU campus are like Seal Island off the coast of South Africa. Seal Island attracts sharks who come to feed on the seals…. been doing it for 100s of years. The sharks understand the tradition and so do the seals.  It’s Nature’s Way.Seal Island

Sharks and Seals….. FSU Thug-aletes and Coeds…. Coyotes and Rabbits.  It’s Nature’s Way.

The thugs that FSU keeps recruiting must pass on which bars are the best “feeding grounds” to the new BMOC recruits.  One must assume the FSU coeds also pass on the inherent danger…. like adult seals do to their pups?

FSU Cowgirls…. Everyone knows the bars and clubs that are preferred hunting grounds for ‘Nole thug-aletes.  Where the beer is cold, the music is loud, they don’t look too close at IDs…. but the odds are you’re gonna eventually get beat up by a ‘Nole thug-alete.  Getting raped by one, or maybe a gang of’em, is a real possibility too. But, hey, this is college.  “Living dangerously” is a rite of passage. …. It’s Nature’s Way.

…. The Florida Panhandle Bar Association has aplenty of both defense lawyers and prosecutors who specialize in The Tallahassee Tango.   Prosecute the walk-ons (who cares… really) and “cut deals” for prime time players.  Every Big Time Football college town sings from the same hymn book.  It’s Nature’s Way.

There’s another line about “doing the same thing time after time and expecting a different result is the definition of Stoopid.” There must be a lot of Stoopid in Tallahassee….. and a lot of Football Championships too. Like most of Life – It’s a matter of Priorities.


UPDATE:  An obviously perplexed Jimbo Fisher has now instructed his “student-athletes” – Do Not Go To Bars…. in Tallahassee.   Note Jimbo did not say “don’t beat up coeds”…. just don’t do it in Tallahassee bars… with cameras.


To be fair to Tallahassee and Florida State, there was a report a few months ago that tracked “student-athlete arrests” among major college athletic programs. In this nation-wide survey Florida State finished SECOND to its hated rival – Univ of Florida.

Florida has had more thug-aletes being thugs over the past ten years than has Florida State. Coming in 2nd IN THE NATION but 2nd to your #1 rival.   Having gangs of predatory thug-aletes prowling your streets and campus and not even being able to claim “We’re #1 in Predatory Thug-aletes”. No bragging rights for FSU fat cats….. what a bummer!

Georgia used to have the SEC record for most thug-aletes arrested in one off-season.  Alabama broke Georgia’s record earlier this year…. then LSU immediately broke Alabama’s record.  The SEC is very competitive.

I have had discussions with veteran coaches in both FB and BkBall who have recruited blue-chippers in “the modern era”. ….. within the past 8-10 years.

“Can you judge the “thug likelihood” of a 17-18 y/o you are recruiting?” Every one says “Sure…. if not at the first meeting, certainly by the 2nd one. You know.  We all know.”

“So why do you still recruit them? “If they are “good enough” athletes that ALWAYS overrules the “character issue”. Wins trump Arrests EVERY TIME.”

Coaches always know how many “loose hand grenades” they have on their roster. A certain % will “go off” during the 2-3 years they are in your program. Hopefully the rest will wait until they are SEP “Someone Else’s Problem”.

I asked “Can’t you have a Come To Jesus sit-down with these kids on Day One and tell’em DON’T DO X Y Z? Be specific what X Y Z are. Look’em in the eye and say “any part of this you don’t understand?”

“Sure. We do that.  Every school we compete with does all that too.  Speaking of “Jesus”, team chaplains are the latest band-aid fix. We all have team chaplains who try the ‘arm around the shoulder’ approach.  Doesn’t matter. Team chaplains stay pretty busy arranging abortions for pregnant baby mammas.”

These kids have had 17-18 years of pre-conditioning on the streets when we get them. Their survival instincts say “when confronted / fight” and “don’t let nobody disrespect you”.

We’re not going to change that with a “You better not _______” speech. ….. It doesn’t help that we yell at them all day in practice to BE AGGRESSIVE – FIGHT – DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE WHAT YOURS.

They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do. We all do the Sunrise Dawn Patrol Sessions for the ones who get caught like we’ve all done for years. Just more “pissin in the wind”.  Ya can’t fix THUG.

Is anything likely to change? No.  As long as WINNING Is Really All That Matters….. Nothing is going to change. If Arrests go down…. Ws will go down too. Wins trump Arrests EVERY TIME.

If School A gets all self-righteous and really gets serious about “character issues”, School B will get the better athletes and School A will have empty seats, a revolving door of coaches…. and lots of griping from boosters.  Those factors test the school administrators’ “character”.

Schools and coaches pay lip service to “character issues” to make their rank /file alumni feel good about themselves….. hoping not too many loose hand grenades go off too often….. and that no one gets killed.

Ya Can’t Fix THUG.
…. just hope no one gets hurt really bad; or killed.


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